Wasting Time

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Wasting Time

Unread postby abscess » May 19th, 2008, 5:06 am

Having problems with posting again... With luck this time it will get posted.
Not a prime example of my writing "skillz" but I was bored and here it is.


This coolnes that I feel on the forehead provoked by the ever changing sea of blowing winds. The swaying of every single blade of grass in this ocean of green perfectly emulating the waves at sea. The tranquilizing softness my back feels while I'm lying on this ground. The light reflected by the morning dew of the opening buds of every flower. It all sums up to create a relaxing atmosphere that would make almost anyone want to get lost in it. This feels almost like an alien place, as if access was forbidden to the growing city we live in an attempt to mantain this small dreamland-like patch of land.
"Hey... You still there...?"
A dreamstate that this produces is almost indescriptible. Like if there was some kind of scent floating with every particle of air I'm breathing. Music produced by the dancing grass. This just feels ecstatic. And the breeze...
"I'm talkin' to you..."
The breeze... Aah! the breeze...
"Did you pass out or something?"
The breeze, the breeze...!
"Hey!"
"What?!"
"Hah! I thought I lost you there for a minute!"
Only his upper body standing, he smiles at my face.
"... Right..."
I face a different direction and try to convey those feelings from a moment ago. That may be a hard task with a noisy friend like him around.
"Say, Tohno... Shouldn't we be doing something...?"
His voice is not headed towards me. He must have lied down again.
"Aren't we doing something?
"..."
He remains silent. I don't know what he is thinking or if he will answer me at all, but I take this short moment and enjoy the vast blue skies soaring above us. Clouds passing over our heads move slowly towards the west end of this city while casting shadows on the ground.
I don't know if they are rain clouds, but I wouldn't be sad if it were about to rain. For an incomprehensible reason, I wish it would. I try to picture myself walking the streets with her at my side. Slowly walking down the street. For some people it may create a depresing image, but I imagine it like something very personal. Getting both of us soaked and trying to keep each other warm, hearing the rythmic raindrops hit our bodies with no one else around, but us. That thought scenery brings a joyful smile to my face.
How I wish she was here...
"... Not exactly..."
"... What was that?"
"We aren't doing anything, really"
You may not be doing anything, but I'm enjoying this place.
"We are relaxing. Aren't we?"
"Hmmm..."
What does that mean? Does he mean this is boring?
"Yeah..."
He agrees with me. I didn't expect him to accept this place with such ease.
"Hey... Arihiko... How did we get here anyway?"
That's right, I don't know how we ended getting here. And I don't remeber how we got here. Maybe because my anemia was acting up again is the reason I can't remember.
"Uhh... Hmm..."
Is he asleep? He was nagging me before because I was ignoring him and then he does the same? Perhaps he thinks he is getting his payback or something. Whatever. I'll do the same and take a nap too while I still can.
"Muh... You weren't feeling so good, remember?"
He wasn't ignoring me. Possibly just got into this 'slowpace' feeling a little too much.
"Yeah... But that wasn't the question..."
"Remember that colorful house we past?"
A colorful house...? Not clearly. Was I feeling bad already before I saw it?
"... No..."
"... Man that's some messed up memory you've got there, pal!"
".... Yeah, thanks for the compliment... Idiot"
"There was a dark-green car, and the house had a white picket fence, you don't see many of those fences around here. The roof was purple and the outer walls were yellow. I mean, if it weren't for the bad choosing of colors, at least you should have noticed the contrast they had with one another!"
This time his voice is directed to where I am. He most likely sat up.
I think I remember a picket fence... A white picket fence...
"Yeah! It had a paved entrance to the front door with green bushes to the sides"
"That's right. A tree was in front of the window"
"Yeah... I think there was a black cat on one of the tree branches..."
"... You remember a cat but not the house?"
It's because I was looking at that black cat instead of the house. I don't know why, but that cat gave me the impression of having some kind of air of 'royalty', like it thought that it was better than me. I think the most eye-catching feature it had was that black ribbon with a small bell around her neck.
"Anyway. What about the house?"
"After you get past that. Walk a couple of blocks and then turn left. Keep walking straight that path and you'll reach here. What? Are you thinking of bringing someone here?"
It wouldn't be a bad idea if I could bring her here. I have the feeling this could become a special place to her. Besides, it's very rare to find this kind of spots. Almost every single empty location has been used to build residential areas or some new fancy mall and no one seems to care or miss these locales.
"Well..."
"Aha! So Thono has got someone, eh?"
I didn't say anything and he jumps to this kind of conclusions? Rash as ever, this guy is. I should say something before it gets out of hand.
"I di-"
"Hey hey! It's fine really, It isn't like I own this place. Besides, this kind of places are here for that reason"
A reason?
"What reason?"
"You are dense...! To hook up with girls!"
He yells and makes a gesture with his hand. What a narrow-minded view he has...
I sit up too and turn to face him. He looks as energetic as ever.
"Why would you have any right to own this place, anyway?"
"Well I found it, didn't I?"
"That's not a reasonable explanation..."
His laughter resounds in the air. But it doesn't feel like an annoying noise. I know I shouldn't ask but I'm curious.
"If you know this place since... I don't know... some time it seems, how come you haven't brought any girl here, then?"
"It's..."
He pauses and faces down a little and suddenly smiles again. It seems this is a touchy subject.
"I just got rejected by a girl. Hahaha!"
Wow... I had thought that...
"---I had thought that you were luckier with girls"
I just blurted that without any notice. What an idiot I am. I may have said something that I shouldn't.
"Yeh... I thought so too... She was a third grader though. She must have thought that I'm just a sophomore and was better off with her boyfrend...!"
Her what?
"Wait... Why would you even consider there was a chance that she would pay attention to you if she already had a relationship with somebody else?"
"Hey! The guy is a comple imbecile!"
I still don't see the point here...
"...If she is willingly staying with this guy knowing that about him, wouldn't she be one herself?. Think of it this way. If she would dump that guy and go with you, you'd get a stupid girlfriend yourself, and there wouldn't be any guarantee that she wouldn't dump you and get another guy or get back with the same one. I say you are better off this way!"
He tilts his head as if trying to understand a new concept never mentioned before.
"Yeh... Yeah! You are right!... Heh Hehahaa... Hahahaha!"
I know that what I said isn't necesary the truth, since the girl could actually be in love with this other guy or she doesn't know him all that well, but I felt like I should cheer my friend a little.
He laughs almost manicaly. This is getting kind of weird now.
"Sheesh! If I need to get cheered up by someone, let alone by you, then that means I'm in a deep, deep hole! Hahahah"
After saying that, he gets up quickly, looking energized and showing a face like saying he wants to do something 'audacious'!. But knowing him, he will do something rash and stupid. Well, I guess I'll have to see it through to the end since I'm already here.
"Tohno, you feeling better now?"
"Of course. This place is good for getting over this anemia it seems!"
I stand up, not as brusquely as him.
"Now then. Let's resume our morning in this beautiful free day of ours!"
"Right right...!"
We walk on to some destination picked up by him. His face, full of intent, glows with the sun, his steps are big strides towards our, or rather his, goal, and his voice is as loud as it could get. He has plan which I completely ignore. Where are we going? What are we going to do once we get there? What will happen to us? I don't have the slightest idea, but that's part of the thrill of hanging with Arihiko.
About me? I'll just carry on with this for a while. That is until it gets incredibly stupid or dangerous, whatever happens first.





