F/sn Typo/Grammar Mistake Report [v2.0]

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Unread postby Glorfyboy » March 24th, 2008, 9:23 pm

Day 6, UBW route, scene name: Morning - School - Shinji and Mitsuzuri. This is right after shirou leaves the house.

the line is: 'I wave her goodbye and leave.' Perhaps this might be grammatically correct in some shape or form, I can't be certain, but it definitely sounds wrong. It should be 'I wave goodbye to her and leave.' or 'I wave goodbye and leave.' works too.

The line immediately before this is: "Yeah, I learned that yesterday. I'll ask for your help if I'm to go after an enemy."

The line immeiately following it is: 'The morning is peaceful."
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Unread postby Ephyon » March 25th, 2008, 12:09 am

Fate, Day 14. Encounter

Her back asks me to forgive her
...Even she can only block his first attack.
The chance of success of retreating from a guy like this is low.

Second line looks somewhat odd. It would be "Even if she can only block his first attack"... no actually, that still looks weird. The only there throws the coherence of the sentence out of whack. Either he's saying that "As she can only block the first blow, chances of retreating are low" in which case it would be "If she can only block his first attack", or (What it really looks like) he's saying "Even if she can do that, the chances are still low" in which case it would be "Even if she can block his first attack", skipping the only.
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Unread postby MechR » March 25th, 2008, 4:50 am

Day 11, coming home to find Caster holding Taiga hostage, Caster explains:
...I can even use your great noble Phantasm as many times as I want.

Needs capitalization.

Edit: Day 12, if Shirou goes to the church, he hears a commotion in the back:
I stop myself before sitting down on the chair. shelf might have come down, as I hear things breaking and Kotomine's voice.

It should be A shelf.

Edit2: Day 12, interlude 12-2. When the heroic spirit explanation starts:
There are those who left the world loved by people, and there are those who left the world praised as a noble kings.

That "a" should not be there.

Edit3: Day 12, while Caster and Rin are talking, Caster has no audio for this line:
"Yes, you are right. You look like you have some plan. But Archer, do you really think so? Do you think you can defeat me here like that girl thinks?"
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Unread postby Darkness Flame » March 25th, 2008, 4:37 pm

Day 10, second section of text
My head has clear up, as I managed to get about three hours of sleep.

Should be cleared for proper grammar
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Unread postby MechR » March 25th, 2008, 9:57 pm

Day 13, at Ilya's castle after she's defeated:
...Well, we'll have a bed to sleep in here. If we're lucky, we might even find some magical item of Ilysviel's.

That should be Ilyasviel's.

Edit: Day 13, at Ilya's castle, if you choose "all right" for Lancer's proposal:
"--I see, this is seriously bad. No wonder you're going through so much trouble, young lady."
"Oh, you can tell? That's great. There's finally someone who understands. "I was worried that things would stay like this to the very end."

There's an extra double-quote mark in the middle of Rin's line.

Edit2: Day 14, Lancer vs Archer interlude:
This is nothing extraordinary.
This is the only skill he possesses.
It is not innate like Saber's "instict", but it is a simple weapon that anyone can gain through hard work.

That should be instinct.

Edit3: Day 14, switching back to Shirou vs Kuzuki:
"Ah, guh--!"

I desperately retreat.
I pitifully retreat while Kuzuki closes in, not revealing any hints of how he advanced."

The double-quote at the end shouldn't be there.

Edit4: Day 14 night, when Shirou, Saber, and Lancer are setting out, Lancer teases Saber:
"......Wow."
I guess Saber doesn't get along well with Lancer.
But I never thought Saber would get angry like Tohsaka..

Another double-period.

Edit5: Day 15, when Lancer kills Kotomine:
The demonic lance is pulled out.
The priest, giving nothing to show for his departure, falls and dies.

I think that should be having.
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Re: UBW

Unread postby TakaJun » March 26th, 2008, 1:16 am

OKay, as the topic states, please do not discuss other people's posts. I'll look at individual posts and be able to decide.

And please do not edit your previous posts. It makes the corrections really hard to follow.

Some responses.

imagelesskink wrote:When Caster is holding Fujimura hostage, every instance of "Fuji-nee" is blanked out.

This is intended. It was like this in the original as well.

gokieks wrote:But there is another problem.
Yes, the problem is, the problem is the problem is, the problem is the problem is the problem is that the unit cannot keep up with the function. My body is burning.
No idea if that's intended or not, but sounds weird either way.

Intended.

Ephyon wrote:Just as Shirou tells Rin and Saber he met up with Shinji, they both reply:
Rin: "Wha... Rider's Master!? When did this happen!?"
Saber: "Ridiculous! Meeting with another Master by yourself, what were you thinking!?"

No actual mistake, but Saber's line is missing the voice.

Some texts were taken out in RN, so some texts don't have voices.

MechR wrote:On Day 3, in the UBW route if you "do as Tohsaka said" and run away from the Berserker fight, Lancer kills you. You can hear him say two lines, but they're blank in the translation:
Image Image

It's blank in the original.

MechR wrote:Morning of Day 9, from Rin's perspective. Archer says:
"I guess it can't be helped. It is the role of the servant to support his master when the master is not doing well. I shall look after you until you return to your usual self."

Servant and Master are capitalized elsewhere in the game, so I guess they're supposed to be capitalized here, too.

The word Servant and Master is capitalized when it's used as "Servant" Caster or as the term Nasu put there. It's left in lowercase when it was used to mean like menial, slave, etc
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Re: UBW

Unread postby MechR » March 26th, 2008, 1:53 am

TakaJun wrote:And please do not edit your previous posts. It makes the corrections really hard to follow.

Ah, sorry. I did that whenever my post was still the newest in the thread. Will stop it.

Day 15, in the last phase of the Shirou vs Archer fight:
The boy has absorbed his combat skills to the point where he's able to fight decently, has now returned to fighting without them.

Should probably say "The boy who has"

Also, later in the fight:
The impact breaks one of the arm and the leg.
My sense of pain hasn't been numbed.
I use my fury to clamp down the pain that almost makes me wet my pants.

The first line's grammar is strange. Maybe "The impact breaks an arm and a leg."
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Unread postby MechR » March 26th, 2008, 1:57 am

Day 15, after the Shirou vs Archer fight, when Gilgamesh is explaining how he's still around:
"That depends on how one does it. Magi make up lack of Magic Circuit with knowledge. In that regards, my Master was exceptional.

Should be regard, singular.
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Unread postby MechR » March 26th, 2008, 2:16 am

Day 15 intermission, Gilgamesh catches up with Shinji, who complains:
How!? Kotomine said that even if we have the Holy Grail, we can't make it if there's no veseel! That kid's heart is not enough. That won't turn into a Holy Grail unless we connect it to a Magic Circuit, right...!?"

Should be vessel.
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Unread postby MechR » March 26th, 2008, 5:23 am

Day 16, when Archer and Rin are saying goodbye:
He body was disappearing, but he did not come to her and ask for help, and he instead watched over this battle.

That should be His.
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Unread postby MechR » March 26th, 2008, 5:53 am

True End Epilogue:
"--I know you're not enthusiastic about going there since the Magic Association is your enemy, but the Clock Tower has proper equipments and it's really well-suited for training.

Think that should be equipment, singular.
Last edited by MechR on March 26th, 2008, 5:56 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Unread postby MechR » March 26th, 2008, 5:56 am

True End Epilogue:
...Well, but you'll be in a disadvantageous position because you'll be a student at the Magic Association without being a part of it.""

There's an extra double-quote at the end.
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Unread postby MechR » March 26th, 2008, 6:42 am

Rin saying goodbye to Archer:
She does not put it into words.
She looks up at the disappearing knight with flood of emotions.

Should be with a flood.
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Unread postby Crack » March 26th, 2008, 11:30 am

All on Fate route

2 days ago - Prologue

"There's always somthing to worry about, isn't there" > isn't it
"Perhaps the director is just interested in archery"
It's the first time I saw the word "director" in the meaning of "head of an educational institution". Shouldn't it be "principal"?


Day 2: Dinner - Love's magical ranger force

"it gets dark early in winter" > in the winter


Day 2: Night - Returning home - One more time

"to end it differently from last time" > the last time


Day 3: Lecture on Masters

"Heroes are that kind of being" > beings, there are multiple heroes
"Then let me ask you one more thing.It is a boring question" > no space after full stop


Day 4: Funny clothes

"I'll be careful if you don't like that, but you don't you like it?" > don't you like it


Day 7

"It seems like Ilya's words is slightly off" > are slightly off


Day 8: Before dinner

"I see. Than it's your turn." > Then


Day 9: VS Rider

Rider will lose large amounts of blood and will just disappear.
"...!?"
But that's just needless worry for people who know nothing.

a needless worry (missing "a")
Besides, "needless worry for people who know nothing" suggests that it was intended, I believe "a needless worry of people who know nothing" would sound better.
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Unread postby aldeayeah » March 26th, 2008, 11:43 am

Unlimited Blade Works
15th Day: Return home, night
Before the final battle

Not really a typo or grammar mistake, but a translation issue. The fix should be rather straightforward, that's why I'm posting it here.

When talking with Saber and Rin about fighting Gilgamesh, Shirou says this:

"You can't beat him as long as you are an Heroic Spirit.
...Yeah, Saber won't lose if he only had Excalibur as a Noble Phantasm. We don't even need to compare the two's skills as swordsmen."


The mistake is that Shirou doesn't know Saber's identity at this point, so bringing up Excalibur doesn't make too much sense.

Going back to the Japanese text (Shift-JIS), this it what Shirou said (same sentence highlighted).

There's no mention of Excalibur. Only "Saber's Noble Phantasm" (seibaa no hougu) is mentioned.

EDIT: How does one post Japanese in PHPBB? Replaced the quote for a link to the quote...
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Unread postby james-skarz » March 26th, 2008, 1:50 pm

MechR wrote:
lolipedofin wrote:
Should that be a or an? It seems Googling for "a hindrance" returns 100 times as many results as Googling for "an hindrance".
There seems to be some nouns that started with "h" which then given "an" for the article. In the prologue, there's a line "There was said to be an heirloom, this might well be it" I really think this words should use "a" for the articles.

The difference is the H in "heirloom" is silent, whereas it's not silent in "hindrance". (Plus "an heirloom" gets 14x more Google results than "a heirloom" :P)

Pretty sure I pointed that error out ages ago but it's just me being all 'sour grapes' here. :P

Back to whatever's left of UBW Error correction -
UBW 11th Day: Caster's Home Delivery :P, When Shirou is talking about his boundary field - "...I guess someone came in here while we were gone...I guess it was fortunate we were gone." The first "I guess" seems out of place , removing it would make the sentence sound more grammatically correct: "...Someone came in here while we were gone...I guess it was fortunate we were gone."

Also, when Shirou witnesses Taiga being taken hostage, he comments "I never knew that you get calm if anger passes a certain level." Maybe it's just me but i think that it should be 'that you become calm', i don't know why but 'get calm' just seems wrong.

And for some really odd reason during the Taiga hostage situation, Shirou comments (in the narrative) 'If Tohsaka's going to move, I'll Tohsaka before Caster does'. I'm quite sure that word shouldn't be blanked out, as there is no way that 'Fuji-nee' fits in there, the missing word is 'stop' .

Again, Rin says to Caster "..! Didn't you learn from previous experience...!?" Again it sounds wrong but I can't put my finger on the actual 'error'. I think it should be 'Didn't you learn from your previous encounter' or something of the like.

Grammar error when Shirou refuses Caster, she says "Oh, I thought you might be clueless,but I guess you do know the position you are in." There should be a space after the comma.

That's all for the 11th day...man I'm behind on corrections even though I'm finished reading UBW -_-.
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Unread postby s3raph1m » March 30th, 2008, 2:40 am

Route: UBW
Day 10
(Morning scene) Half the body paralized(?)

