F/sn Typo/Grammar Mistake Report [v3.2]

It's alright, we feel your pain. Noone wants to admit being gar for Berserker.

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Kenzu
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Unread post by Kenzu » November 15th, 2008, 3:45 pm

My suggestions come from hearing the voiced version.

1st day breakfast preparation - Matou Sakura (I)

"I knew it. [...] That's not why the meals here are good."
"As I thought. [...] It's not about meals here being good."

HF 5th day: After dinner - Go check on Sakura?

Fuji-nee
"I bet you noticed it too. How sexy her body is and how much you want to touch her."
"I bet you noticed it, right? Lately Sakura's body got so soft, I want to hold her."
or
'You noticed it too, right? Like "Sakura's body got so soft lately", or "I want to hold her."'
EDIT
I thought that perhaps:
"At that point you noticed it too, right? You started having thoughts like: "Sakura's body got so soft lately", or "I want to hold her".
Even if it's not 100% accurate, I think it fits the context well.

Sakura
"I told you in secret so that he wouldn't hear it! Why are you telling him like that!?"
In voiced version there's just the second sentence. Is that the difference between versions?
Second sentence perhaps
"Why are you doing something like that!?"

Geez!
I don't care!

Failure of a teacher - perhaps "delinquent teacher" ? (That's the most common translation of "furyou" that I meet)

Some lines from the voiced version are also missing:
"Noooothing. I'm just thinking how hard it must be for Sakura-chan. Kao makka ni shita Shirou. Itsumo yori ijippari kawaiishi."
I don't know what 'ijippari means". I thought about:
"Your face was so red it was way cuter than usual."

"I bet Sakura-chan was even more embarraased in front of you"
"And in front of you like that, didn't Sakura-chan get even more embarrassed?"

"Well, it's not like Fuji-Nee made me choose this room."
"It's not that I care about what Fuji-Nee said..."
EDIT:
I mistook odorosareta with odoroita

After some thought I thought that it could be:
"Well, it's not like Fuji-Nee made me come here..." - like when she ordered him to go prepare a bed for Sakura.
She didn't make him choose the room, just ordered him to go there.

no Fuji-Nee voice: "Shirou mo sono atari, kizuiteta deshyou?"

"Don't you have thoughts like that? Sakura's body got so soft, I want to hold her."
or
'Don't you have thoughts like that? Like "how Sakura's body got so soft lately", or "I want to hold her." '
Last edited by Kenzu on February 8th, 2010, 11:01 pm, edited 12 times in total.

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Unread post by MechR » November 18th, 2008, 8:51 am

Fate route
14th Day: Night: My room
What I've gained

"She wriggles to tries to free herself."

That should be and tries or to try.

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Unread post by Kenzu » November 18th, 2008, 11:13 am

HF 15th Day: Einzbern Forest - Death of the saint

Kotomine remembers the death of his wife, she says:
"No. I love you."
"No. You do love me." (Anata wa watashi wo aishiteimasu)
+ How about "See? You're crying."
+ "I wanted kill her myself" when Kotomine repeats that thought

15th Day: Return Home-Emiya living room - Truth-Antihero Angra Manyu

When Shirou comes to his room:
He said there'd nothing I could do at after that.
He said there'd be nothing I could do after that.
Last edited by Kenzu on November 21st, 2008, 4:31 pm, edited 7 times in total.

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Unread post by Ephyon » November 19th, 2008, 3:05 am

HF, 11th Day: Morning: Dojo - Tohsaka Sensei's lecture on magic (drastic measure edition)

"My face is still red, but I'm finally able to calm down and take a deep breathe"

Should be breath, not breathe.

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Unread post by MechR » November 19th, 2008, 5:35 am

Fate route
15th Day
stay Night (II)

When Saber pulls out Avalon against Gilgamesh:
"The greatest protection that cannot be infringed by anything not even by the five sorceries."

Needs a comma between "anything" and "not".