Edit:
Fixed the annoying "?" symbols
Last edited by abscess on May 19th, 2008, 11:01 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"I settled for that shriek. Those dull vacant eyes... oiled cabbage stench of her...! [...] You know what? I'm sorry if I'm not gonna do this the way you want me to or the way you might. But I will not make an angel out of someone who wasn't an angel...!" -Chief Tyrol, on his beloved wife.
Have you heard about the saying that goes something like "drunk people and kids tell no lies"? Well, that's just a fallacy.
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Re: Wasting Time

Unread postby Einherjar » May 19th, 2008, 4:06 pm

Judging on how far are 2 of your threads apart from each other, I would say it's probably not your browser. Try waiting a bit longer next time.
Not a bad story, but I think Shiki might be a bit out of character.
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Re: Wasting Time

Unread postby abscess » May 19th, 2008, 10:48 pm

Einherjar wrote:Judging on how far are 2 of your threads apart from each other, I would say it's probably not your browser.
Try waiting a bit longer next time.

From what I know, it's a problem with the forum coding or something like that... Whenever I try to post a story it gets crazy for some reason.

Einherjar wrote:Not a bad story, but I think Shiki might be a bit out of character.

Hmmm... perhaps that may be the case, but I actually tried to stick to the original as much as I could. If you have played KT Shiki is portrayed in a much lighter manner than in Tsukihime, he is shown to be much more laid back when not in stressing situations and even jokes from time to time with his friends and family. I am aware that KT is not canon, but how the character acts doesn't have much to do with it being canon or not. That's what I tried to do in this bit of story, put Shiki in a comfortable situation talking with a friend while not caring too much about other events, that and give some importance to Arihiko, a character that almost everyone forgets about.
"I settled for that shriek. Those dull vacant eyes... oiled cabbage stench of her...! [...] You know what? I'm sorry if I'm not gonna do this the way you want me to or the way you might. But I will not make an angel out of someone who wasn't an angel...!" -Chief Tyrol, on his beloved wife.
Have you heard about the saying that goes something like "drunk people and kids tell no lies"? Well, that's just a fallacy.
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Unread postby Miraploy » May 20th, 2008, 12:38 am

Lots of typos/grammar. Please spellcheck and edit.

