First FanFic (sucky kinda)

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First FanFic (sucky kinda)

Unread postby Shirosaki » July 14th, 2008, 9:48 pm

Her eye's blazing with passion that fateful day, her perfect flawless body aching with pleasure. Since that
day we have always loved each other up to the point of my own sister disowning me. But in those foolish days
Tohno Shiki did not care of consequences. Looking back i find out how really foolish i was under that day
and age thinking nothing could go wrong....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's really hot, so unbearably hot that i don't even wonder why there is nobody on the streets today.
Between Arcuied being called back to her castle and my own sister rejecting me it's been like this
for one year. One long year of hatred, bloodshed, and heartlessness. Throughout this year i've been searching
for Arcuied with no avail, killing so many hordes of vampires that even the Burial Agency had asked Ciel
to recruit me but at this point trivial things such as that didn't phase me at all.
" Arcuied where could you be....WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME!!!"
Suddenly in a fit of rage i strike down a nearby car with so much strength that even without taking off my
glasses i cut through the roof of it like butter. As i continue to bash down on the car i notice someone, not
Arcuied but someone of equal importance elegantly with her fiery red hair and the same white shirt and bue pants
"Senpai is that you?"
The woman clearly turns and while in the back of my head i thought she would be smiling at me she wasn't.
Suddenly with blinding speed that even i lose track of she appears behind me with her hand at my throat.
"Hello Shiki, time is short so I'll get to the point. Have you met Shiki?"
Though gasped breaths i speak
"S..s...senpai what are you talking about i am Shiki..."
Her grip so powerful that if i even moved an inch toward my knife she would end my life without a second thought.
"Well judging by the fact that your still wearing your glasses you are telling the truth, i just needed to know
for sure" she says with a cold facade on.
"Senpai what is going on, what do you mean by me meeting myself"
At first she looks at me with a strange nostalgic face, then with a pained feeling she lets out the words
"Shiki didn't Arcuied tell you why she had to go back to her castle but not sleep?"
In my mind i had wondered this in my sleep and in my time awake and had still not found an answer but
how can Senpai know what i couldn't when i've been searching for a year now....
"Senpai please tell me anything you know about Arcuied, what happened to her, what going on and how
do you know Arcuied went to her castle..." i say this while keeping my hand in my pocket, i can't let her get
that grip on me and run away again i must know what happened to Arcuied.
"Well Shiki then this might not make much sense to you but a man of my kind named Zeltrech is dying"
While explaining the rest she walked toward a nearby tree with me following.
"He is the one who gave Arcuied her mission and taught her what she knows, however he also controls
dimensions which is the reason i acted the way i did towards you" she then sits with a pained expression
"Because he is dying at such a fast rate his powers are becoming distorted and the remaining of my kind
has found out that your dimension and another one are fusing"
"So what will happen Senpai can't you just reverse it? and why did you atack me?"
Saying this i feel extremely ignorant but in the past being so has always helped me, however judging by
Senpai's face i don't think that this was the case.
"Shiki in a nutshell supernatural beings can pass through dimensions for a short while, but that isn't
the problem, the main problem is that Arcuied has gone berserk due to the death of Zeltrech. As if
the father you knew for over lifetimes had just began to die, anybody would be mad."
Remembering that one time Arcuied had gone berserk fear what she could do on the inside but Arcuied
wouldn't do that....
"But Senpai can't you just calm her do-"
"SHIKI STOP AVOIDING THE OBVIOUS SHE TO DIE!!!.....we can't afford this now we must kill her and Zeltrech"
Senpai says this with a face of seriousness. It takes me awhile to grasp the situation in my mind however
one thing still bothers me.
"And Senpai...who's is this other Shiki..."
"We have also found out about many other occurences of special cases which may result because of the
dimensional gap and that's two rare instances of your eye's Shiki however the other one isn't here so
for now that's fine"
At the thought of there being another me i quickly tense up at the fact that we may be different or
the same, i could clearly see the troubles this could bring, also the fact that Senpai had mentioned
her kind in other dimensions might also explain why she might be against this but i sensed a deeper reason.
"So why did you come see me Senpai besides the fact that the other Shiki may be here.."
As i asked this Senpai starts to laugh madly
"Well Shiki you may be naive but you sure do catch on quick, to cut matters short we only need you to do one
thing"
I prepare myself for the worst
"Simply kill Zeltrech"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's a cold winter, so cold that even with my jacket it freezes me to the bone.
"Why is it always so cold over here..."
It's been one year since Mikiya had committed suicide, however walking down this path i can almost feel his
kindly embrace and at the same time wonder why he would leave me. As a result i kill a nearby butterfly
slicing it clearly into seven pieces and hold them to my lips.
"Why Mikiya why....."
I no longer have those useless feelings however, i have tried to remove them all leaving only the desire to
kill meaningless things , bones, lilies and whoever disturbs me.
Arriving at my house i notice a shadow and draw out my knife but as soon as i reach for it i notice i'm
already a fourth of a second late.
"Tohko....."
"Yes Shiki it's me, now relax and let's talk inside.."
"We can talk out here" i tell her coolly
"That wasn't a suggestion it was an order, get inside or your neck is mine"
She says this with eye's that reflected death in them.
Explaining the story to me as i listen to her and examine facts i reiterate them to her.
"So this Zeltrech is dying and you need me to defend this dimension from this vampire princess known
as Arcuied however according to your story there is someone being dispatched there already to kill
him and this princess so what is the problem"
"That the person that sent this man is my sister and she is not to be trusted in the least"
"I will only do what i must, i have no purpose to do extra"
Sighing Tohko then turns to me
"Look i know Mikiya's death actually meant nothing to you, what is really hurting you is
why you don't feel pain isn't it?"
Unconsciously a tear falls down but i take no notice.
"I did not get ordered into my house to hear this nonsense now leave at once!!"
"Some things are always fated Shiki, you will meet him again one day but for now you must
do your duty as the savior of this world" saying this with a look of empathy she leaves.
"Why is it always so cold here..."
The last words i spoke before i drifted into my deep sleep

