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Unread postby SPerson » May 7th, 2008, 6:52 am

as eventually we do plan on using it for original productions instead of translations.


When you finally get to it, drop me a letter, I'll be glad to help with CG. I hope I can upgrade my A6 wacom to A4 wacom by that time (and for that I need to finally get myself a nice job ;_; )
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Unread postby Superflonic » May 7th, 2008, 1:58 pm

TheXev wrote:with my old High School friend whom we used to have "creative sessions" when we met. We would run our ideas past each other and give each other constructive input. Both of us agreed if we where to collaborate with anyone, it would be each other.


Hey, that's pretty funny, since I do that with a friend of mine too.
And that pretty much explains the recent blog posts. Well, I don't know. I like to wright, it's just that I think I can't create a decent storyline when under 18. There are lots of people who can, but I just can't seem to get to an original story plot. Well, soon my course in special Englis will start, so I'll at least be able to wright in a more poetic way. Instead of static lines and emotions and such.
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Unread postby TheXev » May 11th, 2008, 4:22 am

The following is a copy and paste of the "Back-Story" Prologue. I modified it from the old word version I had up on the website awhile ago (to fix the retarded last paragraph I had and replaced it with a much better series of statements).

Sometimes we don't realize what the most important things are in life, until they are gone...

...all I know is that I've lost one of those things.

And just once...if even for a moment...
...I would like to...remember what that thing was.

Back-story
By Michael Reed aka TheXev of Revolve
(Draft of in-progress visual novel. No editing has been preformed! This may not reflect the final material.)

Prologue

Light... brightness... then the image of... tracks. Slowly but surely, everything around me comes into view. A sound. The sound of...bells ringing in the distance. I stand here, in the open air, drenched in my own sweat, with my arms held open, waiting for something to take me.

The air feels good as it blows across me.

I know not why I stand here, but I do know this: I have nothing to live for now. This is all I know; it is my beginning, and my end. This is the only certainty I know. It seems that I am waiting...for my end.

I can feel it now. In the souls of my feet, the presence of the end drawing swiftly nearer. I feel its presence moving through me, and its intensity grows ever so violently. It's here! The moment I had wished for my entire life!

"I've found you! The end!"




However...



"STOP IT!!"


Some one pushed me out of the way.








"You stupid jerk!" is all I heard, and then a flash of pain against my face. "Why? Why would you do that?! You... of all people!" I looked up at the person above me, and saw an angel.

"Are you an angel?" I asked.

The person above me paused for a second and said, "Why- would you ask me something like that?"

"Because, you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen..." I trailed off, mesmerized by the halo of beauty within my gaze. She stares down at me confused, tears falling down from her face and hitting my cheeks.

She doesn't say anything for awhile, she just kneels on the ground next to me and looks at me, in tears. When she does speak, she says this to me, "I thought we were friends! You promised me...," she paused for a moment, choking back her tears, "...you promised me no matter what! You said, 'NO MATTER WHAT!'" She keeps crying and then spits out, "That means if you're dead, you can't keep that promise."

She may be confused right now, but the one who really is confused is me. I open my mouth and ask her, "Who... are you?"

Her tears stop upon hearing that. It seems to me, as if she isn't even breathing. She looks away for a second, and then slowly moves her head back to look down at me. The look of shock across her face is obvious. "You really did forget. Even though..." she paused right then, as if she couldn't force the words out of her mouth. She stands up then, turns away, and runs towards the street. I quickly jump after her.

"Wait!" I shout after her. She doesn't stop and keeps running up the street. I try to chase her down, but by the time I reach the next intersection I'm out of breath. I look around, to my left, to my right, and then back across the street. "She's gone." I struggle to breathe...








Those events are the first memories I can recall clearly. Everything before that is nothing but pieces. My family, my friends... many of those memories are there, but in pieces. It's like... something is missing from that puzzle of my own memory. However, I felt I had really betrayed this person I had come to meet.

