ayadew wrote:- Caps lock is autofail
I can't agree more, mate. I can't stand ALLCAPS unless it's intended as a joke or to emphasize something in a written conversation (such as posts or chats), but NOT in stories. That's why there are pretty signs such as ! and ?
ayadew wrote:People don't seem to like to give me feedback, but I'm a kind spirit =p
Yeeeaah.... it's not just you... -_-
It's quite rare to get reviews in this forum.... That's why I'm doubting in continuing my Tsukihime fic or not......
On with the "review":
someone of equal importance elegantly with her fiery red hair and the same white shirt and bue pants
"Senpai is that you?
Err... Senpai is Ciel, right? Ciel's hair is blue (or black that looks blue or something like that) not red, now Aoko's hair is
red, and by the way you describe her (white shirt, blue pants) Aoko is the only character that fits that description. If it is Aoko, then Shiki would refer to her as Sensei, not Senpai.
"Well Shiki then this might not make much sense to you but a man of my kind named Zeltrech is dying"
This only further convinces me that you are refering to Aoko, since Ciel isn't as important as Zelretch. On the other hand Aoko has her weird magic called blue, which is as weird as Zelretch's magic (which I forgot it's name) and those kind of weirdy magic are part of the 4 (or 5?) real magic (or something like that, I read it a long time ago).
"He is the one who gave Arcuied her mission and taught her what she knows
I dunno what mission you are talking about, it may be something on this fanfic only, but Zelretch didn't actually taught her much, for Arcueid Zelretch was just babbling weird stuff that she didn't understand when they met, which was only once and she actualy didn't remember much, if at all. Well, if what you intend to do is to change part of the background story so it fits to this fanfic, then there is no real problem.
a kimono that my true father Kiri Nanaya had given to me which Kohaku had given to me before
i had been disowned by Akiha.
Just pointing some inconsistencies with the backgrounds story. From what I remember (which could be wrong), Kouma killed Kiri and the rest of the area was burned to the ground, Kouma never took Kiri's body to makihisa nor did it Makihisa himself, thus Kiri's body (and kimono) got burned. Also, I don't remember if Shiki actually remembered Kiri at all, as far as I know Shiki didn't remember him, nor cared to do it. Then again, if you intend to change the background story, what I just said loses any meaning.
??? aaah... was this a line of dialog that the board changed or something?
There she is walking in a crowd, a beautiful foreigner that makes the world seem off. I follow her
a great distance and under impulse i kill her .But she came back and while there have always been up's
and downs i will never forget the times we shared together
I would suggest you don't use code-ish syntaxis when writing a story. In my personal (and very biased) opinion, it shouldn't be done.
to clarify this story is in the view of Ryogi Shiki and Tohno Shiki
I don't understand....
O-wait! I just realized thre was a part of the fic I didn't read!
I suggest you work in the descriptions so they aren't "I did this and suddenly that happened and we were finished".Try to describe the actions in a more "wordy" way.
"I settled for that shriek. Those dull vacant eyes... oiled cabbage stench of her...! [...] You know what? I'm sorry if I'm not gonna do this the way you want me to or the way you might. But I will not make an angel out of someone who wasn't an angel...!" -Chief Tyrol, on his beloved wife.
Have you heard about the saying that goes something like "drunk people and kids tell no lies"? Well, that's just a fallacy.