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Unread post by Kenzu » November 19th, 2008, 2:44 pm

HF 9th Day
VS Rider - Truth about Sakura

Shinji says:
"Huh? ... What are you doing? Who told you to bring Sakura?"
"Huh? ... What are you doing? I ordered you to fight!"
or
"Huh? ... What are you doing? My order was 'fight!'"

Rider:
"I have never accepted anyone who does not bear the holy sign as my Master."
I think that "someone" and "holy mark" sound better, but it's OK.

"You have lost the book which granted you false ownership, so I can no longer obey you."
"You have lost the book which granted you false ownership, so I won't obey you anymore."

"You already knew, did you not?"
"But you realized it long ago, didn't you?"

Rin:
"...Yeah. I knew it was strange.
"...Yeah. I thought it was strange.

No voice when Rin says:
"...Transfer of a Command Spell [...] to Shinji."

Rider:
"You are not my Master, Shinji. If you intend to harm Sakura, I will kill you."

"You are not my Master, Shinji. Even if you are her brother...
If you raise your hand on Sakura... Then you are only a being to be eliminated."
Last edited by Kenzu on February 12th, 2010, 9:26 am, edited 6 times in total.

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Unread post by Ephyon » November 19th, 2008, 4:36 pm

HF, 11th Day: Checking on Sakura - Distant Twilight (I)

"---------. What do you mean, it's been a while?"

The period between the line and the What seems out of place.

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Unread post by Kenzu » November 19th, 2008, 7:08 pm

Fate 11th Day: Einzbern Castle lobby - A distant back

Yeah. Buying you some time is fine but-----
You won't mind if I beat that thing, right?

In voiced version only the second part is heard.


HF 10th Day
Einzbern forest - Distraction

After Archer kicks Assassin to the side

"...Hah. So you cannot even kill a kid unless you attack him by surprise, you third-rate?"
"...Hah. Without King of Knights you can't even kill the kid (brat) you third-rate!?"

"What is that, Archer...!?"
In voiced version there's just: "Archer...!?"
Last edited by Kenzu on December 6th, 2008, 1:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Unread post by Ephyon » November 20th, 2008, 5:31 pm

HF, 14th Day: Intermission - Last Piece

"She pierces their legs as they run, rips off their arms as they fight back, stiches their mouths shut as they beg for mercy, chews on their eyes as they cry for help, and finally gouges out their heart, laughing""

While this is obviously all imagination, the constant use of plural suggests it should be "gouges out their hearts".

Also, this may be a mistake in the original game and it may not be fixable, but the transition between "Day 14 - Finale" and "Day 15 - Finale, Replay" has the calendar change from 13 to 14, when it should be from 14 to 15.
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Unread post by Ephyon » November 20th, 2008, 9:35 pm

HF, Day 15: Escape Start - To the Forest Epilogue

Err... actually, this is just one of them. I think I saw it happen repeatedly, but I suggest you do a word search through the script to catch all the instances: I've seen the script switch between Illyasviel and Ilyasviel repeatedly. You went with Illyasviel for the status page, so this may be worth a thorough checking.

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Unread post by Kenzu » November 20th, 2008, 9:57 pm

HF 9th Day: -Church -Sisters(I)

"You are only a harmful enemy to Sakura right now."
Kotomine always refers to her as "Matou Sakura"

In voiced version:
"She is a victim of sexual abuse." - first line ends here
"It is easy to imagine what kind of training Matou Zouken imposed on her." - this should be in the next line, cut/paste should do the trick
The same goes for the next scene when Shirou recalls it in the park

"But-----what do you honestly think you can do
now, when you stood by her side completely
oblivious, for all that time?

Suggestion:
"But-----what do you honestly think you can do
now, when you stood by her side and didn't
notice it
for all that time?

