TDOMMX wrote:Hello there. I just finished the last of the eight endings in Version 1.6 of the Melty Blood patch. I thought I'd give some feedback on the patch and bring a number of problems to your attention.
I noticed a lot of typos throughout the game and a couple of issues regarding professional presentation. I'm sorry to say that I didn't read this topic before playing the game, so I didn't write down the scenes in question. Since no one has posted anything yet, I thought I should offer what I caught. If it helps any, I jotted errors down in the order I played the routes (2-3-7-5-4-6-1-8, using the walkthrough's numbering). I ignored most of the punctuation errors since Nasu seems to like messing around with commas and ellipses (though there are a lot of missing commas). I also dismissed some of the unnatural phrasing in Sion's wording since she's Egyptian and is speaking a foreign language. Lastly, I disregarded typos in Walachia's speech ("dissapear", for instance) since he's pretty much lost it and is rambling when they show up.
First, the general comments and complaints + consistent problems. Specific typos and grammar errors will follow.
-The font really isn't easy on the eyes. It took me three days to complete Melty Blood entirely, but my eyes were already hurting at the end of Day One. Even after a good night's rest, they hurt again by evening of Day Two and again in the early afternoon on Day Three. This is the first time this has happened in all my years of playing visual novels. If it's possible (I doubt it is at this stage), you might want to consider using a thicker font.
Ryuusoul: You might want to consider not staring at the computer so long... At any rate, I haven't had anyone else complain, and the font is a hassle for MB.
-The stage names in Versus Mode are inconsistent with the names in Story Mode (Underground Kingdom vs. Kingdom in the Depths of the Earth) and other stages (Tohno Manor Lobby vs. Tohno Mansion - Front). I have listed what I believe to be the "correct" names below.
Ryuusoul: That is because the Japanese is actually different. There are two errors: I don't know how "manor" even got in there and "millennium" was spelled incorrectly as you mentioned.
-The font on the main menu and the "Start / Continue" options that appear once Story Mode is selected should be consistent.
-Although the Readme notes that "Walachia" was the romanization used in the translation, I found no less than nine instances of "Wallachia". A Search & Replace should do the trick.
Ryuusoul: All those instances were in one script file... it was accidentally skipped during the renaming process. Good catch.
-Arcueid's name is typoed a few times (as "Aruceid").
Ryuusoul: Once, actually.
-Since it's a European name, shouldn't "Reeze Baife" be romanized as "Lise Veif" or "Lise Vaife"? (I'm not sure on the last name, but I'm 100% certain on the first name.) Otherwise, you'd be using "Shieru" instead of "Ciel" (both "Ciel" and "Lise" are French, and I speak French fluently). I'd need to see the original kana for Baife to be able to say...
Ryuusoul: No. Everybody and their mom spells it that way. Yes, even yours.
-The names in the game (combat) are unedited (first-last), whereas the script has them as last-first. This should be consistent (though that might require some extra effort).
Ryuusoul: I don't see it as a big deal.
-The Night of Tatari is used a few times. Isn't it supposed to be "Tatari" by itself, and "The Night of Walachia"?
Ryuusoul: No, the original Japanese said The Night of Tatari.
-"The Church" is not consistently capitalized (usually, the "the" is left uncapitalized, but not consistently across the script).
Ryuusoul: Found one instance. Thanks.
-Shouldn't "Hachimon Kaida" be included in the liner notes? I doubt very many people know what that means, and I checked the notes hoping to find it there...
Ryuusoul: Play more fighting video games.
-It's "Atlas Academy" and "Magi Association", so why is "Atlas Association" used a few times?
Ryuusoul: It is used once. In that instance, it matches the original Japanese, which says "Atlas Association" rather than "Atlas Academy".
-Just a suggestion, but wouldn't Tatari "manifest itself" instead of simply "occurring"? (This may be a tall order to correct since the script is more or less done...)
Ryuusoul: No. You give Tatari too much credit. A typhoon doesn't manifest itself, it occurs.
-"truly fight" appears a few times. I get the meaning, but it sounds awkward and unnatural. I recommend using "going all out" or "fight without holding back".
Ryuusoul: No, you just don't know what it means to truly live! I'll keep it as truly, because Senpai only truly fights grammar nazis.
-"Millennium" / "millennia" has two L's, two N's. They are misspelled (one N) in both the script and on the Stage Select screen (corrected below).
Ryuusoul: That's an error that happens only once or twice every milenia.
-"foot stomp" and "footstomp" are used interchangeably. You should use one term consistently (two words instead of one).
Ryuusoul: Thanks. Sometimes I don't hit spacebarhardenough.
-Shouldn't there be some punctuation in the Save message?
The correct stage select names should be:
-"Shrine" Skyscaper - Front [Alternatively, "Shrine" Building, but Skyscraper is used in Story Mode]
Ryuusoul: No. The original was correct.