Why do I feel this intense pain in my heart over what this person said?

On that day, of that month, of that year... is where my real story would begin.


The entire goal of the this first part is to only establish two things: A) A possible love interest that has been forgotten b) the protagonist fragmented memory. While the plot could easily been turned into a h-game, that will be refrained as there will only be a few female characters in the game, and the true/final outcome will be largely feel "inconclusive."

The plot is meant for a sequel anyway.

The first chapter begins 4 years after the events of protagonist first clear memory. A simple day at school, living with the fragments. A few characters will be introduced, including 3 possibilities for the girl mentioned in the prologue. Only one will be true and only one plot will be the true outcome that follows to the next game.
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Unread postby TheXev » May 13th, 2008, 7:43 am

Was it really that bad.. no one's said anything yet.... :(
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Unread postby SPerson » May 13th, 2008, 8:10 am

TheXev wrote:Was it really that bad.. no one's said anything yet.... :(


That's a pretty elaborate premise. I, for one, like it. Though phrases like "Are you an angel?" -> "Because, you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen..." do sound slightly cheesy, but that's just my own opinion, so if it were me I'd change a few things here and there, but overall it's pretty good.
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Unread postby Superflonic » May 13th, 2008, 8:17 am

TheXev wrote:Was it really that bad.. no one's said anything yet.... :(


We were just silently praising your work, that's all :lol:
It really wasn't that bad. As I said, I can't write for shizzle, so I can learn a lot from your piece. DO MOAR TYPING.
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Unread postby haderach » May 14th, 2008, 7:03 pm

TheXev wrote:Was it really that bad.. no one's said anything yet.... :(


I don't know about the others but I think it's great.
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Unread postby abscess » May 14th, 2008, 9:06 pm

I liked it, but the dialoges are something that, for me, need a little work out. As said already by SPerson, the "Are you an angel..." reminded me so much of SWepI with little Anakin, whom I despise, asks that to Padme.

I like the idea of fragmented memory. Since memories are all we end up being, our past experiences and the people we know, to lose something that you think it's important, and you are not even sure if it really is, would be very much like an on going torture.

I didn't get too well the first image. He was standing on some tracks I guess, but was he IN a city? or out on the country where trains pass by?
"I settled for that shriek. Those dull vacant eyes... oiled cabbage stench of her...! [...] You know what? I'm sorry if I'm not gonna do this the way you want me to or the way you might. But I will not make an angel out of someone who wasn't an angel...!" -Chief Tyrol, on his beloved wife.
Have you heard about the saying that goes something like "drunk people and kids tell no lies"? Well, that's just a fallacy.
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Unread postby TheXev » May 19th, 2008, 6:16 am

abscess wrote:I liked it, but the dialoges are something that, for me, need a little work out. As said already by SPerson, the "Are you an angel..." reminded me so much of SWepI with little Anakin, whom I despise, asks that to Padme.

I like the idea of fragmented memory. Since memories are all we end up being, our past experiences and the people we know, to lose something that you think it's important, and you are not even sure if it really is, would be very much like an on going torture.

I didn't get too well the first image. He was standing on some tracks I guess, but was he IN a city? or out on the country where trains pass by?


The problem is, I wrote this with the intention of having displayed scenes in it. He is standing on a set of tracks, in a small city, near a train station. The GFX effect i had imagined was starting out with a white screen.. and having the view slowly come into focus during the description.

I didn't really have any inspiration for the line you quest at first... but the protagonist doesn't know what is going on at all, and is completely in shock from.. well... not knowing anything but emptiness and emotional pain. The true extent will be something realized by the reader... but not for a long... long time.
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Unread postby lolipedofin » May 19th, 2008, 10:41 am

It's awesome... it's good... i like it

I actually liked the idea of "Are you an angel?" I don't think it's cheesy, but after abscess said it being similar to Phantom Menace, i do think it needs slight change...