She puts magarine on hear bread while she's speaking.

should be her instead of hear

Pict
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Unread postby Balcerzak » March 30th, 2008, 8:17 pm

Here is the compilation of all of the grammar errors I noticed so far (I've currently played through everything you could get to without having beat Fate, and then just finally beat Fate). Things that have already been reported have been struck-through (my apologies if I missed some and double-report). The general format for my reports give the Route once (until or unless it changes), the scene once (until or unless it changes, with minor location or activity notes mentioned in parentheses), the line(s) of (and occasionally surrounding) the error, what the problem is and why, potential solutions or suggestions. In my solutions or suggestions I often do not repeat the entire sentence, but only the area around the error, and changes from the original are offset by underscores. All errors found within the H-scenes are hidden by spoiler tags. Actual spoilers are out in the open, so if you're another reporter who hasn't complete the Fate route, beware!

Repeating issue: "I want for [noun] to [verb]"-> "I want [noun] to [verb]" (http://www.bartleby.com/64/C003/0299.html)
Repeating issue: "try and" -> "try to" (http://www.bartleby.com/64/C003/0290.html)
Repeating issue: Fuyuki city. Should be capitalized Fuyuki City, for consistency
Repeating issue: Hercules should be Herakles (The actual Greek hero, and how the katakana translate, to the best of my knowledge)
Repeating issue: "Dammit" and "Damnit". For consistency's sake choose one. (I think I saw this more than once, but didn't think to note it at the time.)

Two Days Ago - Prologue
(Very first scene)
Line: The armor she is wearing is not beautiful at all and unrefined as the cold night.
Problem: missing word. Consider the sentence without the "beautiful" bit: The armor she is wearing is unrefined as the cold night. There is a missing "as" in the simile construction.
Solution: and _as_ unrefined as

(ten years ago)
[lots of tense confusion]

Line: I realized even as a child. ----That most likely... He won't be coming back.
Problem: verb tense agreement. "realized" is in the past tense, so the other verb in the sentence should match it, however "won't" (or will not) is used, which is in the future tense. The conditional tense should be used instead, as the conditional is used to express the "future" when one is in the past.
Solution: He _wouldn't_ be coming back.

Line: ...A war has started.
Problem: verb tense agreement (surrounding context is in past tense, so past perfect should be preferred to present perfect)
Solution: ...A war _had_ started.

Line: In a situation like this, the word "war" should be unsuitable, but it's a different story as the ones in conflict are magi.
Problem: missing word
Suggest: In a situation like this the word "war" should be unsuitable, but _here_ it's a different story, as the ones in conflict are magi.

Line: The seven magi, each from a different faction, started to compete for unknown reasons...
Problem: verb tense. Things were already in progress in the flashback, so should use the past perfect tense.
Solution: The seven magi [...] _had_ started to compete

(present day)
Line: Fuyuki city is usually pretty warm in the winter, but this morning is as cold as any other city.
Problem: missing word. The city is cold, not the morning, so there needs to be a pronoun there.
Solution: but this morning _it_ is as

Line: I put the pendant, which can now be said is my father's memento, into my pocket
Problem: awkward. Verbs following other conjugated verbs are usually left in infinitive form.
Suggest: which can now be _said to be_ my father's memento,

Line: There's a foreigner's cemetery in the new city across the river,
Problem: plural possesive. It's not the cemetery of a single foreigner, but rather of many.
Solution: a _foreigners'_ cemetery

(archery club with Ayako)
Line: She joined the archery club with no experience and is now the captain as if it were the only natural thing.
Problem: awkward
Suggest: as if it were _only natural_.

(After school)
Line: It's not like I don't have any business with the archery club or the student council, but I don't have enough free time for them these past few days.
Problem: inconsistent verb tenses in last clause. If she's talking about the past few days as if it were something that is no longer an issue in the days to come, she should use the past perfect (first option). If it's still ongoing, then "past few" needs to be altered (second option)
Solution: I _haven't had_ enough free time -or- for them _these days._

Line: This is not so much a rank, but it more indicates "one who is in control".
Problem: word usage is awkward.
Suggest: rank, _rather it_ indicates

Line: The pendant I found last night in the basement is one of the best Artifact in its class.
Problem: plural. The phrase "one of the best" takes a plural object.
Solution: one of the best _Artifacts_

Line: This is the pain caused by my human body rejecting its self as the Magic Circuit.
Problem: odd usage. Its self should be one word.
Solution: rejecting _itself_ as

Line: -----The day of fate comes to a close. No, this night is the start of the fate.
Problem: extra "the". The first instance of fate doesn't have a 'the', so the second one doesn't need it either.
Solution: this night is the start _of fate_.

One Day Ago - Prologue
(Morning)
Line: Like Archer said, a Master who has just summoned their Servant cannot function to satisfaction.
Problem: slightly awkward. The phrase 'to satisfaction' is being used to modify the verb 'to function'. Instead of this one should use the adverb 'satisfactorily'.
Solution: cannot function _satisfactorily_.

Line: ...I fight a bit against the unseasonably warm air and my desire to stay wrapped up in my blanket.
Problem: factual discrepancy? Just yesterday Rin said "Fuyuki city is usually pretty warm in the winter" and was complaining about how cold it was. Also, cold air, not warm, would tend to lend one to wanting to stay wrapped up.

Line: I only expected him to clear up the rubble, so I'm moved if he goes this far.
Problem: tense issues. Expected is in the past, and so were Archer's actions.
Solution: I'm moved _that he went_ this far.

(explaining town)
Line: Here, the place with old houses and traditional buildings, is Miyama-cho.
Problem: Inconsistent usage: Miyama-cho
Solution: Miyama City

The Day - Prologue
(Evening)
Line: In response to Lancer full of murderous intent, Archer remains silent.
Problem: needs comma. 'full of murderous intent' is a parenthetical phrase and needs to be fully offset from the rest of the sentence.
Solution: In response to _Lancer, full_ of murderous intent,

Line: People's wishes that "this is how things should be" give them form and sets them up as real.
Problem: verb agreement. 'Wishes' is the subject for the verb, and should take the plural form 'set'.
Solution: give them form and _set_ them up

Line: Just as a form invented by humans is required for the imaginary sixth element as the devil to take form, the heroic spirits also need a form to live in this world.
Problem: What is the first clause trying to say? Imaginary sixth element, devil? That aside there are some serious grammar issues too. Perhaps it's just a missing word?
Suggestion: the imaginary sixth element_, known_ as the devil_,_

Line: Heroes' weapons which rules over all others, and which have killed dragons and Gods.
Problem: verb agreement. 'Weapons' is the subject and should take the plural form 'rule'. Also, capitalization. God is only capitalized as a proper noun.
Solution: weapons which _rule_ over all others.
Solution: killed dragons and _gods_.

Line: I've never heard of a two-sword bowman.
Problem: awkward/seems to be missing a word
Suggest: a _two-sword using_ bowman -or- a _dual sword wielding_ bowman -or- heard of a _bowman that uses two swords_.

Line: I've had to make these kind of choices many times before.
Problem: agreement. 'Kind' describes 'choices' which is plural, so it should itself be plural.
Solution: these _kinds_ of choices

Line: Sakura's flashes in my mind.
Problem: missing word
Solution: Sakura's _face_ flashes


Line: In the frozen feeling, I feel a small sense on an enemy.
Problem: typo
Solution: a small sense _of_ an enemy.


1st Day: Recollection of ten years ago-Morning "Rebirth"
(intro/flashback)
Line: Not just a metaphor, but it was close to the truth.
Problem: awkward, unnecessary word. Conjunctions join two independent clauses. 'Not just a metaphor' is a dependent clause, which expands on the main clause.
Solution: Not just a _metaphor, it_ was close to the truth.

Line: ...Well, there were nothing but children in similar situations around me,
Problem: subject-verb agreement. 'Nothing' is singular, and should take 'was'
Solution: there _was_ nothing but

Line: But it makes no difference, as I know nothing about either one:
Problem: tense is different than that of the surrounding context.
Solution: But it _made_ no difference, as I _knew_ nothing

(shed)
Line: It also has lots of blueprints and junk resulting from my failures while I do my training.
Problem: awkward. Only the junk is a result of his failures, and not the blueprints, so some differentiation ought to be made. Changing to a parenthetical phrase will help.
Suggest: junk_, the result of failures from when_ I do my training.

1st Day: Morning training "Dojo scenery"
Line: It has all changed a year and a half ago into this cooperative kind of relationship.
Problem: tense. Present perfect is only used for recent occurrences. A year and a half ago is too much.
Solution: _It all_ changed a year and a half ago

1st Day: School-After school "Everyday(I)"
(fixing heater)
Line: If the pipe was broken, it couldn't be fixed by an amateur.
Problem: subjunctive. The subjunctive is used when positing conditions that are contrary to fact. The pipe is actually not broken, but if it were...
Solution: If the pipe _were_ broken,

Line: If that had been the case, I would have to "strengthen" it in a very unamatuerish way.
Problem: tense agreement. Past perfect is used in the 'if' clause, so past perfect should be used in the 'then' clause. Also, awkward word. 'unamateurish'? What does that even mean? The opposite of amateur would be professional but that doesn't seem right either. Finally 'amateur' is spelled with 'eu' not 'ue'.
Solution: I would have _had_ to

1st Day: After school "Brownie chocolate cake"
(Work)
Line: You took care of the store when me and dad got sick too.
Problem: compound subject order.
Solution: when _dad and I_ got

1st Day: Bedtime "Training(Magic Circuit)"
(training)
Line: But you cannot become a magus just though effort.
Problem: misspell
Solution: just _through_ effort

Line: Whatever the form of the magic, a spell using the large source far excels one using only one's own power.
Problem: wrong word. 'Excel' means to perform well, while 'exceed' means to surpass.
Solution: far _exceeds_ one

Line: Pumping different blood only accelerates its breakdown, certainly not strengthen it.
Problem: awkward second clause(fragment). Considered on its own "pumping different blood certainly not strengthen it" doesn't make any sense.
Suggest: its _breakdown, it certainly wouldn't_ strengthen it.

2nd Day: Morning "Dojo scenery"
(Morning physical training)
Line: One of the requirement for a magus is to have excellent physical abilities.
Problem: agreement. 'One of the' refers to a choice from several possibilities, meaning 'requirement' should be plural.
Solution: One of the _requirements_ for

2nd Day: Breakfast "Morning in the Emiya household"
(kitchen)
Line: My school archery club emphasize formalities as they let us shoot formally even as students.
Problem: agreement. Archery club is the subject, and singular, should take the singular verb form.
Solution: archery club _emphasizes_ formalities

2nd Day: School "Everyday(II)"
Line: He does teach very harshly, but he's not the type to makes fun of people like that.
Problem: agreement. The infinitive form of a verb is singular, 'to make'.
Solution: the type to _make_ fun of

Line: Bye Emiya, come and see my archery skills sometimes.
Problem: agreement. Sometime should be singular.
Solution: skills _sometime_.

(Lunchtime)
Line: But there are some old-fashion students who bring their own lunches.
Problem: wrong word.
Solution: some _old-fashioned_ students

Line: Emiya, could you give me one of that fried chicken?
Problem: agreement. 'One of that' takes a plural object, but here it is given 'chicken', which is singular. I'm assuming he's referring to pieces of fried chicken, but "one of those fried chicken pieces" just sounds too awkward. Since he's only asking for some of the chicken, I think the best choice is my suggestion below.
Suggest: give me _some_ of that fried chicken

2nd Day: After School-Part time job "Tohsaka Rin(I)"
(Shinto park)
Line: A park should be filled with people like famlies and lovers on weekends, but it's empty here now.No... this place is always desolate.
Problem: missing space.
Solution: here _now. No_...