"The same thing is bound to happen again even
if she regains conscioussness
Which one will you protect then?" - the last line is not heard in the voiced version

Yes this is about the future" - in voiced version he adds "Emiya Shirou" at the end

Later in the park
9th Day: Outside church-Park, night - What I should protect

When Shirou exits the church and says "Archer" it is not heard in the voiced version

----That girl tried to hide that fact from you,
but always sought salvation. Someone who sat by,
oblivious, has no right to care for her-----

Suggestion:
----That girl tried to hide that fact from you,
but always sought salvation. Someone who didn't
notice it
, has no right to care for her-----
Last edited by Kenzu on February 8th, 2010, 11:22 pm, edited 6 times in total.

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Unread post by Color » November 20th, 2008, 10:50 pm

I noticed in UBW, Day Fifteen: "The twin swords I once thought were perfect are too unprecise compared to his."
Problem: "Unprecise" isn't a word--the wrong prefix is used. It should be "imprecise".

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Unread post by Kenzu » November 20th, 2008, 10:58 pm

HF 6th Day: Night-Bedtime - Matou Sakura (III)

"Here's another question. Would you be able to forgive me if I become a bad person?"
"Then I'll ask one more thing. If I were to become a bad person, would you forgive me?"

"---I'm glad. I'd want you to do that."
"---I'm glad. I wouldn't mind if it's you."


9th Day: Outside church-Park, night - What I should protect

---Senpai. If I become a bad person----
---Senpai. If I were to become a bad person---

---Yes. I wouldn't mind if you do so.
---Yes. I wouldn't mind if it's you.

One more thing
I know it's nothing big or anything, but how about changing the sentence a bit?
Like when Ilya says:
So I'll be your ally no matter what you do.
That's why no matter what you do, I will be your ally.

This is a good place to inquire about "Seigi no mikata"
It does mean "Superhero", but in this scene Shirou's thoughts may not be understood correctly
to be someone's ally, or to be the ally of justice. I know it sounds weird but this
translation would be perfect for this scene at least.
Then again I got the part, so I'm fine, but I thought I'd ask.

Then the decision could be "I want to become Sakura's ally"


So that Shirou and Ilya say the same thing.
Ilya:
"Yeah. It's natural to protect the ones you love,
right?
Even I know that."

"Yeah. It's a matter of course to protect the ones
you love, right?
Even I know that."

Shirou:
"Yeah. It's a matter of course to protect the
girl you like. Even I know that Ilya."

"Yeah. It's a matter of course to protect the
girl you love. Even I know that."

Or make Shirou say "It's natural"
or change it to "obvious"
Last edited by Kenzu on December 9th, 2008, 12:05 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Unread post by Kenzu » November 22nd, 2008, 3:51 pm

Heaven's Feel

11th Day: Night: My room - Connection of minds

After Sakura says that she can't stay up.
I support my falling body with my hands.
I support her falling body with my hands.

13th Day: Morning: Living room - Distant Twighlight (II)

...This will the last time.
...This will be the last time.


13th Day: Afternoon: Sakura's guest room - Once it's spring

I can believe that she won't last a few more days.
I can't believe that she won't last a few more days.

Hanami - perhaps flower viewing? I think it works better here, even though it's usually translated as cherry blossom viewing

"I want to go cherry blossom viewing in a big field on a sunny day."
"I want to go flower viewing with you in a big field on a sunny day."
Either "You" or "Senpai".

Let's go there together once you get well and once this whole mess is over."
Let's go there together once you get well and once this whole mess is over."

Also "let's go together" could be at the end of the sentence. So:

Once you get well and once this whole mess is over, let's go together."


Once winter is over.
Once spring arrives, we'll view the cherry blossoms together----

Once winter is over.
Once spring arrives, we'll go flower viewing together----


In epilogue Conclusion - Conclusion
Sakura recalls Shirou's words of promise.

"---All right. Then it's a promise. Let's go together once you get well and once this whole mess is over."

How about:
"---All right. Then it's a promise. Once you get well and once this whole mess is over..."

