Bad luck.

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Bad luck.

Unread postby zweiterversuch » August 8th, 2008, 12:01 am

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Last edited by zweiterversuch on December 7th, 2008, 2:54 am, edited 1 time in total.
http://visualnoveldai.com/
If you want to create your own visual novel go there!
Try it out, no compromise!
8 inches in a week!

btw Princess Tutu is still Awesome!!!
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Unread postby abscess » August 11th, 2008, 5:08 am

I liked this one, you changed a bit SHIKI's past and put a one-sided love interest with Kohaku and said that SHIKI was more interested in Kohaku than in Akiha (or that's what I understood) but you could say that it could have happenned and that he realized it when he was dying. I can't remember much of Kohaku's ending, in other words, I don't remember if, after Shiki kills SHIKI, Kohaku goes to see him die. Kohaku stays as a sort of villain in the background, much as she was during the other routes.

Your writing style seems to be improving, but something that takes my attention is that you write actions ouside of a normal description. A quick example to help me in my lame explaination:
"Damn... I'm tired and thirsty...."
As I say this mostly to myself I let myself fall down to the chair with a soundly thud. I take a quick glimpse of the window. Apparently the sky is getting cloudy. Maybe... it's going to rain?
Without a moments notice I hear small drops of water hitting the glass of the window.
"Fuck... My laundry is still outside..."


"Damn... I'm tired and thirsty...."
*Sits down loudly*
I take a quick glimpse of the window. Apparently the sky is getting cloudy. Maybe... it's going to rain?
*Rain hits the glass of the window*
"Fuck... My laundry is still outside..."


That style reminds me a bit of screenwriting, which, at least to me, are a bit like writing a play (I dunno much about it). The actions are described a bit more... blunt?... Hmm... I dunno if I'm making much sense here!! ahahaha!

Anyway, I recommend you read a bit on the matter to help you understand, maybe you consider easier to write screenplays than common writing (or whatever it's called) since you don't have to work around descriptions too much, it's a bit more direct, not necessarily easier. Try finding some movie scripts and read them. There is a software for screenwriting called CeltX (I think that's the name) and in their homepage people upload their scripts, I think there are tutorials and stuff on that matter there too.

At any rate, it's your choice. Going back on topic (finally) I think it's a bit more emotive than some of your other works. Good job.
"I settled for that shriek. Those dull vacant eyes... oiled cabbage stench of her...! [...] You know what? I'm sorry if I'm not gonna do this the way you want me to or the way you might. But I will not make an angel out of someone who wasn't an angel...!" -Chief Tyrol, on his beloved wife.
Have you heard about the saying that goes something like "drunk people and kids tell no lies"? Well, that's just a fallacy.
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Unread postby zweiterversuch » August 11th, 2008, 8:46 am

edit
Last edited by zweiterversuch on December 7th, 2008, 2:55 am, edited 1 time in total.
http://visualnoveldai.com/
If you want to create your own visual novel go there!
Try it out, no compromise!
8 inches in a week!

btw Princess Tutu is still Awesome!!!
zweiterversuch
$dead
 
Posts: 1424
Joined: February 7th, 2008, 6:53 pm

Unread postby abscess » August 11th, 2008, 9:34 am

Zwei wrote:Ehhhh... that style is for screenplays?

Well... I think it resembles it a bit... but I could be wrong (as I have been in a LOT of previous occasions), that's why I said that you may be interested in checking that out.
Zwei wrote:Well, that must be because of the "book" I am reading.
They use such a style...actually it isn't the same I used but somehow they resemble each other.

Hmm... a novel written like that? well, I think its a bit uncommon but... after reading (a bit) of The House of Leaves... well... let's say that a "style" for novels isn't all that rigid :P maybe it doesn't really exist :D
Say, what book is it that you are reading?

Zwei wrote:Actually SHIKI was "in love" with both...kinda.
SHIKI lusted after Akiha but he didn't wanted Kohaku to left his side.
SHIKI is in many ways a kid.

I also think he was like a kid, the stubbornness with which he wanted his life and sister back (lol, a sis-con'd dude!) and how he acted are pretty much like a kid since he was locked for 8 years, but it could be also attributed to him being a vampire and all or a mix of both.

About SHIKI lusting for Akiha, I think it was more in the "warped love" kind of things, but I understood it that he also wanted to fu... "make sweet love" to her sister! :? As for him loving Kohaku.... well, I think you are stretching things a bit, I don't remember any instance in which he expressed affection towards her. If you are talking about your story, well, you can do pretty much whatever you want, it's yours to begin with :D
"I settled for that shriek. Those dull vacant eyes... oiled cabbage stench of her...! [...] You know what? I'm sorry if I'm not gonna do this the way you want me to or the way you might. But I will not make an angel out of someone who wasn't an angel...!" -Chief Tyrol, on his beloved wife.
Have you heard about the saying that goes something like "drunk people and kids tell no lies"? Well, that's just a fallacy.
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abscess
I can haz postingz nao? K thx
 
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Location: Parmistan lol


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