(After work)
Line: I just gaze up at the building, just enjoying the night's scenery... "...?" ...When I think I saw something out of place.
Problem: verb tense. This is being narrated in present tense, so the past tense form 'saw' is out of place.
Solution: I think I _see_ something

3rd Day: After School-Night "Night of fate"
(after school)
Line: I bump into Shinji. There are couple of girls behind him, being rowdy.
Problem: missing word
Solution: there are _a_ couple of

Line: When I look at the clock, its way past curfew.
Problem: wrong it. You want contraction not possession
Solution: clock, _it's_ way

(outside dojo)
Line: No wonder its dark... the moon's behind the clouds.
Problem: wrong it. You want contraction not possession
Solution: No wonder _it's_ dark

Line: I think I heard something
Problem: tense issues. Think is present tense, while heard is past. Choose one or the other and stick with it.
Solution: I _thought_ I heard something -or- I think I _hear_ something

Line: And a school out of all thing.
Problem: needs plural
Solution: out of all _things_.

(stabbed)
Line: All the training I did were nothing.
Problem: agreement. Training is the subject, and is singular, and should take the singular form of the verb. Also, a preposition is needed.
Solution: All the training I did _was for_ nothing

Line: The air coming out of my mouth is loud as a hurricane
Problem: missing word. Proper simile construction is 'as ... as'
Solution: is _as_ loud as

3rd Day: Night-Returning home "One more time"
(cleaning up)
Line: With unsteady hands, I manage to get the blood wiped off, and pick up any trash lying around and put them into my pocket.
Problem: trash is singular, so the pronoun should match.
Solution: put _it_ into

(defending against lancer)
Line: If his weapon was a sword, I might have been able to at least prepare for it.
Problem: subjunctive. Supposing a condition contrary to fact.
Solution: If his weapon _were_ a sword,

Line: He let me hit him once, since I blocked him twice.
...But I used up my one and only chance for just a makeshift.
Problem: missing word? Makeshift what. Makeshift is an adjective, not a noun
Suggest: for just a makeshift _attack_.

(in the shed)
Line: The running sliver light.
Problem: misspelled
Solution: running _silver_ light


(enter Saber)
Line: The figure in front of me is so special that I forget the situation that the man outside could come and attack at any second.
Problem: needs comma
Solution: that I forget the _situation, that_ the man outside

Summoning of Saber. VS Lancer "Promised sign"
(invisible sword)
Line: But as you can't see what shape it is or how long it is, you can't tell anything about it.
Problem: nor is used as the negative disjunction
Solution: you can't see what shape it is _nor_ how long

Line: Who knows? It might be battle axe or it might be a spear.
Problem: missing word
Solution: It might be _a_ battle axe

(exit Lancer)
Line: When the girl tries to jump over the wall, she clinches her chest and stops.
Problem: wrong word. 'Clinch' means to make secure, 'clench' means to grasp
Solution: she _clenches_ her chest

Line: ...No, those aren't what fascinates me.
Problem: verb agreement. Those is plural, but fascinates is the singular form of the verb.
Solution: those aren't what _fascinate_ me -or- No, _that isn't_ what fascinates me (the second is more likely, IMO, as unless you're counting the armor and the cloth from the previous paragraph as separate, there's only one thing being referenced)

Route: Fate
3rd Day: Lecture on Masters "Tohsaka Rin(II)"
(after saving Tohsaka, in the hallway)
Line: Some magi use human as their familiar, but they need enough magical energy to restrain a human at all times if they do such a thing.
Problem: missing word or agreement
Solution: use _a_ human -or- use _humans_ as their _familiars_,

(living room conversation)
Line: Strengthening... that an awfully odd magic. So you can't do anything other than that?
Problem: missing word
Solution: Strengthening... _that's_ an awfully


(about to head for church)
Line: "No, that's not the problem." Its just that a lot of things happened today, so I want to have a rest and think about them.
Problem: wrong it. You want contraction not possession
Solution: _It's_ just that

3rd Day: Kotomine Church "Alter Ego"
(at church, Kirei lecture about not killing masters)
Line: Then let me ask you one more thing.It is a boring question, but do you think you are superior to your Servant?
Problem: missing space
Solution: more _thing. It_ is a


(about repeating nature of the war)
Line: "What do you mean? The Holy Grail War didn't just start now?"
"Of course not. Do you think a supervisor would be dispatched if it was so?"
Problem: subjunctive. Positing something contrary to fact. It is not the first Holy Grail War. Also tense matching, the supervisor has already been dispatched.
Solution: would _have been_ dispatched if it _were_ so?

(requesting final decision)
Line: The priest requests my final decision. "--------" I'm at a loss of words.
Problem: wrong preposition
Solution: I'm at a loss _for_ words.

3rd Day: Night "Forest of no return"
(Revoking the command spell)
Line: This is... yes, it's just the priest's fingers, that are transparent like a ghost, are sinking into my arm.
Problem: awkward, missing word.
Suggest: it's just _that_ the priest's fingers, _which_ are

(Angry Saber)
Line: Than you do not mind being killed by me here?
Problem: wrong word. You want the time marker, not the comparator.
Solution: _Then_ you do not


(Ba-za-ka- squash!)
Line: AH, AHHH, AHHHHhHHHHH...!
Problem: lowercase letter
Solution: _AHHHHHHHHHHH_...!

3rd Day: Kotomine Church "Decision"
(acceptance)
Line: But still, if there are only two choices of fighting or running away, I will never run away.
Problem: extra word, or missing word
Solution: if there are only two _choices, fighting_ or running away, -or- if there are only _the_ two choices of

Line: The priest who behind me before I knew it, is looking down on me.
Problem: missing word
Solution: who _was_ behind me

The Strongest Enemy
(way back home)
Line: Oh yeah, Tohsaka. That guy said he was the observer of the Holy Grail War, but does he know your Servant?
Problem: consistency - supervisor vs observer? I believe both of them came from 'kantoku'.

Line: The Tohsaka in front of me is too different from her at school.
Problem: Awkward. 'Her' is doesn't seem fit the situation.
Suggest: too different from _how she is_ at school

(intersection)
Line: But. As is she's seen a ghost, her feet stop dead in their tracks
Problem: wrong word
Solution: As _if_ she's seen a ghost

Line: The instance I call out to her, my left hand throbs in pain.
Problem: wrong word. 'Instance' means a specific example of a general case, while 'instant' refers to a point in time.
Solution: The _instant_ I call

3rd Day: Late night "Girl rhapsody"
(Running away with Tohsaka)
Line: The only thing in my head are Tohsaka's words.
Problem: agreement. 'Thing' is singular, while 'are' is plural. One way or the other they need to match.
Solution: The only thing in my head _is_ Tohsaka's words. -or- the only _things_ in my head are

4th Day: Awakening-My room "Principle of action-Tohsaka Rin(III)"
(Flashback)
Line: There was no sounds of insects in the garden as it was silent
Problem: agreement. Sounds is the subject, and is plural, was is the verb and is singular. One way or the other they need to match.
Solution: There _were_ no sounds -or- There was no _sound_ of

4th Day: Rin's question "Invitation refusal"
(about last night)
Line: The more I talk with her, the more I understand this is the real Tohsaka Rin, and that Tohsaka at school is just a mask she puts on.
Problem: missing word
Solution: and that _the_ Tohsaka at school

Line: ...No, it's something I have realized already yesterday.
Problem: tense. The past perfect should be used here, as the realization both began and finished in the past.
Solution: something I _had_ realized already

(about future plans)
Line: "Honestly, I don't know. You say I should fight for the Holy Grail, but I've never been in a fight between magi. First of all, I------
I want to try to avoid killing people, and most of all-----
Problem: need to close the quote. The "avoid killing people" line is not voiced, not spoken.
Solution: First of all, I----_"_

Line: The Servants are answering the Master's call because they can obtain the Holy Grail.
Problem: plural? Servants is plural, so Masters ought to be.
Solution: the _Masters'_ call

Route UBW
4th Day: Before Noon "Solo&Only"
(dojo)
Line: Saber's clothes are so real that they makes me conscious of her womanhood, whether I like it or not.
Problem: verb agreement. Clothes is plural, while makes is singular. They need to match.
Solution: that they _make_ me

Line: ...It's awkward to thank her in the first place, but its even more awkward to thank her in this situation.
Problem: wrong it. You want contraction not possession.
Solution: but _it's_ even more

Line: "No Servants should know my true name at this point." Saying that, Saber looks down awkwardly for a second..
Problem: bad punctuation
Suggest: Use either one period or three. I'm not sure which was intended.


Line: ...Saber narrows her eyes. They are the calm eyes of a swordman who allows no disagreement.
Problem: misspelling
Solution: of a _swordsman_ who

4th Day: Afternoon: School "Telephone murder Fuji-Choice"
(Phoncall from Fuji-Nee)
Line: There are no robbers or fire here. You can rest assured and go back to your club.
Problem: agreement. 'Robbers or fire' is a compound subject that needs to match the plural verb 'are'. In an 'or' situation, that means both of them should be plural.
Solution: There are no robbers or _fires_ here.

(at archery range to Mitsuzuri)
Line: ...And if you can go ahead and tell everyone not to make a fuss about her when we go in, I'll be indebt to you.
Problem: wrong word or missing space
Solution: I'll be _indebted_ to you -or- I'll be _in debt_ to you


4th Day: Returning home-Dinner "Introduce Saber to Fuji-Nee-Girls United?"
(Fuji finally notices Saber)
Line: "---Hm? Why is that girl following us?" ...Then. It seem she only realized it now.
Problem: verb agreement. 'It' is singular, and needs to take a singular verb.
Solution: It _seems_ she only

(after dinner)
Line: It's not like I was hoping for a cheerful dinners from the very first day, but couldn't there have been a bit more conversation?
Problem: extra word
Solution: hoping _for cheerful_ dinners

5th Day: Breakfast-Way to school "Everyday(II)"
(Saber telling Shirou to call her if needed)
Line: I shall be able to jump through space to aide you if I have its backup.
Problem: wrong word. 'Aide' is an assistant, while 'aid' means to render help.
Solution: to _aid_ you

5th Day: School "Compensation for the pride"
(In the schoolyard)
Line: It's not like someone's watching me or that something looks different. If anything, it'll be that it's not that lively.
Problem: wrong word. If clauses require conditional tense, not the future tense.
Solution: If anything, _it'd_ be that

(attacked by Rin)
Line: What sort of magic is it? The instance she points her left hand at me, my vision is filled with light.
Problem: wrong word. Instance vs instant, as already described above.
Solution: The _instant_ she points

5th Day: Morning "See how Saber's doing"
Line: Oh... Excuse me. Taiga is still sleeping, so I jumped to a hasty conclusion that the Emiya family are not an early riser.
Problem: verb agreement. Family is a collective noun, and when decomposed should be plural.
Solution: the Emiya family are _not early risers_


4th Day: Student Council Room "Breathing"
Line: At first, it felt as if he is no ordinary man, but the more I look at him the more ordinary he feels.
Problem: subjunctive. Supposing something contrary to fact.
Solution: it felt as if he _were_ no ordinary man

Line: I'd be surprised as well if Kuzuki-Sensei was a magus.
Problem: subjunctive. Supposing something contrary to fact.
Solution: Kuzuki-Sensei _were_ a magus

Route Fate
4th Day: Morning "Contract Established"
(Rin's book)
Line: I open it at a random page.
Problem: wrong preposition
Solution: I open it _to_ a random page.