The last words are crucial, as we can't hear Shirou say "futari de ikou" in the voiced version.
Sakura adds to it:
Yes--- The promise is... (to go together)

I know it's not really a big thing, but I'd rather say all my thoughts.


13th Day: Night - Decision Time

How about changing decision from:
1. Kill Sakura.
to
1. Bring the knife down.
I know it doesn't mean "Kono te ni kakeru" but I just don't like the sound of it ;)

13th Day: Night - Beautiful aria

I can't manage it looking down, so I tilt my face up and restrain my anger.
I can't manage to look down, so I tilt my face up and restrain my anger.

"----I will betray them."
"----I will betray."

"I'm the bad guy in that dream.
"I'm the villain in that dream.


At this rate, I'll see nothing but those dreams
and forget about you. I'll be a villain for real,
going around and killing people."

At this rate, I'll see nothing but those dreams
and stop recognizing you. I'll really become a villain,
going around killing people."


...If you can finish it here before I become the
bad guy, then-----

...If you can finish it here before I become a
bad person, then-----

".....No, you'll regret it..."
".....Don't, you'll surely regret it..."
Then again "No" sounds good in this scene.


"...It's too late.
"...I already do.


9th Day - Rain

"No, Senpai----I'll probably end up hurting you."
"Don't, Senpai----I'll surely end up hurting you."
Then again "No" sounds good in this scene.


"I'm going to hurt you, Senpai, but-----"
"But, even though I'll end up hurting you----"
or
"I'll end up hurting you, but-----"
Last edited by Kenzu on January 17th, 2009, 7:20 pm, edited 12 times in total.

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Unread post by Kenzu » November 24th, 2008, 11:44 am

Heaven's Feel

9th Day: School - Older brother and younger sister-VS Rider

Rider
"Stop. My Master will harm her if you take another step."
"Stop. If you come any closer, her safety won't be guaranteed."

Shinji
"But it's boring to just fight right? It's not fair
since I'm not a magus, and it's obvious that I'll win
in a fight."

"But it's boring to just fight right? It's not fair
since I'm not a magus, and it's obvious that I would win
in a normal fight."


12th Day Night
Intermission - Nightmare, awakening

When Sakura lies skewered by Gilgamesh

Senpai finally accepted me...
Senpai is finally looking at me...

"Because---Because if I die now, Nee-san will..."
"Because---Because if I die now, Senpai will... by Nee-san..."


Last projection (after the fight with Kotomine)

I release my left arm.
My conscioussness is about to fade away.
"----Trace on." - he didn't say it in Realta Nua, did he say it in the original?
That would be strange, because he hasn't started the projection yet.
Then again I haven't played the original in Japanese so I don't know.


15th Day: Conclusion - At the end of a miracle

"I want to live with Sakura
So...
Proje...
[...]
Projection... Commence..." (Toe kaishi)
Instead of "Trace On"

"A sword is in my hand." (Te ni ken wo...)
Shirou hasn't projected Excalibur yet.
So perhaps one of the following:
"Sword in hand..."
"Project the sword..."
"A sword is appearing in my hand..."


Conclusion - At the end of a miracle

After Zelretch commends Rin

Rin
"W-What do you mean?"
"W-What do you mean Great Master?" (Dai sifu)

Zelretch
"Use the people of the Association. It's a stiff,
conservative place, but they have the tools."

"Use the people of the Association. It's a stiff,
conservative place, but there's more than enough tools."
I think he refers to people she can use.

Sakura
"...I see. So, Nee-san. Emiya---Senpai's..."
"...I see. So, Nee-san. About the Emiya household---about Senpai..."
Last edited by Kenzu on December 4th, 2008, 12:32 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Unread post by Ephyon » November 24th, 2008, 11:58 pm

The same thing I said before, the date change being screwed, happens again between 15 and 16. It shows it changing from 14 to 15 instead.