I think it'll be better if he sounds more mesmerized than confused... Under stunning beauty, i don' t think a question will slip out of your tongue, it should be more of a murmur....

Something along the line like,


"You stupid jerk!" is all I heard, and then a flash of pain against my face. "Why? Why would you do that?! You..." Under the brightness that surround us, there she stand... brighter than anything else. In her eyes and in her tears, I could see sincere longing and care reflected on it, I wonder if it's intended for me?

Wait!

Her tears??

Is she crying??

Why?

I can feel tears start to run from my eyes as well.

"A... an Angel??" I murmured without noticing.

"Huh?" The angel before me stand there confused.

"You're... beautiful...

More than anything else i know...."

Crap, what am I saying! I don't even know her. And what's with this feeling of nostalgic.


That's some of my idea, the rest like what you wrote. Umm... just a question, those are something i wrote because i presumed that the character you written was just about to commit suicide but rescued by that girl, if it's a false assumption then i don't think what I wrote will work. sorry if you felt like I offended your work. Just take it as a suggestion :wink:

Well, what i read so far was great! Keep Writing!
Last edited by lolipedofin on May 19th, 2008, 2:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Unread postby inferno_flamex » May 19th, 2008, 12:22 pm

lolipedofin wrote:That's some of my idea, the rest like what you wrote. Umm... just a question, those are something i wrote because i presumed that the character you written was just about to commit suicide but rescued by that girl, if it's a false assumption then i don't think what I wrote will work. sorry if you felt like I offended your work. Just take it as a suggestion :wink:

Well, what i read so far was great! Keep Writing!


Yeah yeah.. That was my assumption as well.. You know on the track suicide thing.

But yeah.. Its a good story so far.

And yeah.. (So many YEAHS!?) I must admit that the 'are you an angel' scene is kinda cheesy... At least the words said, NOT the scene itself..

mm... if you dont mind... I would like to contribute my thoughts as well on the writings...
Shall i continue from Loli's post then?




"You stupid jerk!" is all I heard, and then a flash of pain against my face. "Why? Why would you do that?! You..." Under the brightness that surround us, there she stands above me... brighter than anything else. In her eyes her tears, I could see sincere longing and care reflected on it, I wonder if it's intended for me?

I can feel tears start to run from my eyes as well.

"An... Angel??" I murmured without noticing.

"... Why? Why would you- How could you not know about-"
For a second the girl looked hurt, her eyes looked at me as if i am who i am. It was like as if she was searching for the person that is within me. Even if it is for a second, the feeling that i could have caused that pained face full of sadness makes me feel a pinge of regret at what i had just said.

No No NONONONO... I racked my brain for something else to say. To tell her that im sorry. Something... SOMETHING that would make her feel better.

"Because... You're-"
Something! ANYTHING!

...

But nothing... How can you compliment something that is already perfect. Where should i begin? When will it ever end? Nothing i say will ever compare to her. As such, whatever i say shall only insult her beauty... Her beauty... Pure and beautiful...

"-Beautiful...."
Nothing else came out except for the obvious. There was no other word that i know at that moment. I hoped that that one word could say everything that i could not of her. For the only thing i know of... is her.

She doesn't say anything for awhile, she just kneels on the ground next to me and looks at me, in tears. When she does speak, she says this to me, "I thought we were friends! You promised me...," she paused for a moment, choking back her tears, "...you promised me no matter what! You said, 'NO MATTER WHAT!'" She keeps crying and then spits out, "That means if you're dead, you can't keep that promise."

Her tears continued to flow. Her face looks more clouded than ever. However...

DEAD!?

How did she know? Why? Why is she even here? What, what is she asking of me? To LIVE!?? How is it that i feel so indebted to her...
I can barely form thoughts in my head. Everything about her is mysterious, yet i feel as if i've already known the answer...

"Do I... Have we.. Who- who are you?"
Her name... If anything else.. I need her name. For the first time since this incident began. I felt something that is worth looking forward for..
All this while my heart has been telling me that she held the answers.