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In front of that nostalgic castle i walk toward the entrance in a dark kimono sporting a sliced moon,
a kimono that my true father Kiri Nanaya had given to me which Kohaku had given to me before
i had been disowned by Akiha.
"So you came after all, are you positive you can handle this Shiki.."
Taking off my glasses i calmly reply
"I will do what i must Senpai but i still want to talk with Arcuied"
"You were an ignorant child back then and you still are but i guess that's what makes you you"
We walk together to the throne room through mazes upon mazes following a clear voice that was something
of a battle cry and a wail of pain. After walking for what seemed like an eternity i finally see The shell of what
is left of this supposed great man. His green and black robe in tatters, his skin falling, and above him a
huge vortex smelling of death but the most clearly distinguishable thing was....
"Arcuied is that you..."
"◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆!!!!!!"
An Arcuied with red and golden eye's, her long dress covered in tears, but her face distorted
with rage and saliva.
"I told you she's berserk!! I'll distract her and you kill Zeltrech!!!"
Not even talking to her once more after seeing that form of Arcuied suddenly i dash toward the
old man at a speed even most vampires i killed could not reach yet...
"ooppff------"
With unreal speed Arcuied flings Senpai into the wall head first and sends me flying to a spike wall but
"argh.."
I jump off the wallspikes and manage to jump straight in front of Zeltrech's body when
"what the!"
all over him there are countless lines linking to the castle and then..
"Senpai i can't kill him to kill him i have to kill Arcuied!!"
"THEN DO IT SHIKI THIS ISN'T FOR YOUR LOVE THIS IS FOR REALITY AS WE KNOW IT SO KILL HER!!"
She says this while barely holding back a humongous ball of energy from Arcuied.
*FLASHBACK*
There she is walking in a crowd, a beautiful foreigner that makes the world seem off. I follow her
a great distance and under impulse i kill her .But she came back and while there have always been up's
and downs i will never forget the times we shared together
*/FLASHBACK*
I strain my eye's to a length so great that a capillary explodes in my left eye but somehow it magically heals.
Then i see Senpai kneeling down in pain connecting a green thread to me
"Shiki don't worry just go, i don't know how long i can keep this up..." Her face shrouded by agony
i dash as fast as i can over Arcuied dodging 7 materialized blades that would've been where my neck was and then
using my powers to their fullest extent.....
"SHIKI NO!!!!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EDIT
to clarify this story is in the view of Ryogi Shiki and Tohno Shiki

TBC

Comments please, this is my first fanfic and i know it sucked so dont hold back >.> and the next part will be
how should i say.....freaky so beware. In this fanfic i know some things are off and their mean't to be that
way so no flaming comments on how something is wrong please\ just error's and narrating fixes.
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Shirosaki
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Unread postby ayadew » July 15th, 2008, 7:18 am

People don't seem to like to give me feedback, but I'm a kind spirit =p

- Run a spellcheck program if you have problems with that (we all do in some way)
- You make a few unnecessary things, such as Shiki striking at the car doesn't contribute much to him showing anger much more than just that. And then Ciel pops up as if nothing happened, and you move on, making the whole scene meaningless.
- Caps lock is autofail

It's a good start, you need a lot of refining but a will to create will overcome any obstacle
The instant I tear off your limbs, rip open your chest and pull out your intestines, biting into your neck as you ask for mercy, chewing through your eyes and spreading your brains on the ground like butter-------!
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ayadew
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Unread postby Shirosaki » July 16th, 2008, 2:10 am

ayadew wrote:People don't seem to like to give me feedback, but I'm a kind spirit =p