-Tohno Mansion Lobby [Currently uses "Manor"; you may want to add "(Lit)"]
Ryuusoul: I'm not sure where "manor" came from. I am currently sending an army of chibi Eruruus with forks after Daichi.
-Tohno Mansion Lobby (Dark) [Or "Broken Lights" / "Lights Out" -- the chandelier is broken, and you are ALWAYS fighting at night in the lobby scenes, so "Night" doesn't help any.]
Ryuusoul: No. The original was correct. If you have issues, contact Nasu.
-Shadow Town [Correct]
-Tohno Mansion - Outside ["Back" would also be correct]
Ryuusoul: It's already correct.
-"Shrine" Rooftop (Full Moon)
Ryuusoul: No. The original was correct.
-"Shrine" Rooftop (Crimson Moon)
Ryuusoul: No. The original was correct.
-Park - Night [Though you never fight during the day, either...]
Ryuusoul: Yes, it is already correct...
-Tohno Mansion - Underground Kingdom [Omit "Tohno Mansion" if not enough space]
Ryuusoul: No. The original was correct.
-Back Alley [Correct]
-Bloodstained Back Alley [Correct]
-School Building - Front (Day) [Two dashes look awkward]
Ryuusoul: ... No.
-Millennium Castle [Millenium is misspelled]
Ryuusoul: Will be corrected.
-Tohno Mansion - Collapsed Floor ["Shredded Earth" = out-of-context translation?]
Ryuusoul: No. The original was correct.
-Tohno Mansion - Endless Battle Waltz [What, am I supposed to say "Comatose Kohaku"?]
Ryuusoul: ... No?
Sorry if my comments sound a little harsh; I mean this entirely as constructive criticism.
Ryuusoul: I appreciate your time, but please be a little more discerning. There are a lot of your entries that are simply invalid.
Now, the specific errors. Pardon me if I misspell the context; I point out the actual error(s) in parentheses:
-Will it be the school tommorow? ("tomorrow" misspelled)
-Since she's probably just sightseeing, so she wouldn't know anything about the vampire murders last year, either... (Ditch either "since" or "so")
-In that state, any one can could kill Tatari--!! ("any one" contains a space that changes its meaning)
-Our negations failed, so there is no second time. (should be "negotiations"; found on two routes)
-You've been actually a little strange for a while now. (should be "acting")
-The centers are far from each other, but there are places where they interlap; our vague, mixed promise. (should be "overlap" or "intersect"; "interlap" is not a word)
-It really would have been okay to make you my next, but you do not compare to the body of this True Ancestor. (Next what? Missing word...)
Ryuusoul: His "next". It's implied.
-In this situation, wouldn't it be simply easier for Tatari to take possession of the True Ancestor and start rampaging [...] ("be" and "simply" are transposed; "simply" can be omitted without sacrificing the meaning)
-When I came to, it is already evening. (inconsistent verb tense; "it was already evening")
-As Tatari was defeated, Tatari's vampiric impulses and even Tatari's will was transferred to me [...] (redundant plus improper verb conjugation. Should read: "As Tatari was defeated, its vampiric impulses and even its will were transferred to me")
Ryuusoul: Fixed. You can live with the redundancy.
-The vampire who could exist for only one night drank the town dry. (Awkward; should be "sucked the town dry". "who" should be "that".)
---Sion you (Missing punctuation after both words; comma and ellipsis, respectively.)
Ryuusoul: No, there is a comma there... not sure why you can't see it. The original Japanese doesn't have punctuation, since Shiki is actually cut off... but I guess it doesn't hurt to add it in.
-I'm not doing anything bad, so that should suffice for explanation. (missing word before "explanation")
Ryuusoul: No it isn't.
-And if she is possessed, she may not have any memory of it so she may not be able to answer. (wrong tense; should be "if she was possessed". Missing commas after "And" and "it". The sentence itself is a runon: "And, if she was possessed, she may not be able to answer since she might not remember anything after the fact.")
Ryuusoul: No comma is needed after "And". This is a spoken line, so it doesn't apply. I can see the need for a comma after "it". The tense is correct, however. As a gentle reminder, people don't necessarily talk with essay perfect grammar.
-You have no problem saying difficult things, do you. (should be a question mark)
-No, it is more accurate to say she is benefiting from Tatari. ("benefitting" is misspelled)
Ryuusoul: I don't see this error anywhere. What version are you using?
-Huhu, inattention is your enemy, Shiki-san! (should be "inattentiveness"; "inattention" is wrong in this context)
-Three targets confirmed Initiating attack program. (missing period after "confirmed")
-In the first place, I cannot approve of such an ommission [...] ("omission" is misspelled)
-She neatly crumbles to the floor. (Wrong word. "crumple" = collapse; "crumble" = disintegrate.)
Ryuusoul: Now you're just stretching. Try and step away from the dictionary and enjoy some literary license.