HF, 16th Day - VS Saber - Sparks liner high

"Once that happens,Tohsaka will lose"

Missing space.

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Unread post by Kenzu » November 25th, 2008, 4:57 pm

Heaven's Feel

10th Day: Breakfast - About Rider who is at the table

Shirou
"---Sakura, isn't she a problem?"
"---Sakura, doesn't she have a problem?"

Rider
Please go ahead and eat."
You may continue your meal."


"I'm sure having your bitter enemy at the table
with you is uncomfortable."

"I'm sure having your bitter enemy at the table
is making you feel uneasy."


"What shall I do?"
"I wonder about that."
or
"I wonder."

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Unread post by Kenzu » November 26th, 2008, 5:19 pm

Heaven's Feel

Conclusion - To Angra Manyu

Rider
Sakura needs you and Rin. Please remember
that. ... I need you to support Sakura.

Sakura needs you and Rin. Please remember that.
... I also feel... that if you won't be the one to
support Sakura, I won't be able to accept it.

or
Sakura needs you and Rin. Please remember that.
... I also... won't accept anyone except you
to support Sakura.

or
Sakura needs you and Rin. Please keep that in mind.
... Also... I won't accept anyone except you
to support Sakura.

Conclusion - All evils of the world

Kotomine
There is only one goal for me: to give birth to the curse.
There is only one goal for me: to let this curse be born.


"Not a fight against someone else, but a battle
with your body at stake!----!"

"Not a fight against an enemy, but a battle
where you bet your whole being----!"


15th Day: Conclusion - At the end of a miracle

Ilya
Do you want to live Shirou? Do you want to live on,
no matter what kind of life you become?

Do you want to live Shirou? No matter what kind of life it will be,
no matter what shape it will take... Do you still want to live?


I can't completely reproduce it using only my own
body, but it's allright. You'll be back in no time if you
and Rin keep trying.

I can only use my body, so I can't fully reproduce it.
But it's allright. If you and Rin keep trying, you will
be back to your old self in no time.


But I'm glad we were siblings.
But I'm really glad we were siblings.
Last edited by Kenzu on February 8th, 2010, 11:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Unread post by Kenzu » November 28th, 2008, 7:13 pm

Fate: 13th Day: Awakening - The king's memories

--She chose to fight.
--I decided to fight.

--She still chose to fight.
--Even so, I decided to fight.

It is Saber who says it.


UBW Match decided - Unlimited Blade Works

I'll probably be able to beat him."
I'll beat him for sure."


Heaven's Feel

4th Day: Outside church - Will to fight, fighting sword

Oh, crap. I was trying to hold it in, but I my
laughter spills out.

Oh, crap. I was trying to hold it in, but my
laughter spills out.


The battle at Ryudou Temple - True Assassin VS Rider

Zouken
"Fool, did he not kill Saber...!?"
"Fool, did you screw up...!?"

It's different from when she saved me.
It's different from when we fought her. (perhaps)

Shirou is being saved NOW, so it doesn't sound logical.
Can't tell what he really says though, because I can't read it.


You don't have to go easy just because she is my
grandson's Servant!

How about changing "grandson's" to "grandchild's"? Gender is not mentioned that way.
Also it could be changed to "grandchild" for every time Zouken says "magou".


8th Day: Midnight: Ryudou Temple - Parting and oath

Rider
Even though you are not a magus and have lost your Servant?
Even though you are not a magus and lost Saber?
Last edited by Kenzu on November 29th, 2008, 12:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Unread post by Ephyon » November 29th, 2008, 2:04 am

UBW - End of Battle - Answer

"If you can only live by holding on to that ideal, drown in your ideals"

This one bothered me for a while. I wouldn't normally comment on prose, but this one is a pretty bad case of redundancy. Wouldn't it be better to have it as "drown in them"?

Also, something I noticed: Saber's profile lists the maryoku burst as "Magical Energy Release" while Black Saber's is "Mana Energy Release".

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