It's a pretty good story, but the tone might be a bit too casual, Tsukihime (in English at least) is written a lot more formally.

The dialogue is also very valleygirlish. haha, try to sound more Japanese. :wink:
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Unread postby abscess » May 20th, 2008, 1:00 am

Miraploy wrote:Lots of typos/grammar. Please spellcheck and edit.

Yeah... I didn't recheck much this story, althoguh it's a bit "newer" than my other fic. Thanks for the heads-up.
Miraploy wrote:It's a pretty good story, but the tone might be a bit too casual, Tsukihime (in English at least) is written a lot more formally.

My english needs to be refined by lots of reading to be able to use a wider range of words. And reading, even in my own language, is something I don't do too much compared to other activites I do.
Miraploy wrote:The dialogue is also very valleygirlish. haha, try to sound more Japanese. :wink:

I don't know what is "valleygirlish". In the japanese side of matters, I try to use only the -sans, -kuns and other formalisms of that kind as less as possible, since I find trying to sound too japanese when writing in a language that is not my mother tounge a bit pretentious and, for me, could hurt the story.
"I settled for that shriek. Those dull vacant eyes... oiled cabbage stench of her...! [...] You know what? I'm sorry if I'm not gonna do this the way you want me to or the way you might. But I will not make an angel out of someone who wasn't an angel...!" -Chief Tyrol, on his beloved wife.
Have you heard about the saying that goes something like "drunk people and kids tell no lies"? Well, that's just a fallacy.
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abscess
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Location: Parmistan lol

Re: Wasting Time

Unread postby Einherjar » May 20th, 2008, 1:29 am

abscess wrote:
Einherjar wrote:Judging on how far are 2 of your threads apart from each other, I would say it's probably not your browser.
Try waiting a bit longer next time.

From what I know, it's a problem with the forum coding or something like that... Whenever I try to post a story it gets crazy for some reason.



Well, considering the 2 threads actually have different titles...

Anyways, I'm not saying it's bad, but I thought Shiki might be a bit more late back. All I did was scan through it, so don't mind my opinions too much. Oh and you should at least use a bit of -sans, -kuns and other formalisms if it's Tsukihime since it's pretty important.
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Re: Wasting Time

Unread postby abscess » May 20th, 2008, 2:08 am

Einherjar wrote:Well, considering the 2 threads actually have different titles...

Then you must be refering to my other fic.

Einherjar wrote:Anyways, I'm not saying it's bad, but I thought Shiki might be a bit more late back. All I did was scan through it, so don't mind my opinions too much. Oh and you should at least use a bit of -sans, -kuns and other formalisms if it's Tsukihime since it's pretty important.

I don't use those formalisms here because they are supposed to be friends. You don't usually adress a close friend in a formal manner, do you? I do use them when needed. Check my other fanfic and see for yourself (self-promotion!).
"I settled for that shriek. Those dull vacant eyes... oiled cabbage stench of her...! [...] You know what? I'm sorry if I'm not gonna do this the way you want me to or the way you might. But I will not make an angel out of someone who wasn't an angel...!" -Chief Tyrol, on his beloved wife.
Have you heard about the saying that goes something like "drunk people and kids tell no lies"? Well, that's just a fallacy.
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abscess
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Posts: 1939
Joined: April 25th, 2008, 10:08 am
Location: Parmistan lol

Unread postby Miraploy » May 20th, 2008, 3:58 am

abscess wrote:
Miraploy wrote:It's a pretty good story, but the tone might be a bit too casual, Tsukihime (in English at least) is written a lot more formally.

My english needs to be refined by lots of reading to be able to use a wider range of words. And reading, even in my own language, is something I don't do too much compared to other activites I do.
Miraploy wrote:The dialogue is also very valleygirlish. haha, try to sound more Japanese. :wink:

I don't know what is "valleygirlish". In the japanese side of matters, I try to use only the -sans, -kuns and other formalisms of that kind as less as possible, since I find trying to sound too japanese when writing in a language that is not my mother tounge a bit pretentious and, for me, could hurt the story.


Oh, English is not your native language?

By more Japanese I mean you should try to avoid the modern English colloquialism. "I mean" is not standard English, it's very slangy. Valleygirlish is a way of speaking from California, it's widely mocked and is bad. It's not really that prevalent in this story though so you don't have to worry about it, the issue is that at some if you get too casual it will sound valleygirlish. In some parts they sound like they're more from English speaking countries than Japan.
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Re: Wasting Time

Unread postby Einherjar » May 20th, 2008, 9:40 pm

abscess wrote:
Einherjar wrote:Well, considering the 2 threads actually have different titles...

Then you must be refering to my other fic.


Well, both say Wasting time but one has square brackets with some words inside I don't remember after like this:
wasting time [/*insert something here*/]
oh well, not that it matters.
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