-...Kohaku, I hope you are prepared... first, I will begin by throwing away [...] (missing capital on "first")
-Ah, anything but that... next time, I will learn [...] (missing capital on "next")
-How many times must I tell you, I do not need that... well, I will not be fooled again... (missing capital on "well"; question mark after "you")
-*mumble* *mumble* ... how is this, Akiha-sama? (missing capital on "how")
Ryuusoul: No, for all of the above. It's how it is structured...
-After the vampire assuming Arcueid's body disappears [...] (confusing; should be "assuming Arcueid's form" in this context, vs. "possessing Arcueid's body")
-...No, choose is not the correct word. ("choose" should be in single quotes. Also, I'm not 100% certain, but "chose" might have been used in the previous line.)
Ryuusoul: "Choose" was used in the previous line.
-You penalized yourself with murdering in order to eliminate your sin of murder. (should be "You penalized yourself with murder" or "You forced yourself to commit murder")
Ryuusoul: Not really. The emphasis is on the verb.
-Which is why it has no choice to act itself if this vampire is an extension of the events last year (two missing words: "but" between "choice" and "to"; "of" between "events" and "last")
-The only thing to be seen are the solitary lights of various vending machines. (verb conjucation; should be
plural. My recommendation: "The only things in sight are the lonely lights of the various vending machines.")
Ryuusoul: Typo... there was an "s" left off.
-It seems to have ran away. (improper tense conjugation: "to have run" is correct)
Ryuusoul: I guess we can change that... but for the sake of argument, I'm going to say grammar perfect English isn't necessary.
-...And Akiha-san, too? That means this cannot be the worst possible situation -- unless of course if this Tohno Akiha is a fake, then it will be even worse. (Sentence splice or extra word? If the latter, drop the "if" and add a period or ellipsis after "fake".)
Ryuusoul: No. There's nothing wrong with that.
-No more importantly, why did you throw your Black Keys all of a sudden!? (missing punctuation after "No")
Ryuusoul: There was a dashed line, not sure why you didn't see it. I changed it to a comma just for kicks, though.
-Enough already, this is not time to ask questions, right!? (missing "the" after "not", or "this is no time to be asking questions")
Ryuusoul: That was a typo. It should have been "no" rather than "not".
-Whether that is tonight or tomorrow, it intends to make a massacre. ("cause a massacre")
-...It is not determined yet. ("It has not yet been determined.")
Ryuusoul: Why? No.
-That is why Tatari could not even wait until a full moon to appear ("Tatari did not need to wait" or "Tatari did not even need a full moon" -- "could not" implies something is preventing it from occurring on the night of the full moon.)
Ryuusoul: Are you just trying to make up corrections? No.
-You should just wait until my unpredictable return on the edge of night [...] (missing word in "edge of night"; what is this term supposed to mean, anyway?)
Ryuusoul: What missing word? At any rate, it's just being poetic or something. Walachia doesn't consult his grammar manual before speaking.
-The town will return to normal and the false summer is over. (inconsistent tense; "will be over")
Ryuusoul: No. Speaker is saying the town will return to over, and now the false summer is over. Insert obligatory remark about stop being anal about grammar.
-I will occupy this person [...] (sounds like possession; "I will keep this person occupied" in this context -- Sion stopping Ciel)
Ryuusoul: No, no it doesn't.
-Yes, even I know enough not to face this brute monster directly. (redundant; drop "brute" or "monster")
-"got caught" should be "been caught" (didn't write down context; sorry!)
Ryuusoul: The phrase "got caught" isn't even in the script anywhere... And even if it was, there's nothing wrong with it.
-... I am feeling poorly [...] ("... I am not feeling well")
Ryuusoul: Stop... there's nothing wrong with that.
-They are second generation vampires who are their own breed of vampires apart from the True Ancestors. (missing hyphen after "second", "vampires" in "breed of vampires" should be singular)
-Humans bit by a Dead Apostle must obey the orders of their parent vampire [...] ("bitten"; wrong tense)
Ryuusoul: Bit is acceptable.
-For one who drug the name Eltnam to the lowest depths [...] ("dragged"; "drug" is not a valid conjugation of "to drag")
Ryuusoul: Drug is a less formal term, but it's still English. I don't mind changing it to dragged though.
-Black Noise. ("noise" should be lowercase in this context)
Ryuusoul: It could be either, but I don't mind changing it.
-I see. If it was a waste. It was ALL a waste--!! (Sentence fragmentation or extra word? Either drop the "If' or replace the period with a comma.)
Ryuusoul: Should've been a comma.
-Is it because it realized the meaningless of our reading the future? ("meaninglessness"; alternatively, use "futility")
Ryuusoul: Yes, was a typo.
-Returning back to earth, the sun is starting to rise. As usual, there is no wind and the air is stifling hot. ("Returning to ground level"; they didn't go into outer space. "stiflingly hot".)
-But, as usual, Miyako-chan responds like usual. (redundant; drop "as usual" and the surrounding commas)
Ryuusoul: When translating on the fly, sometimes you forget what you wrote at the start of the sentence...
I hope this has been useful. I'm looking forward to Melty Blood Re-ACT.
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