Problems in the Tohno Household. (Happy ending...maybe.)

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Problems in the Tohno Household. (Happy ending...maybe.)

Unread postby zweiterversuch » August 17th, 2008, 12:03 pm

edit
Last edited by zweiterversuch on December 7th, 2008, 2:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
http://visualnoveldai.com/
If you want to create your own visual novel go there!
Try it out, no compromise!
8 inches in a week!

btw Princess Tutu is still Awesome!!!
zweiterversuch
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Unread postby abscess » August 17th, 2008, 1:17 pm

Hahaha! I found myself laughing in some parts
"Wait, What!?"

I became shocked and let my male instict take over me with sentences, aktions and questions that we, all males have said, done or asked even once in life.
"Are you sure?
"Yes, I am."
........

"Really?"
"yes."
.....
"NO mistake?"
"I said I am pregnant then I am pregnant, damn it!!!!!"

Hahaha! But you forgot the classic one: "is it mine?" or the variation "Who did you fuck with besides me?!"
:P

It does end with a happy ending, both accepting parent-hood and not even considering abortion... that is until Hisui entered the room! :lol:

Anyway, I recommend you use spellcheck before ending a paragraph, there are some typos here and there. Some adjectives and verbs you used aren't exactly the right ones. For example:
I became shocked and let my male instict take over me with sentences, aktions and questions that we, all males have said, done or asked even once in life.

I think it's easier to read like this:
I became shocked and let my male instict take over me with words, actions and questions that us, males, have said, done or asked even once in life.

I changed sentences for words, we for us, got rid of the all and put a comma that seemed missing. There are some others, but I think you can spot them easily.

Other than those problems, it's a good read.
"I settled for that shriek. Those dull vacant eyes... oiled cabbage stench of her...! [...] You know what? I'm sorry if I'm not gonna do this the way you want me to or the way you might. But I will not make an angel out of someone who wasn't an angel...!" -Chief Tyrol, on his beloved wife.
Have you heard about the saying that goes something like "drunk people and kids tell no lies"? Well, that's just a fallacy.
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Unread postby zweiterversuch » August 17th, 2008, 1:28 pm

edit
http://visualnoveldai.com/
If you want to create your own visual novel go there!
Try it out, no compromise!
8 inches in a week!

btw Princess Tutu is still Awesome!!!
zweiterversuch
$dead
 
Posts: 1424
Joined: February 7th, 2008, 6:53 pm


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