Line: Each class has their own special characteristics, but the abilities of the Servants differ accordingly to the rank of the heroic spirit summoned.
Problem: need adjective. 'According to' connects two phrases, 'accordingly' modifies one phrase.
Solution: differ _according_ to

Line: But then, even if they are forgotten or unknown, if he was originally a powerful hero, than I think he can keep his powers to some extent.
Problem: wrong word. You time marker, not the comparator.
Solution: hero, _then_ I think

Line: I'm not overstating saying that the battle between Servants are concentrated in the battle between the Noble Phantasms.
Problem: word choice, missing word, verb agreement. 'Battle' is the subject, and takes a singular verb.
Solution: I'm not _exaggerating in_ saying that the battle between Servants _is_ concentrated -or- I'm not _overstating by_ saying that the battle between Servants _is_ concentrated

Line: "I see. Certainly, that true." Saber did work out Lancer's identity after he used his Noble Phantasm.
Problem: missing verb
Solution: Certainly, _that's_ true. -or- that _is_ true

Line: Don't take this wrong even though we're cooperating right now. In our position, we will eventually fight.
Problem: awkward phrasing. The 'even though' clause seems better suited to the second sentence.
Suggest: Don't take this the wrong way. Even though we're cooperating right now, in our position, we will eventually have to fight.

4th Day: Before noon "Saber(I)"
(laying down)
Line: There's no way this sickness will go away quickly. It seems more likely it'll continue for the rest of my life.
Problem: missing word
Solution: more likely _that_ it'll

Line: Because I was almost killed three times today.
Problem: factual error? The near deaths happened yesterday, the third day

Line: I have been avoiding recalling the girl who was wounded because of me, The one that was bleeding miserably because of me.
Problem: punctuation/capitalization. Comma should be a period, or, the should be lowercase.
Solution: wounded because of me_._ The one that -or- because of me, _the_ one

Line: "Tohsaka didn't say the important thing...!"
Problem: missing word
Solution: the _most_ important thing

(in the dojo with Saber)
Line: Shirou, that is not a possible mean. I can only do those things I will allow myself to do. I cannot betray my beliefs.
Problem: word usage.
Solution: that is not a possible _means_.

4th Day: "Funny clothes"
Line: That armor is weaved by my magical energy. I can call it forth as it is needed.
Problem: wrong tense. You need the past participle here, not the past tense.
Solution: is _woven_ by

4th Day: Afternoon "Saber's Circumstances"(from Funny clothes)
Line: I hear the sound of a something heavy falling at the door.
Problem: extra word
Solution: sound _of something_ heavy

Line: "No, I mean about yourself...! Geez, if you don't understand, that's fine! If you say any more, I'll make you obey using my Command Spell...!
I breathe out hard and intimidate Saber.
Problem: needs closing quote, last line is not voice nor spoken
Solution: Command Spell...!_"_ I breathe out

(shirou's room)
Line: ----Well, that's just how it would be if I was a normal Master.
Problem: subjunctive. Supposing something contrary to fact.
Solution: if I _were_ a normal Master

Line: Since she was summoned like that, it'd be strange if there wasn't anything wrong with her.
Problem: subj. Supposing something contrary to fact.
Solution: if there _weren't_ anything wrong

Line: Yes. If I use up the magical energy I have, I would not be able to stay in this world.
Problem: tense. Present tense leads to future tense, past tense leads to conditional tense.
Solution: I _will_ not be

4th Day: Dinner "Buddy Saber, buddy Rin"
(Ba-za-ka discussion)
Line: It takes sanity away as compensation for strengthening the hero, but to control such an 'insane Servant' requires enormous amount of magical energy.
Problem: missing word/agreement
Solution: requires _an_ enormous amount of -or- requires enormous _amounts_ of

Line: "...It's irritating, but her ability as a Master is on a completely different level."
"...I feel the same way. Our current problem is that the exact Master is after us."
Problem: awkward, wrong word
Solution: Our current problem is that _that_ exact Master is after us

Line: No, you shouldn't do that. They'll be searching too, so that'll tell that right away that you're a Master.
Problem: wrong word
Solution: that'll tell _them_ right away

Line: "Oh, it's no good, though. Saber can't become a spirit, so she won't be able to follow me to school."
Problem: The line is voiced by Rin, not Shirou. This leads to pronoun problems.
Solution: she won't be able to follow _you_ to school.

5th Day: Morning "Rose and hydrangea"
(leaving shed)
Line: Miyama city is warm during the winter, but the top of the mountain on this side has the chill of a normal winter.
Problem: capitalization
Solution: Miyama _City_

(Rin and Sakura)
Line: All I can do is to think how to explain things to Sakura, but before I can think up of a good explanation....
Problem: extra word
Solution: think _up a_ good

Line: She's right. I would be able to explain things better than the merciless Tohsaka.
Problem: tense does not match context. The opportunity is already past.
Solution: I would _have been_ able to


Line: "Just a honest opinion. Anyways, about Sakura. What should we do? I don't think she'll go home now.
...I'll make it clear now, but I won't allow Sakura to get involved."
Problem: agreement. 'Honest' has a vowel sound, and so should take 'an'.
Solution: Just _an_ honest opinion.

5th Day: Lunchtime "Choice"
(walking to school)
Line: It's past seven thirty in the morning. This is the time most students go to school.
In it,
It's natural for me to be met with odd stares if I'm walking with people who stand out so much.
Problem: missing most of a sentence or more!

(hallway, with Issei)
Line: Tohsaka silently passes by us. And then... "Shirou, rooftop during lunch." In a moment. She mutters that so Issei would not be able to hear it.
Problem: awkward, unnecessary phrase. What is "In a moment." there for...

5th Day: Lunchtime "Matou Sakura(III)-The anger of the great devil"
(Rin explains)
Line: I wanted to warn you to be careful, since there's a boundary field set at the school"
Problem: missing word, missing punctuation
Solution: since there's a boundary field set _up_ at the school_._"

Line: Saber entrusted you to me, so if it had been a stupid reason, I would have cast a Geis on you.
Problem: misspelling
Solution: cast a _Geas_ on you.
Apparently I was wrong and you're using the correct spelling

Line: ...Well, it's most likely that it's a doing of someone from this school.
Problem: wrong article. The definite article is a better choice.
Solution: that it's _the_ doing of

5th Day: Return home-Evening "Question for Saber"
Line: "...? I was standing by here as Master ordered, but was I wrong?"
Problem: confusion: standing by here has two meanings that are not immediately distinguishable. She was either on standby there, or she was standing near there, I believe the first was the intended, and perhaps should be clarified
Suggest: I was on standby here as Master ordered,

Line: Humans get headache from sleeping too much, and it's not like you're sleeping because you're sleepy.
Problem: agreement
Solution: get _headaches_ from

Line: It does not matter if that boundary field is to gather sacrifice or to solidify the defenses, as it will be a problem if we allow it to be completed.
Problem: plural
Solution: to gather _sacrifices_ or to

5th Day: Question "Vela Gulf"
Line: "That thing is a concept that can nullify even a Noble Phantasm that destroys the world, if it is below an A ranking.
Berserker... Hercules is a heroic spirit with divinity. One can only affect a heroic spirit who has received the blood of Gods with a divine mystery of the same level."
Problem: capitalization
Solution: the blood of _gods_ with a

5th Day: Dinner "You too"
Line: "...I'm surprised. I was expecting you to make Western-style dishes."
"Oh, she was actually thinking of a Western style dish, but when I told her no one at our house cooks Chinese, she said she would."
Problem: consistency
Solution: All 'Western style', or all 'Western-style'

6th Day: Breakfast-Way to school "Morning at the Emiya household: Festival"
(news)
Line: It's that the people are weakening with no obvious cause, right? People that have lost consciousness without no obvious cause, carried off to the hospital in a coma."
Problem: wrong word
Solution: lost consciousness without _an_ obvious cause

Line: ...Well, it is true that the speed is slower, it doesn't break the rules of magi in its place. And there's also no need to push oneself.
Problem: awkward/confusion: how is its place related to the rules of magi
Suggest: in its _placement_.

6th Day: School-Matou household "The fourth Master"
(Shinji's pad)
Line: I'm exaggerating, but you'd walk into the wall if you 're not used to this place.
Problem: extra space
Solution: if _you're_ not

Line: "Oh no, it's just a precaution. I'd be scared if you just came and attack me, so I have to have Rider by my side."
Problem: tense. Came is past tense, so too should attack be.
Solution: just came and _attacked_ me

Line: Down the generations, what's that thing, the Magic Circuit? That thing faded, and by the time I was born, the Matou blood had returned to that of an ordinary person.
Problem: agreement. Blood is not comparable to person, it is something a person has.
Solution: that of an ordinary _person's_.

Line: Of course! She won't be so unkind to me if that wasn't the case...!
Problem: verb tense, subjunctive. Past tense leads to conditional tense. Also, positing something contrary to fact.
Solution: She _wouldn't_ be so unkind to me if that _weren't_ the case

6th Day: Shinji's invitation, breakdown "Choice"
Line: I'm not a magus, so it's a bother to be forced to follow the Magi's rules.
Problem: capitalization? Why is Magi capitalized. Is it referring to the Magic Association?

6th Day: Return home-Dinner "Everyone getting along"
Line: It's not a cask, it's a pot. And its fine. The rice is today's main dish, so there can be lots of it.
Problem: wrong it. You want contraction not possession.
Solution: And _it's_ fine.

6th Day: Night "Strategy Meeting. Should we challenge Ryudou temple?"
Line: But her wounds shouldn't have healed yet. The wound on her chest made by Lancer's "Noble Phantasm" isn't somthing even Saber can heal quickly.
Problem: consistency, quotation marks were never used around Noble Phantasm before, or after, if memory serves.

Line: "Ridiculous! Meeting with another Master by yourself, what are you thinking!?"
Problem: tense. Should be past tense.
Solution: what _were_ you thinking!?

Line: "What kind of guy ... well, its Shinji."
Problem: wrong it. Want contraction not possession.
Solution: well, _it's_ Shinji

Line: Yes, that' true. It's obvious that there's another Master at school who we don't know about.
Problem: typo
Solution: Yes, _that's_ true.

Line: We have proved that there is a Master, so I believe there is only one action to take.
Problem: tense issues. Need to use the participle, otherwise your construction of the present perfect is incorrect (though the choice was correct).
Solution: have _proven_ that

6th Day: Late night-Ryudou temple "Missing Ariadne"
Line: "There will be defenses against outside enemies at Ryudou Temple. We will have to pass through enemy traps and beat the Master."
"...Mm. Well, that's true,, but..."
Problem: too many commas
Solution: Well, that's _true, but_...

Line: I only want to know who the Master at Ryudou Temple is and their motives.
Problem: fragment. Second clause is incomplete.
Solution: and _what_ their motives _are_.

Line: As long as we are proceeding into enemy territory, I want for you to be prepared for the death on one side.
The death on one side.
That is the scale of fate divided between the Master at the Ryudou Temple and us, the intruders.
The scales are balanced right now, but they might be tilted towards one or the other in a few hours----
Problem: terribly awkward.
Suggest: As long as we are proceeding into enemy territory, I _want you_ to be prepared for the _possibility of_ death on one side.
_The possibility of death._
_The_ scale of fate _is_ divided between the Master at the Ryudou Temple and us, the intruders.
The scales are balanced right now, but they might be tilted towards one _side_ or the other in a few hours----

Line: My existence is pulled out of the third dimension, goes through many dimensions, and dropped back into my original dimension.
Problem: missing word
Solution: and _is_ dropped back

Line: I'm struck in my right chest. and I fall into the water.
Problem: awkward phrase. There is only one chest, and it's not referred to in terms of a right chest or left chest.
Solution: struck _on the right side of my_ chest -or- struck in my right _breast_.

Line: My body---my right chest is gone as if engulfed by a huge electrical fan.
Problem: see immediately preceding problem/suggestion

Tiger Dojo 3
Line: Ilya--You're thinking too much, Taiga. After all,we're on a completely different level.
Problem: missing space, agreement.
Solution: After _all, we're_ _on completely_ different _levels_.