- Run a spellcheck program if you have problems with that (we all do in some way)
- You make a few unnecessary things, such as Shiki striking at the car doesn't contribute much to him showing anger much more than just that. And then Ciel pops up as if nothing happened, and you move on, making the whole scene meaningless.
- Caps lock is autofail

It's a good start, you need a lot of refining but a will to create will overcome any obstacle

Thanks for the useful comment Ayadew :) but just one thing, where is ciel in this, it was only to mention how much he imporved over the past year but i guess i shoudl've just said that >.>
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Shirosaki
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Joined: February 18th, 2008, 4:38 am

Unread postby abscess » July 16th, 2008, 7:00 am

ayadew wrote:- Caps lock is autofail

I can't agree more, mate. I can't stand ALLCAPS unless it's intended as a joke or to emphasize something in a written conversation (such as posts or chats), but NOT in stories. That's why there are pretty signs such as ! and ?

ayadew wrote:People don't seem to like to give me feedback, but I'm a kind spirit =p

Yeeeaah.... it's not just you... -_-
It's quite rare to get reviews in this forum.... That's why I'm doubting in continuing my Tsukihime fic or not......

On with the "review":
Edit:
someone of equal importance elegantly with her fiery red hair and the same white shirt and bue pants
"Senpai is that you?

Err... Senpai is Ciel, right? Ciel's hair is blue (or black that looks blue or something like that) not red, now Aoko's hair is red, and by the way you describe her (white shirt, blue pants) Aoko is the only character that fits that description. If it is Aoko, then Shiki would refer to her as Sensei, not Senpai.

"Well Shiki then this might not make much sense to you but a man of my kind named Zeltrech is dying"

This only further convinces me that you are refering to Aoko, since Ciel isn't as important as Zelretch. On the other hand Aoko has her weird magic called blue, which is as weird as Zelretch's magic (which I forgot it's name) and those kind of weirdy magic are part of the 4 (or 5?) real magic (or something like that, I read it a long time ago).

"He is the one who gave Arcuied her mission and taught her what she knows

I dunno what mission you are talking about, it may be something on this fanfic only, but Zelretch didn't actually taught her much, for Arcueid Zelretch was just babbling weird stuff that she didn't understand when they met, which was only once and she actualy didn't remember much, if at all. Well, if what you intend to do is to change part of the background story so it fits to this fanfic, then there is no real problem.

a kimono that my true father Kiri Nanaya had given to me which Kohaku had given to me before
i had been disowned by Akiha.

Just pointing some inconsistencies with the backgrounds story. From what I remember (which could be wrong), Kouma killed Kiri and the rest of the area was burned to the ground, Kouma never took Kiri's body to makihisa nor did it Makihisa himself, thus Kiri's body (and kimono) got burned. Also, I don't remember if Shiki actually remembered Kiri at all, as far as I know Shiki didn't remember him, nor cared to do it. Then again, if you intend to change the background story, what I just said loses any meaning.

"◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆◆!!!!!!"

??? aaah... was this a line of dialog that the board changed or something?

*FLASHBACK*
There she is walking in a crowd, a beautiful foreigner that makes the world seem off. I follow her
a great distance and under impulse i kill her .But she came back and while there have always been up's
and downs i will never forget the times we shared together
*/FLASHBACK*

...
I would suggest you don't use code-ish syntaxis when writing a story. In my personal (and very biased) opinion, it shouldn't be done.

to clarify this story is in the view of Ryogi Shiki and Tohno Shiki

I don't understand.... :)
Edit:
O-wait! I just realized thre was a part of the fic I didn't read! :P
/Edit:

I suggest you work in the descriptions so they aren't "I did this and suddenly that happened and we were finished".Try to describe the actions in a more "wordy" way.
"I settled for that shriek. Those dull vacant eyes... oiled cabbage stench of her...! [...] You know what? I'm sorry if I'm not gonna do this the way you want me to or the way you might. But I will not make an angel out of someone who wasn't an angel...!" -Chief Tyrol, on his beloved wife.
Have you heard about the saying that goes something like "drunk people and kids tell no lies"? Well, that's just a fallacy.
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abscess
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Unread postby ayadew » July 16th, 2008, 9:50 am

abscess wrote:
ayadew wrote:People don't seem to like to give me feedback, but I'm a kind spirit =p

Yeeeaah.... it's not just you... -_-
It's quite rare to get reviews in this forum.... That's why I'm doubting in continuing my Tsukihime fic or not......


The people at beast's lair seems kind enough to leave a comment, although they also seem more inclined to discuss offtopic philosophy
The instant I tear off your limbs, rip open your chest and pull out your intestines, biting into your neck as you ask for mercy, chewing through your eyes and spreading your brains on the ground like butter-------!
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ayadew
Totally hardly posted
 
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Joined: December 11th, 2007, 9:25 pm
Location: Sweden


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