"When a petanko hugs you, she's hugging closer to her heart"...
~:~:~
"There is no greater love, between a boy and his pillow"
~:~:~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZ_FT_c3IiQ
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Unread postby lolipedofin » May 19th, 2008, 2:06 pm

Whoa... you practically re-write everything Thexev wrote... :lol:

I think the rest is good already, i was just thinking the "Are you an Angel?" has been used too much, and should it have to be changed, my example would be like that...

But i dunno myself, since this is gonna be a VN (I hope!), supported with a good graphic that scene might turn into a great one... My mental image it's gonna be similar to F/SN prologue, ya know, the one where saber said, "Touo, anata ga watashi no MASTER kaa...??" (i think that's the line..)

I'm not saying that it would be exactly the same, but it could be similar...
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Unread postby inferno_flamex » May 19th, 2008, 2:33 pm

lolipedofin wrote:Whoa... you practically re-write everything Thexev wrote... :lol:


Gee.. Uhmm.. You think so? XDDD

Eck. I thought i put into words what the guy could be feeling right then.. Ummm... Call it.. Being more expressive with words... LOL

Well. But yeah. I think i kinda did went overboard abit i guess.. Seeing how its suppossed to be a VN right? I kinda had a text novel style goin on abit there... So yeah.. looking back i say there may be too much text there as well..

Still.. Its Xev's work. He can choose to ignore those (seriously.. I dont mind LOL) and continue on with his style.. I just thought that i could... You know... hope to light another point of idea or somethin.. XD
"When a petanko hugs you, she's hugging closer to her heart"...
~:~:~
"There is no greater love, between a boy and his pillow"
~:~:~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZ_FT_c3IiQ
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Unread postby abscess » May 20th, 2008, 12:10 am

@TheXev
Will there be any update to the story? Got me interested.

@the re-writers
Doubt I'll be taking part on the re-writing of this story, since it ain't mine to play with, but some of the changed scripts seem to flow easier than the original in some parts, but in others seem a bit... redundant. Do you happen to write stuff of your own? I'm interested in reading something new.

PsS:Is talking about anime fansubs on vid pages (like YouTube, for example) against the rules?
"I settled for that shriek. Those dull vacant eyes... oiled cabbage stench of her...! [...] You know what? I'm sorry if I'm not gonna do this the way you want me to or the way you might. But I will not make an angel out of someone who wasn't an angel...!" -Chief Tyrol, on his beloved wife.
Have you heard about the saying that goes something like "drunk people and kids tell no lies"? Well, that's just a fallacy.
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Unread postby TheXev » May 20th, 2008, 12:54 am

I do appreciate the constructive criticism, I really do. The problem with most of the changes is it changes what I had visioned for the imagines being shown. In that particular image where she's crying and the tears are falling, her face is to be obscured by the sun and it will appear as a halo around her (literally, blinded by the light).. hence the need for a comment like that to begin with.

This is also to add tot he mystery of not knowing completely what she looks like, and to make the story about finding out everything about her.

I original had written in all of the scene descriptions and changes... I might need to think about doing that again.

As for writing more. I have been working on chapter 1 for quite some time. I'm probably going to be revising the parts after this point extremely and without justification for no other reason the not being satisfied with it. I have also considered the idea of setting up a (private) SVN to write this on, so i can track changes made, and my own thought input. Maybe if I get famous, could release the SVN to the public to see how it all developed? lol
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Unread postby lolipedofin » May 20th, 2008, 2:25 am

Conceal what her look like ?? Is this gonna be like Harvest Moon: Back to Nature ?? The girl the main chara ended up with, will become the angel of the train track. :lol:

Well, it's good that you ok with what i did... It's fine if you're not using it or anything, i was only giving a possible reference after all... This is your work, so you should do what you like with it.. And from your description, it looks like gonna be an epic....

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