Line: Rin--You have no route from the start.
Problem: tense. Began and ended in the past, needs past perfect.
Solution: You _had_ no route

Intermission "Elegant moonlight-VS Assassin"
Line: The man with the moon at his back wards off Saber's killing intent as if it was just a light breeze.
Problem: subjunctive. Supposing something contrary to fact.
Solution: as if it _were_ just a light breeze

Line: His birth is unknown, and even his existence is uncertain. His story was only told through words of mouth.
Problem: idiom
Solution: through _word_ of mouth.

Line: I do not know what is it you are holding, but the pressure on your body is that of a swordsman.
Problem: word reversal
Solution: what _it is_ you

6th Day: Late night "Absence of Saber"
Line: I wake up with the burning pain in my chest.
Problem: article. Indefinite article is a better choice, it's not a specific pain (such as a previously referenced one).
Solution: with _a_ burning pain

Line: My body is sweating even though its winter and I'm breathing hard.
Problem: wrong it. Want contraction not possession.
Solution: though _it's_ winter

Intermission: "'Demonic Sword'-VS Assassin 2"
Line: The Assassin positioned above does not retreat even a step, and Saber, trying to ascend the stairs, is unable to draw nearer and uselessly wastes time and spirit.
Problem: unnecessary word. Assassin is a proper noun, and doesn't need an article. If you want the 'the' it needs to be lowercase assassin. After the change, some rephrasing is needed to make the sentence work.
Solution: _Assassin,_ positioned above_,_ -or- The _assassin_ positioned above

Line: Is that contradiction because of Assassin's skill or the unfavorable position of attacking someone on higher grounds?
Problem: plural. Higher ground is typically not plural
Solution: on higher _ground_?

Line: It is only natural as the wind pressure released from Saber is extraordinary,
Not only Assassin, but even the large firm trees of the forest are shaking and creaking.
Problem: punctuation/capitalization. Comma should be a period.
Solution: from Saber is extraordinary_._ Not only

6th Day: Return home-Contract "Boy meets Girl(I)"
Line: "---Who's there!?" I look toward the trees in the mountain off the stairs.
Problem: awkward, missing phrase.
Suggest: off _to the side of_ the stairs

Line: Well, that idiot hiding in the trees is a different story. If it is someone I do not take a liking to, I will not let them through on my life nor would I let them retreat alive.
Problem: verb tenses should match. Either use both future or both conditional
Solution: I _would_ not let them through on my life nor would I -or- I will not let them through on my life nor _will_ I let them retreat alive.

(back at home)
Line: It seems she tried to use large amount of magical energy at once and her body shut off.
Problem: missing word
Solution: to use _a_ large amount

Line: It seems that you dislike battles, but do you really expect to survive the Holy Grail war like that?
Problem: Consistency- Holy Grail war was always completely capitalized
Solution:Holy Grail _War_

7th Day: Awakening-Morning "Superhero and the usual breakfast"
Line: As proof, I am in a shameful situation of Saber having to wake me up----
Problem: wrong article. A specific situation is referred to, thus the definite article is required.
Solution: I am in _the_ shameful

Line: "It seems Sakura and Rin were arguing earlier."
"Sakura and Rin arguing...?"
Problem: the voiced segment has Shirou saying "Sakura to Tohsaka", calling her by her last name. This makes more sense as Shirou consistently calls Rin by her last name.
Solution: "Sakura and _Tohsaka_ arguing...?"

(discussing Ayako)
Line: "Should I tell you something interesting too?"
"...? What? There isn't much that's more interesting then what I just heard."
Problem: wrong word. Want the comparator not the time marker
Solution: more interesting _than_ what

(blackmailed!)
Line: ...Sigh. Geez, what are you thinking of a Japanese morning? You're a tyrant, changing breakfast to suit your own selfish tastes.
Problem: Geez line is very awkward/confusing
Suggest: what do you think a Japanese morning is? -or- what do you think about Japanese mornings?
the best I can offer, as I'm really not sure _what_ that sentence is supposed to mean.
Maybe just : Geez, what are you thinking? You're a tyrant,

Line: I too am happy for breakfast to be bread. It will be perfect if soft-boiled eggs are prepared as well.
Problem: wrong verb. Hopes or desires are expressed with the conditional
Solution: It _would_ be perfect

7th Day: Before noon: Training swordsmanship "Life Guard"
Line: Anyways, I was beaten up repeatedly It may be because my body got used to it or my power came out from anger, but I can now manage to block the first blow.
Problem: missing punctuation
Solution: beaten up repeatedly_._ It may be

Line: The answer is, I get knocked out the instant I shrink back. After that is like a mouse cornered by a cat.
If I am to be knocked out no matter how I block a blow, all I can do is get desperate and attack.
Problem: missing word
Solution: After that _it_ is like

Line: So then, I frantically went into defense. The instincts that tell me "I'll be knocked out if that blow hits" come at me in number.
Problem: awkward, agreement. Numbers, also, should be plural.
Solution: The instincts [...] come at me in _numbers_.

Line: From time to time, I would attack thinking it'll be best to attack if I'm doomed anyway.
Problem: verb tense. verbs should be conditional and not future
Solution: thinking _it'd_ be best to attack if I'm doomed anyway

Line: Before I realize, Saber is right beside me.
Problem: missing word
Solution: Before I realize _it_, Saber is right beside me.

7th Day: Conversation with Saber "Saber-san angry"
Line: What is it, Shirou...? I get a feeling that you are looking at me with a lot of expectation.
Problem: particle. As it's referring to a specific feeling use the definite article.
Solution: I get _the_ feeling that

Line: ---I'm dead.
If this was a real battle, she would have certainly killed me by now.
Problem: subjunctive. Supposing something contrary to fact.
Solution: If this _were_ a real battle

Line: "----Calm down, let's calm down Saber. I contemplate my action. I think I know why you're mad too."
Problem: second sentence is awkward
Suggest: I've contemplated my actions. -or- I will contemplate my actions. (first is better in immediate context, but second seems to work better with what comes a couple paragraphs later)

Line: If there is a special move for you, it would be enough judgment to stop yourself from getting into a situation that requires for you to fight!
Problem: extra word
Solution: that _requires you_ to fight

[to be continued (the post ran over the size limit)]
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Balcerzak
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Unread postby Balcerzak » March 30th, 2008, 8:25 pm

[continued from previous]

7th Day: Noon "The daughter of winter-Ilya(I)"
Line: I don't think I've been to the shopping district in daytime on a weekday since I was running errands as a child.
Problem: missing word
Solution: district in _the_ daytime

Line: Because it's daytime, there are lots of housewives on their way home from shopping at the intersection.
Problem: confusing wording. Could be mistaken that the housewives were shopping at the intersection
Suggest: there are lots of housewives at the intersection, on their way home from shopping.

Line: "...Let's see, I don't have any physical features like you that I got from my parents. But I think I got a lot of things as good as that."
Ilya is delighted as if they were her matter.
Problem: The Ilya sentence is dreadful confusing, what is "they"? Shirou's good things? "were her matter" is also an awkward construction.
Suggest:Ilya is delighted as if _it concerned her_.

Line: I too tilt my head in confusion.
It seems like Ilya's words is slightly off, and we're not having a real conversation.
Problem: agreement. 'Words' is the subject and is plural, so too should the verb be.
Solution: Ilya's words _are_ slightly off


7th Day: After Dinner "Lectures on magic by Tohsaka-Sensei: What a Magic Crest is."
Line: "Magic bullets are magic bullets. It's a bullet filled with ."
Problem: missing word, presumably magic
Solution: filled with _magic_.


Line: "Why don't other magi do something so useful?"
Well, saying that, the only other magi I know is Kiritsugu.
Problem: agreement. If only one example is given it should be singular.
Solution: the only other _magus_ I know is

Line: "...Tohsaka. Haven't you realized that I don't have a Magic Crest?"
Problem: tense.
Solution: Tohsaka. _Hadn't_ you realized

Line: You can actually call anything that can activate magic as 'magical energy'.
Problem: awkward/extra word
Solution: You can actually _refer to_ anything that can can activate magic as 'magical energy'. -or- You can actually call anything that can activate _magic 'magical_ energy'.

Line: This is because the magical energy used comes from not the caster but from somewhere else, so the caster needs to only perform the ritual.
Problem: word reversals/ badly split infinitive
Solution: magical energy used comes _not from_ the caster
Solution: the caster _only needs to_ perform -or- the caster needs _only to_ perform

Line: The Magic Circuit is trained over many generations, passed on to the descendants, becoming more powerful.
Problem: comma splice, needs conjunction
Solution: over many generations, and passed on

Line: Well, I think I know a bit about Saber training with her all today.
Problem: tense, clarity
Solution:about Saber_, having trained_ with her

7th Day: Late night-Bedtime "Differing person"
Line: "...You should have realized already too.
Look, your methods will not allow you to reverse a sad event or a miserable death."
Problem: missing word
Solution: should have realized _it_ already too.

8th Day: Morning-Training swordsmanship "Life guard & safe"
Line: But then, the risk I took averting my gaze and the risk you took coming at me with your life does not even need to be scaled.
Problem: agreement. The subject is compound: the risk I took and the risk you took, therefore it can be treated as "the risks does not even need to be", at which point the solution is clear.
Solution: your life _do_ not even

Line: But it's better than doing nothing, and since I don't have anything, I'll be no use unless I train this one aspect.
Problem: missing word
Solution: I'll be _of_ no use unless

8th Day: Conversation with Saber "Hero apocalypse story"
Line: Though one might misunderstand from the name Saber, but she might have been a normal girl who didn't even use a sword.
Problem: extra word
Solution: _One_ might misunderstand from the name Saber, but she might have -or- Though one might misunderstand from the name Saber_, she_ might have

Line: Whoa, so you always had such a tense personality? ...That's terrible. I sympathize the people who were around you.
Problem: missing word
Solution: I sympathize _with_ the people

Line: As I say, protecting you is what I must do.
Problem: tense. Needs past.
Solution: As I _said_,

8th Day: Noon "Shopping District"
Line: Before I realize, it's noon.
Problem: missing word
Solution: Before I realize _it_, it's noon.

8th Day: Lunch "Daughter of winter-Ilya(II)"
Line: ...Idiot. You don't like the cold, right? If you want to see me, come to my place---no, that's bad. If you met Saber, it'll just turn into a fight.
Problem: wrong tense. Conditional needed (if you met is past tense).
Solution: If you met Saber, _it'd_ just turn into a fight

Line: No, I can't do that. I can't come and see you myself. Yesterday's was a one-time only cheat.
Problem: awkward. Yesterday's what? Eliminate the possessive
Solution: _Yesterday_ was a

Line: "Wha----w-w-what are you saying!? Do you know what it means to tell me to be a Servant...!?"
"...No, first of all, I can't substitute for Berserker!
"I'm saying you should stop fighting."
Problem: middle line wasn't seem to be voiced, and the odd quotation mark usage leads me to believe it's supposed to be an internal thought.
Solution: ["]Do you know what it means to tell me to be a Servant...!?" _... No,_ first of all

Line: Though I ran after her, I can't find her anywhere.
Problem: tense matching. Ran is past, can't is present. They need to match.
Solution: Though I ran after her, I _couldn't_ find -or- Though I _run_ after her, I can't find

8th Day: Afternoon "Issei's get well visit-Types of smiles"
Line: The training that should continue until Tohsaka or Fuji-Nee get home is...
...Interrupted by a doorbell to let me know a visitor is here.
Problem: agreement. 'Tohsaka or Fuji-Nee' is a compound subject that is singular, the verb needs to be singular too in this case.
Solution: or Fuji-Nee _gets_ home is

Line: "It's a get-well gift. When the person who usually never get sick is absent from school, I should at least bring something."
Problem: agreement. 'Person' is singular, so to should be the verb 'to get'
Solution: usually never _gets_ sick

Line: "...It is not someone I've seen before. Why is such a woman at your house?
Issei stares rudely at Saber.
Problem: close the quote
Solution: Why is such a woman at your house?_"_ Issei stares rudely

