Last words.

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Last words.

Unread postby zweiterversuch » June 30th, 2008, 8:08 pm

edit
Last edited by zweiterversuch on December 7th, 2008, 3:04 am, edited 1 time in total.
http://visualnoveldai.com/
If you want to create your own visual novel go there!
Try it out, no compromise!
8 inches in a week!

btw Princess Tutu is still Awesome!!!
zweiterversuch
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Unread postby AddleBoy » June 30th, 2008, 10:25 pm

Hmm....Other than a few issues with grammar here and there, this was a really good one overall.
Then you realize... That there is no loli. And it's not the loli you're molesting, it's yourself.
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Unread postby zweiterversuch » June 30th, 2008, 11:30 pm

edit
Last edited by zweiterversuch on December 7th, 2008, 3:04 am, edited 1 time in total.
http://visualnoveldai.com/
If you want to create your own visual novel go there!
Try it out, no compromise!
8 inches in a week!

btw Princess Tutu is still Awesome!!!
zweiterversuch
$dead
 
Posts: 1424
Joined: February 7th, 2008, 6:53 pm

Unread postby abscess » July 1st, 2008, 12:48 am

My my! Good story! Good job on that one! And yes, you do have some errors here and there (I'm WAY to lazy to point at them, 'sides, this ain't my language :P) but they don't really damage the story that much.
"I settled for that shriek. Those dull vacant eyes... oiled cabbage stench of her...! [...] You know what? I'm sorry if I'm not gonna do this the way you want me to or the way you might. But I will not make an angel out of someone who wasn't an angel...!" -Chief Tyrol, on his beloved wife.
Have you heard about the saying that goes something like "drunk people and kids tell no lies"? Well, that's just a fallacy.
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Unread postby Raitei » July 1st, 2008, 1:28 am

zweiterversuch wrote:Really? I thought I hadn't made any errors this time...
*scanning..
..
.
No results*

He he eh...I am maybe asking too much but would you tell me where are the errors?
Please?
forgive the intrusion, but if you let me help...
Last words.
by Arcueid.


Tell me...Tell me Shiki what would have you done?
what would have you done if you hadn't come to save me?
what would have you done if you couldn't have done it?
would you have been sad for losing me? or maybe relieved?
Please don't get mad. I know that wasn't the case but still I just wanted to ask you.
Since maybe, just maybe you wouldn't have spent your days with me until your graduation from the university.
You wouldn't have asked me to be your wife and you wouldn't have had a fight with little sister for doing so and I wouldn't have felt the joy of knowing somebody really wishes to have me by his side all his life long.

Tell me Shiki would you have been happy if I had said yes back then?
If I hadn't run away, afraid of what would come if I had accepted your proposal and if I hadn't been missing for three more years would you still had gone after me and would you have said to me I was an idiot for doing so?

Ha ha ha "You Stupid woman!!! It is useless to run away!! Haven't I followed you to your castle once? You must already know I will go to the end of the world with you. I wil never let you be alone again..." I remember now how you,with an angry face but almost crying, said that when you found me again.

-sigh- Shiki...I wonder how you felt when some of the dead apostles laughed at you for being called "darling" by me for me it wasn't such a big deal.
When we went from Little sister's home, when we began to work, when we had no money, when we had too much I wonder if you were as happy as I was...what I am talking about of course you were! Especially when I gave birth to her. I was sleeping then but Ciel told me you were dancing and screaming you were Father and got scolded by a nurse because of it. Shiki, "you should be quiet in a hospital" didn't you tell me that? <-"that" should be eliminated

You know Shiki, when I saw her grow day by day I really understood how lucky you humans were for having such a short life. It must have been like when you jump from a very high place to a pool, it was so fast, so confusing and so chaotic that the only words that come from your mouth are "It was fun!. Lets do it again!"

But Shiki don't get me wrong. I don't think a human life consists only of happiness. I saw your sister cry because I took you away from her, I heard Kohaku's heart break when she found out I was pregnant and I still remember Hisui's bittersweet smile when she played with our daughter and Ren in the countryard, your aging face and body, how everything I once knew and loved faded away as I still was the same. I was really sad when "She"* cursed herself for being my daughter but I think ren managed to change her mind before she died.
!!!...oh my...I failed... I tried not to cry but I just can't help it. <- for a more dramatic effect
Shiki, now I really wish there is Heaven, now I really want to reincarnate, now that this earth is dead and the moon is gone I really don't want to be all alone, not without them, no without her, no without you.
I walked this earth searching for dead but it was useless the air is cold and the hard ground hurts under my feet. Shiki you went to the end of the world but you couldn't come to the end of time at the end you left me all alone Shiki....!!!!
!!!
........
I tripped?
So strange. It isn't cold anymore but I wouldn't say it is warm either and the ground that just a moment ago was so hard now feels like air, it feels like I am floating.
There is just pain like a knife in my heart but now even that is disappearing. I feel so weak I am sure I can't even hold your knife in my hand anymore...
!! your knife! where is it!!? I must have lost it when I tripped! Where? Where is it? wher..!!
ahhh...it is there...so that pain was...sigh..
I understand. Our life together, I saw it like reflected on the surface of a bubble that is about to explode, to vanish and to be part again of the wind.
Shiki, if you can hear my last words:
It was fun! If we can lets do it again.

that's all I can find for now. and also, you need to work on your skill to use punctuation marks to avoid run-on sentence. ;)
(especially commas, and there are some commas that should be replaced with full stops.)
please don't get offended; I didn't post any of those punctuation-urgency because it's rather... too many :P

also, I would think that a human-vampire hybrid would have a longer lifespan than normal humans do... :)
"Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order and everything becomes... chaos.
I'm an agent of chaos."
Fate/world providence
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Unread postby zweiterversuch » July 1st, 2008, 2:54 am

edit
http://visualnoveldai.com/
If you want to create your own visual novel go there!
Try it out, no compromise!
8 inches in a week!

btw Princess Tutu is still Awesome!!!
zweiterversuch
$dead
 
Posts: 1424
Joined: February 7th, 2008, 6:53 pm


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