Line: I hear he loved traveling. I am sure he would have the chance to meet someone like you.
Problem: tense. Kiritsugu is long dead, this is distant past to past perfect is needed not present perfect.
Solution: he would have _had_ the chance

8th Day: Night "Bare-knuckle Rin"
Line: "Have you punched someone?"
"Correct. I gave that annoying Shinji some knuckles.
Tohsaka snorts and passes by me.
Problem: close the quote
Solution: some knuckles._"_ Tohsaka snorts

(after dinner)
Line: ...And I'll also be skipping school from tomorrow. So come to my place in the afternoon.
Problem: missing word
Solution: from tomorrow _on_. So come to

8th Day: Night "Tohsaka Sensei's lecture on magic-Switch"
Problem: consistency- hyphen
Solution: "Tohsaka_-_Sensei's lecture on

Line: As Tohsaka says, is seems the situation won't get any worse if I calm myself down.
Problem: wrong word
Solution: Tohsaka says, _it_ seems the situation

Line: As you've trained the wrong way for a long time, your switch is closed. If that's the case, all we can do is to open it by force and tell your body know that there is a switch.
Problem: awkward, wrong word/extra word. 'tell your body know that' just doesn't work.
Solution: open it by force and _let_ your body know that -or- open it by force and tell your _body that_ there


Line: You shouldn't be able to control your magical energy right now, but you'll be no use if you don't get used to that condition
Problem: slight awkward
Solution: but you'll be _of_ no use -or- but you'll be _useless_ if you

Line: You know about strengthening and transformation, right? Then I would think you'd naturally know what projection is.
Well, in short, its magic that reproduces something.
Its not magic that elaborates on something that's already there.
Problem: wrong it. Need contraction not possession
Solution: in short, _it's_ magic that
Solution: _It's_ not magic that

(shed)
Line: I don't know why.
But if feels like Archer's words naturally pass into me.
Problem: typo
Solution: But _it_ feels like

9th Day: Awakening-Breakfast "Infringed table"
Line: You have awaken, Shirou. I do not mind you escaping out of your room, but it is slovenly for you to sleep here.
Problem: wrong tense. Awaken needs to be in past participle form to use the present perfect tense (which you should).
Solution: have _awakened_, Shirou.

Line: "Rin's training last night must have tired you quite a lot."
Saber analyses the situation calmly.
Problem: misspelling
Solution: Saber _analyzes_ the situation

Line: Sorry for making you waking me up, but could you go back first? I'll change and head to the kitchen too.
Problem: verb tense.
Solution: for making you _wake_ me up

9th Day: Sequel "Works"
Line: Their conversation can be heard.
Without realizing, I'm eavesdropping on them.
Problem: clarity
Solution: Without realizing _it_, I'm

9th Day: Afternoon "Blood Temple-VS Rider(I)"
(at school)
Line: There must be individual differences, as the most weakened students are starting to have their skins melt away.
Problem: plural use. A person only has one skin.
Solution: have their _skin_ melt away

Line: I had trouble getting the right timing, you know? You'd run away if I do it too early, and we'd have met up if I did it too late.
Problem: verb tense consistency. Need both halves of the sentence to match.
Solution: You'd _have_ run away if I _did_ it too early, and we'd have met up

Line: "Talk? That starts now. I have to show Tohsaka which one of us is superior, and I also have to apologize for lying to you. See I didn't tell you, but I'm the one that set up the boundary field at school."
Problem: spacing. This seems to be the only place where two spaces are used after a period.
Solution: lying to you_. See_ I didn't

VS Rider(I) "Sparks"
Line: I stop. I don't know where it came out from, but in front of me...
Problem: extra word
Solution: where it _came from_, but

VS Rider(I) "Fall down, your mind"
Line: The dagger stabs me in my shoulders, right below my collarbone.
Problem: incorrect plural. A dagger can only stab one shoulder at a time.
Solution: stabs me in my _shoulder_, right below

Line: The school building is throbbing as if it's a stomach of a living thing.
Problem: article. Most living things are referred to as only having one stomach (even if they in fact have more), which make the definite article the better choice.
Solution: as if it's _the_ stomach

VS Rider(I) "Crazy Train"
Line: "...!? Release her magical energy...!?"
Looking, Rider certainly seems strange.
Like the way she appeared here instantly when she was confronting Saber, and the chill she's releasing... Her pressure is much stronger now.
Problem: clarification
Solution: Looking _at her_, Rider

9th Day: Night "Boy meets Girl(II)"
(dojo)
Line: I don't understand the situation too well, but it seems that's the third set of clothes for Saber.
Problem: factual discrepancy? Shouldn't it be second set? When else did Saber destroy her clothes

10th Day: Awakening-Morning "Strategy meeting"
Line: After breakfast. Tohsaka reacts as soon as I declare that I can't let Shinji go[pagebreak]
"Huh...? You mean a chance of winning against Shinji...?"
Problem: punctuation
Solution: I can't let Shinji go_._

Line: "There should be no problem if I am only to fight against Rider. I have already gauged her ability,
I believe Shirou knows as well. He has actually faced Rider himself after all."
Problem: punctuation
Solution: already gauged her ability_._ I believe


Line: Servant's weapons are in spirit form like them, so they should be able to hurt them.
Problem: plural. This is referring to all weapons of all the Servants
Solution: _Servants'_ weapons are

Line: We don't know what Rider's Noble Phantasm is, and to add, it is too powerful.
Problem: awkward
Solution: is, and _additionally_, it is

Line: So whatever the Noble Phantasms of the other Servants, we cannot compete in Noble Phantasms against Rider.
Problem: missing word
Solution: whatever the Noble Phantasms of the other Servants _are_, we cannot

10th Day: Afternoon-Memories of ten years ago "Portrait"
(park)
Line: ...Ridiculous. No matter how deep the breaths I take, I can't catch my breath.
Problem: missing word/wrong phrase
Solution: how deep the breaths I take _are_, I can't -or- how deep _of_ breaths I take

Line: Saber is sitting so close to me that I could touch her shoulder if I lean over a bit.
Problem: tense
Solution: if I _leaned_ over

Line: I don't know what kind of a guy would be able to calm down with her next to you.
Problem: pronoun matching. The subject is 'guy', so the pronoun should be 'him'.
Solution: calm down with her next to _him_.

Line: Whoa, its night already...!? Was I asleep, Saber!?
Problem: wrong it. Contraction not possession
Solution: Whoa, _it's_ night already...!?

Line: "Since you are a victim of the Holy Grail War, you do not want another victim like you...?"
Problem: pronoun. Need a reflexive pronoun
Solution: like _yourself_...?

Line: I won't allow a disaster like the one ten years ago to repeat itself. I can't face the victims if that happens.
Problem: tense. Conditional
Solution: I _couldn't_ face the

Line: It can't be true, but---for some reason, I cannot rebut her words.
Problem: word choice. While essentially synonyms refute is used far more frequently.
Solution: cannot _refute_ her words

VS Rider(II) "Assault"
Line: In my sight is a large building, towering over as if to reach the heavens.
Problem: wrong word
Solution: towering _overhead_ as if

10th Day-Morning "Nutcracker doll"
Problem: consistency - should be colon
Solution: 10th Day_: _Morning

Line: There's no time for indecision. Gritting my teeth for my cowardice, I run to the building
Problem: preposition.
Solution: Gritting my teeth _at_ my cowardice

(next morning)
Line: Murderous intent seeps in into Ilya's gaze.
This is the same Ilya as the one that night, when she was a Master of Berserker.
Problem: article. Berserker only has one Master. Use the definite article.
Solution: she was _the_ Master

Line: My vision fades.
Sensation in my limbs are already gone, and now my vision is gone as well.
Problem: agreement. Sensation is singular, so too the verb.
Solution: Sensation in my limbs _is_ already gone

Tiger Dojo 6
Line: Liz- ...Leysritt. A friend of Ilya. I'm her substitute today.
Problem: possessive needed.
Solution: A friend of _Ilya's_. I'm her

Line: VS Rider(II) "Death Circus"
(interlude)
Line: If there is anyone watching them from the ground, they would think it looks like pinball.
Problem: sub. Supposes something contrary to fact
Solution: If there _were_ anyone watching them

Line: But then, they cannot be perceived with the naked eye.
Problem: missing word.
Solution: But then _again_, they cannot

Line: That is why she is luring her enemy somewhere where nothing will interrupt them as she is determined to settle this match with her strongest blow.
Problem: needs comma
Solution: where nothing will interrupt them_,_ as she is determined

(interlude out)
Line: Running around the building and up the stairs has run me out of breath.
But I don't slow down, but I rather speed up.
Problem: extra word/awkward
Solution: But I don't slow down, _rather I_ speed up.

VS Rider(II) "Sword of Promised Victory"
Line: There is no wall to run up, and even if there was one, no one would be able to catch that Pegasus.
Problem: subj. Supposing something contrary to fact.
Solution: even if there _were_ one,

Line: In the inferior position, Saber awaits a chance to counter.
Problem: word choice
Solution: In _that_ inferior position

Consistency: here dragons are referred to as a fantastic race, but earlier (cannot recall exactly where) fantasia was used

Line: "I feel the same way. Here, there is no need to worry about destroying the earth-----!"
Problem: unneeded comma
Solution: _Here there_ is no need

Line: Her sword was not invisible.
It merely did not allow others to see it
A golden sword that captivates all who see it, and its all-too-famous true name.
Problem: punctuation
Solution: allow others to see it_._ A golden sword


10th Day: Night "Remains of Tragedy"
Line: So he runs through the darkness.
That light will come if he stops.
He will vanish without trace if he turns around.
There's no time to pause.
Problem: missing word
Solution: vanish without _a_ trace

10th Day: Bedtime "Reparation for victory"
Line:...That's impossible. Saber won't do that. She said herself she wouldn't do such a thing.
Problem: missing word
Solution: said herself _that_ she wouldn't

11th Day: Awakening-Outside "The king's memories-Follow through"
Line: But the knight did not even have to wish for such a thing as the girl trained day after day to become stronger than anyone.
Problem: needs comma
Solution: for such a thing_,_ as the girl

Line: The magus said...
That she would no longer be human once she took a hold of the sword.
Problem: wrong word.
Solution: took _ahold_ of

Line: Her breathing is calm now and there's no sign she was gasping in pain.
Problem: tense agreement/awkward.
Solution: no sign she _is_ gasping in pain -or- no sign _of her_ gasping in pain -or- there's no sign _that_ she was gasping in pain

Line: "------There is a concept called 'follow-through'."
(a few lines of unimportant stuff)
"Just listen. They say the body stays there naturally after you shoot a bow. I heard that you call it follow through."
Problem: consistency with respect to the hyphen?
Solution: All 'follow-through' or all 'follow through'

Line: She will disappear in time if she fights without magical energy supply.
Problem: missing word
Solution: without _a_ magical energy supply

Line: I have two Command Spells left. If I use it, I can force Saber to follow my command.
Problem: wording
Solution: If I use _one_, I can force

11th Day: Morning in the park "Charming white eyes-Ilya(III)"
Problem: factual error? Ilya's eyes are red, not white

Line: I don't know how long I remained slumped in this bench.
Problem: preposition
Solution: slumped _on_ this bench

Line: ----In that case, at least imagine it.
If it is an opponent you cannot match in real life, beat it in your imagination.
If you cannot beat it yourself, imagine something that you could beat it with.
Problem: needs to close flashback-quote lines
Solution: beat it with.----

Line: A golden sword. It's a sword for her alone. I don't want it for myself.
It's just beautiful. I just wanted to hold it in my hands, if it's permitted.
Problem: tense. The whole paragraph is in present tense except for the end
Solution: I just _want_ to

Line: ...Oh, the basic form of when I use the strengthening magic isn't enough as I thought.
Problem: preposition, comma
Solution: the basic form _from_ when I use strengthening magic isn't enough_,_ as I thought

Line: Is my blood circulating badly? I feel like I'll fall asleep again if I let my guard down.
Problem: word choice
Solution: circulating _poorly_?

11th Day: Einzbern Castle "Heaven's Dress"
Line: What? You don't feel well, your body's heavy, and you can help feeling uneasy?
Problem: word missing
Solution: and you _can't_ help feeling

11th Day: Einzbern Castle "Stuffed animal room murder case"
Line: Either way, that someone must be shocked and bewildered at the disappeared prisoner and must be looking at the empty chair with blank amazement.
Problem: word choice. Disappeared sounds wrong somehow.
Solution: at the _vanished_ prisoner

11th Day: Einzbern Castle lobby "A distant back"
Line: I came prepared when I realized this was Einzbern's base, but it'll be great if we don't have to meet them.
Problem: tense. Should use the conditional
Solution: but _it'd_ be great

Line: Sorry, I'm going back on that. It's bad to hide it, and its not something we could keep from him anyway.
Problem: wrong it. Contraction not possession.
Solution: and _it's_ not something

Line: ...I'm in no position to criticize Tohsaka.
The root of all this is me getting captured.
Tohsaka and Saber just did what they thought was right.
Problem: tense. He was captured in the past, so the root is in the past.
Solution: The root of all this _was_ me getting captured.

Line: Even though my magical energy is depleted, I can fight better than you, Shirou. For me, you seem to be the one about to disappear.
Problem: preposition
Solution: _To me_, you seem

(lobby)
Line: ...I think to myself that this place really a castle. And the instant I start to walk...
Problem: missing word
Solution: place really _is_ a castle

11th Day: Escape from Einzbern Castle "Elopement"
Line: The position she is in right now must be embarrassing for a knight, but now isn't a time to worry about appearances.
Problem: article/idiom
Solution: now isn't _the_ time

Line: I just make myself believe that something will be possible if I get home and keep running----
Problem: needs comma. Helps separate so that 'if I get home and keep running' doesn't sound like one action. There are two actions here 'I make myself believe' and 'I keep running'
Solution: if I get home_,_ and keep running

Line: Saber won't last long. I vaguely knew that she won't be able to make it until morning like this.
Problem: tense. Past tense takes the conditional not the future.
Solution: that she _wouldn't_ be able to

11th Day: Ruins in the forest "Boy meets girl & girl"
Line: "There is one more method other than the sharing magic to give magical energy to your Servant.
Back then... well, I didn't say anything because I didn't think it would end like this."
Problem: missing word
Solution: than the sharing _of_ magic to give

Line: She stares at me for a while, and then tells me its simple.
Problem: wrong it. Contraction not possession
Solution: tells me _it's_ simple

Line: Even though I have my eyes closed, I want Saber to stay, proved by my choice of not running away.
Problem: awkward, tense issue.
Solution: I want Saber to stay, _as proven_ by my choice

Line: Tohsaka looks at Saber and my red face, and laughs.
Problem: plural
Solution: red _faces_, and

Line: I just can't stand it any longer. I want to touch Saber. I want feel her white skin and hear her voice by my ear, like Tohsaka did.
Problem: missing word
Solution: I want _to_ feel her white skin

Line: I only inserted the tip, but its so wet and hot inside Saber that it feels like she's wrapped around me like ivy.
Problem: wrong it. Contraction not possession
Solution: but _it's_ so wet

Line: Perhaps its resisting a foreign object within her, but the soft walls are now tightly embracing my penis.
Problem: wrong it. Contraction not possession
Solution: Perhaps _it's_ resisting

Consistency: inches or centimeters. Pick one.

Line: "Really...? Then I'll help as well. Shirou seems to be reaching his limits and it so wet here too, Saber. ...It'll get dirty unless I lick it clean."
Problem: missing word
Solution: and it _is_ so wet here

Line: Saber tries to get away. But Tohsaka's caresses stops her.
Problem: agreement. 'Caresses' is plural but 'stops' is singular, they need to match.
Solution: Tohsaka's caresses _stop_ her -or- Tohsaka's _caress_ stops her

Line: I can't hear her. I don't have the any composure left to listen to her.
Problem: extra word
Solution: I don't have _the composure_ left -or- I don't _have any_ composure left


Intermission: Archer and Berserker "11th Day: Dawn in the ruins"
Line: The space has been completely destroyed leaving no trace of its former beauty.
Problem: needs comma
Solution: The space has been completely destroyed_,_ leaving no trace

Line: Second, there is a mark of a cut on his neck.
Problem: article. A specific mark is being referred to here.
Solution: there is _the_ mark of a cut

Consistency: How is "Holy sword" capitalized elsewhere?

Line: No matter where her prey is hiding, it should be no problem for her to find them.
Problem: agreement. Since 'them' is plural, it's pretty clear that 'prey' is as well, and so should the verb be.
Solution: where her prey _are_ hiding

Line: As her target, they only have a few minutes of life remaining.
Problem: agreement. 'They' is plural, so 'target' should be too,
Solution: As her _targets_, they

(intermission over)
Line: ----I guess such worries are only on my part.
Problem: tense. Context had him worried about how to relate to Saber, but then seeing Saber acting normal, he realizes (erroneously) that it was just him. This leads me to feel past tense is more appropriate
Solution: such worries _were_ only on my part

Line: "...Don't tell me you're going to be one doing the surprise attack."
Problem: missing words
Solution: Don't tell me _that_ you're going to be _the_ one doing the surprise attack.

Line: Even if I do use it, it will not be full force, so I do not think it will be able to defeat Berserker.
Problem: tense. Conditional
Solution: I do not think it _would_ be able to defeat

VS Berserker "Replay of the legend"
Line: But still, they betted on the chance of a lifetime.
Problem: tense. 'Betted' isn't a word. The past tense of 'bet' is 'bet'.
Solution: they _bet_ on the chance

VS Berserker "Twelve Labors"
Line: What lies ahead is
that inescapable figure of her, miserably crushed
Problem: punctuation
Solution: miserably crushed_._

12th Day: Awakening-Morning "The king's memories-Saber acting strange"
Line: The remains of battle with which she is well-accustomed to.
Problem: extra word/awkward (too many prepositions).
Solution: The remains of _battle, which_ she is well-accustomed to. -or- The remains of battle_,_ with which she is well-accustomed_._

Line: If she didn't notice it, someone else around her had to tell her, or she'll keep making the same mistake forever.
Problem: tense agreement. The past takes conditional not future.
Solution: had to tell her, or _she'd_ keep making

Line: I don't know if Saber hid it or the people around her hid it, but it certainly wasn't convenient for a girl to be a king in the medieval times. Of course they'll treat her as a man.
Problem: verb tense. The past takes conditional not future
Solution: Of course _they'd_ treat her

12th Day: Breakfast preparation-Emiya household meeting "Struggle for hamburg steak- Saber, Rin, Ilya: A great morning battle"
Line: She's looking around the living room curiously, but it seems like Tohsaka and Saber are none of her concern. She probably won't listen even if they talked to her.
Problem: tense. Conditional
Solution: probably _wouldn't_ listen

12th Day: Morning-noon "Training swordsmanship-Saber still acting strangely"
Line: Saber catches the shinai awkwardly and takes an exaggerated deep breath.
Problem: need adverb. 'Exaggerated' modifies 'deep' which is an adjective modifying 'breath'. Only adverbs can modify adjectives.
Solution: takes an _exaggeratedly_ deep breath

Line: "I see. But is that really from your skill?
"You lost your balance lots of times, but it seemed like Saber was overlooking it on purpose..."
Problem: Consider eliminating the second opening quote
Solution: from your skill?_ You_ lost your

Line: The clock says its a bit before twelve.
Problem: wrong it. Contraction not possession
Solution: says _it's_ a bit before

Lunchtime "Brave leader hungry-heart"
Line: But Saber can only create enough magical energy to keep her alive.
Problem: wrong pronoun. Need reflexive.
Solution: to keep _herself_ alive

(fake Tiger Dojo)
Line: Taiga--...This kid has a messed up sense of esthetics...
Problem: misspelling
Solution: sense of _aesthetics_...

Line: Taiga--Now, choose whether if you will become one of us, the Tigers, by your own will, or if you will choose brainwashing and become a machine!
Problem: extra word. 'whether if' is redundant.
Solution: choose _whether you_ will become

12th Day: Afternoon "Tohsaka Sensei's lecture on magic-Permit"
Problem: consistency hypen
Solution: "Tohsaka_-_Sensei's lecture

Line: Hey. If you say that to another magus, they would kill you for sure.
Problem: wrong tense. 'say' must match 'would'
Solution: If you _said_ that

Line: I've never heard of a Faker who can do such a thing.
Problem: wrong tense. Conditional
Solution: never heard of a Faker who _could_ do such

Line: "I'll explain since you seem to be misunderstanding. What you did was a 'projection' magic.
"It's an incomplete magic that reproduces images of existing artwork or weapons using your own magical energy.
Problem: extra opening quote
Solution:magic._ It's_ an

Line: Considering her, I'm sure its something uppity like fire or wind, but I wasnt to ask and I'm curious.
Problem: wrong it. Contraction not possession
Solution: I'm sure _it's_ something

Line: It's good you succeeded that time, but it wouldn't have been strange if you died right then.
Problem: tense. Past perfect is better, as it follows the earlier present perfect.
Solution: if you _had_ died

12th Day: Rin's guest room "Saber(II)"
Line: Well, I think she was just in a bad mood since Ilya is here, but even now, she just sits there all quiet and when I ask her what's wrong, she just tells me she had a dream and leaves.
Problem: tense issues. Need either all past, or all present.
Solution: I _thought_ she was just -or- I think she _is_ just

Line: It seems that even though the weather should be warm, it's a bit screwed up the past few days.
Problem: tense. Present perfect gives enough connection to the past
Solution: it's _been_ a bit


13th Day: Awakening "The king's memories"
Line: She worked so hard, but nobody knew about it. That pisses me off.
That's just too unfair on her----
Problem: preposition
Solution: too unfair _to_ her

13th Day: Breakfast "Sweets"
Line: That's why it's even harder to look at her now. If I do, the image of that hill pops in my head.
Problem: preposition
Solution: pops _into_ my head

13th Day: Training Swordsmanship-Lunchtime "Saber(IV)"
Line: It's not just Saber as Ilya trusts Saber more than she did yesterday.
Problem: need comma
Solution: It's not just Saber_,_ as Ilya

13th Day: Afternoon "Tohsaka Sensei's misunderstanding-Saber's contradiction"
Problem: consistency hyphen
Solution: Tohsaka_-_Sensei

Line: Excalibur is a perfect Noble Phantasm, both in offence and in defense.
Problem: spelling
Solution: in _offense_ and in defense.

Line: "S-shut up! I just lost myself thinking she'd be invincible if that was the case.
Even I make mistakes once in a while.
Problem: need close quote
Solution: once in a while._"_

13th Day: Night, about the use of the Holy Grail "Saber(V)-VS Caster"
Problem: Consistency?
Suggest: Night_-_About the use of the Holy Grail

Line: "Eh?" "Huh?" "Hm?"
They all give same response with different expressions.
Problem: missing word
Solution: give _the_ same response

(intrusion)
Line: It's hasn't even been a minute yet since the lights went out, but the living room is surrounded by this unknown sound.
Problem: no contraction needed/extra word
Solution: _It_ hasn't even been

VS Caster "Melee"
Line: The bones move in with loose movements and all attack in the same ways.
Problem: plural unnecessary
Solution: the same _way_.

VS Caster "Premonition"
Line: Saber should be able to close in on Caster under one breath and slash Caster away.
Problem: missing word
Solution: close in on Caster _in_ under one

Line: This isn't the hopeless premonition of death like Berserker.
Problem: missing word
Solution: like _with_ Berserker

VS Caster "The eight Servant"
Line: But Saber detests this blade, and Caster swings it as if this is her chance of victory.
Problem: preposition
Solution: her chance _for_ victory

Line: Saber lowers her sword.
I think I heard Caster laugh amidst the surrounding sounds of bones.
Problem: tense. Both should be present tense.
Solution: I think I _hear_ Caster laugh

Line: The robe is pierced by lances. As the robe is blown away, more lancespierce it.
Problem: need space
Solution: more lances_ _pierce it


13th Day: Night: Meeting "The golden knight-The truth about ten years ago"
Line: "No, I have no intention of staying here. I will return to my original time once I obtain the Holy Grail,"
Problem: punctuation. Comma should be a period
Solution: Holy Grail_._"

Line: And you're going to redo the selection of king?
Problem: missing word
Solution: the selection of _the_ king

Line: ...To state simply, he was a typical magus. He was only interested in his objectives and he eliminated everything in his way.
Problem: missing word
Solution: To state _it_ simply,

13th Day: Late Night-To the Church "You're my only star"
(heading to church)
Line: I thought about using the bicycle, but it'll be a problem if I wake them up by doing so.
Problem: tense. Past tense takes conditional not future
Solution: but _it'd_ be a

(at church)
Line: She can't exist without magical energy from her Master, and even if stays in this world like that, she returns to that hill after she dies.
Problem: missing word
Solution: even if _she_ stays in this

13th Day: Late night: Rin's guest room "Girl's yell"
Line: ...That was a real surprise attack. If she says that kind of a thing with that kind of a expression, all I can do is nod----
Problem: agreement. 'Expression' starts with a vowel, so it should be 'an'.
Solution: that kind of _an_ expression

14th Day: Morning-Date "Hurry go round"
Line: Today is my date with Saber no matter what she says.
Problem: needs comma
Solution: my date with Saber_,_ no matter what

Line: Nope, she's still asleep. It looks like it'll take her a bit longer to wake up, but I guess that's good luck today.
If she was awake, she'd be following Shirou around and bothering him.
Problem: subj. Supposing something contrary to fact.
Solution: If she _were_ awake

Line: There're already many more people than the Miyama City, and this place is as crowded as it is on weekends.
Problem: awkward wording
Suggestion: _There are_ already many more people than _there were at_ Miyama City

14th Day: Return home "Parting at the bridge"
Line: It's not like there was any memorable moments nor was it so boring that I regret doing it.
Problem: agreement. 'Moments' is the subject so should take a plural verb
Solution: not like there _were_ any memorable moments

Line: It would be too sad if all the time Saber and I had were spent fighting.
Problem: agreement. 'Time' is the subject and is singular.
Solution: had _was_ spent

Line: But, for a moment. I think I saw Saber standing there absent-mindedly.
Problem: tense. 'Think' and 'saw' need to be the same tense.
Solution: I _thought_ I saw -or- I think I _see_

Line: I grit my teeth hard and stop myself yelling out.
Problem: missing word
Solution: stop myself _from_ yelling

Line: I slowly calm down. I take deep a breath and let it out.
Problem: word order mix-up
Solution: I take _a deep_ breath

14th Day: Night-To town "Last boy meets girl"
Line: That tells me what the situation in an instant.
Problem: missing word
Solution: what the situation _is_ in an instant

Line: Is she's saying she'll wander around without a place to return to?
Problem: no contraction necessary
Solution: Is _she_ saying

Encounter "Oldest king"
Line: That monster is in front of us. He's so close to us.
In a distance at which we could start fighting if we wanted to stand a "death" greater than Berserker.
Problem: awkward, preposition and word choice
Solution: _At_ a distance _with_ which we could start fighting if we wanted to _face_ a "death" greater than

(excalibur vs enuma elish)
Line: I manage to dig myself onto the ground with one hand and endure the waves of light and heat.
Problem: wrong preposition
Solution: dig myself _into_ the ground

Line: A crash. I hear something falling right besides me.
Problem: spelling. 'Beside' is used to describe placement, 'besides' means in addition to.
Solution: right _beside_ me

VS Gilgamesh "What I want to protect"
Line: The footstep stops. His laughter stops as well.
Problem: abnormal usage
Solution: The _footsteps stop_

Line: It is. But its strength as a Noble Phantasm is uncomparable.
What you have, 'the sword in the stone', originated from the legend of 'the sword of supremacy in the tree' from Northern Europe----But this is the original model, the foundation of the sacred right to select the king.
Problem: misspelling
Solution: as a Noble Phantasm is _incomparable_.

VS Gilgamesh "Wish"
Line: But Saber. This won't change even if I valued my life above all.
Problem: tense. Conditional
Solution: This _wouldn't_ change

Line: ----And then. Before I realize, there's something like a sword in my right hand.
Problem: missing word
Solution: Before I realize _it_,

14th Day: Night: My room "Temporary dream"
Line: Our eyes meet.
Rejecting words and responding body.
Problem: fragment, unclear meaning
Suggest: Rejecting words and responding _with our bodies_.

Line: I am not tasting Saber's soft lips nor am I pressing hard against it.
Problem: agreement. 'Lips' is plural, so too should be the pronoun.
Solution: hard against _them_.

Line: It is a beautiful kiss that does not arise excitement nor desire.
Problem: wrong word: transitive vs intransitive. 'Arise' doesn't take an object, it just is, 'arouse' does take an object.
Solution: does not _arouse_ excitement

Line: I said it straight in her face while blushing.
Problem: wrong preposition
Solution: straight _to_ her

Line: Then, I notice it's the sound of rustling of clothes.
Problem: awkward, too many 'of's in a row.
Solution: the sound of _clothes rustling_.

Line: What is before me is just too beautiful that my mind goes completely blank.
Problem: wrong word. 'Too ... that' is not a proper construction.
Solution: is just _so_ beautiful that -or- just too beautiful _and_ my

Line: I only fasten my hair during battle. I thought I will not need to do so right now.
Problem: tense. Conditional
Solution: I thought I _would_ not need

Line: Saber is just too beautiful that I have no idea how to start so that I can get her happy.
Problem: wrong word, see previously
Solution: is just _so_ beautiful that -or- just too beautiful _and_ I

Line: But you were in pain, you weren't the only one, I had my hands full restraining myself, and I had to act calm even after it so that I won't attack you, well, that's not true, but um----
Problem: wrong tense. Past tense takes conditional not future.
Solution: so that I _wouldn't_ attack

Line: Saber has reaches under my shaft to stroke my balls.
Problem: tense. Need the past participle to make the present perfect work.
Solution: has _reached_ under

Line: I don't know if she's tired, but her eyes are empty and it's not focusing on anything.
Problem: agreement. 'Eyes' is plural and takes a plural pronoun.
Solution: and _they're_ not focusing

Line: The taste of Saber and the smell of Saber captivates me.
Problem: agreement. Compound subject, taste and smell, is plural, needs a plural verb.
Solution: _captivate_ me.

Line: The pleasure through my penis and the fulfillment of being in Saber increases my pleasure.
Problem: agreement. Compound subject, pleasure and fulfillment, needs a plural verb.
Solution: _increase_ my

Line: The walls which used to only tighten around me now wraps itself on me to please me-----!
Problem: agreement. 'Walls' is plural, needs a plural verb, and plural pronoun.
Solution: now _wrap themselves_ on me

Line: Our meat makes a soppy sound.
Problem: agreement. They're not sharing a meat, it's referring to both of their meats collectively.
Solution: Our _meats make_


Line: "......Saber." I call out to the girl laying besides me.
Problem: word, see early besides/beside comment
Solution: laying _beside_ me

Line: Right when my body wants to take a rest and my eyes starts to close...
Problem: agreement. 'Eyes' are plural, need plural verb.
Solution: my eyes _start_ to close

Line: -----I fall asleep...
...Without knowing if we would be able to keep our hands connected even after everything is over...
Problem: tense. Present tense takes future tense.
Solution: if we _will_ be able to

15th Day: Awakening-To the church "Spiral ladder"
Line: I don't even need to think about it considering his personality and murderous intent he showed last night.
Problem: missing word
Solution: and _the_ murderous intent

Line: Kotomine won't be down there.
No one would be down there.
Problem: tense. Sentence need to agree, won't and will, or wouldn't and would.
Solution: No one _will_ be down there.

Line: I should never have entered this building or met that priest.
Problem: nor
Solution: building _nor_ met that priest

15th Day: Before Noon "Time limit"
Line: Lancer has not appeared since that night, and his Master is still unknown. I do not think he would stay quiet when there are only two of us left.
Problem: tense. Currently mixing present and conditional, either need past and conditional or present and future. I think past works better.
Solution: I _did_ not think he would

Line: But this man cannot be taken lightly. Kiritsugu targeted on this priest before any other enemy because he was an enemy who had to be defeated before anything else.
Problem: extra word
Solution: Kiritsugu _targeted this_ priest

Tiger Dojo 12
Line: Taiga--"Man of virtue avoid danger" is a good phrase, but you cannot reach the goal if you keep avoiding things.
Problem: agreement. Man is singular, but avoid is plural. Make them match.
Solution: "_Men of virtue avoid danger" -or- "_A man_ of virtue _avoids_ danger" (first choice is supported by the text if one chooses to avoid Rider in [6th Day: Return from the Matou household "Averting one's gaze"])

15th Day: Church underground "Price of survival, settlement with fate"
Line: The smell isn't momentary, but ongoing.
...It's not the smell of meat.
But its not gunpowder either.
Problem: wrong it. Contraction not possession
Solution: But _it's_ not gunpowder

Line: The slightly opened mouths take in the water, and it must have been like that for many years as the lips are swelled up and rotten, and the jaws are decomposing on some.
Problem: agreement. Swelled up is past tense, but rotten is a past participle adjective. Need to make them agree. Using both as ppl a sounds better to me.
Solution: lips are _swollen and rotten_

Line: The priest says inhuman things in a cheerful voice.
Does this man not feel anything faced with this?
Problem: missing word
Solution: anything _when_ faced with

Intermission "Saber, to the Church"
Line: But that makes the hindrance to go away.
There is no time to fight Lancer now.
Problem: extra word
Solution: makes the _hindrance go_ away.

15th Day: Church underground "Go along the cheek"
Line: No, more than that, if I could make that incident as it never happened so that no one would be hurt----
Problem: missing word
Solution: make that incident as _if_ it never

Line: "Return it return it return it return it" vs "Give it back Give it back Give it back" consistency check (are these different in the original?)

15th Day: Church underground "That which cannot be changed"
Line: A voice echoes through the dark.
As if answering his call, she accepts the Holy Grail in a daze.
Problem: word. 'Dark ' is an adjective, 'darkness' is a noun.
Solution: through the _darkness_.

[to be continued (post ran over the size limit)]
Last edited by Balcerzak on March 30th, 2008, 8:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Unread postby Balcerzak » March 30th, 2008, 8:26 pm

[continued from previous]

Lunchtime "Saber, blushing"
Line: Oh, then I should have made boxed lunch every day. If I did that, it would have been easier and there's no need to go to the kitchen.
Problem: clarity, tense. Need to clarify the number of lunches, also mixing the past and the present tenses is bad, use the perfect instead.
Solution: should have made _a_ boxed lunch -or- made boxed _lunches_ every
Solution: it would have been easier and _there would've been_ no need

Line: "L-let us just go to the living room! It will affect our later training if we do not eat lunch!"
"I'm telling you, I'm preparing for it. If you have time, can you go to the living room and pick up the boxed lunch I prepared this morning?"
Problem: tense. Shirou is not preparing it as he's talking, he's already prepared it.
Solution: I'm telling you, _I've prepared_ for it.

12th Day: Morning "Ilya sulking"
Line: "...No. You should go to the church.
That place is much safer than here."
At the least, I look straight into her eyes and tell her.
Problem: extra word
Solution: _At least_, I look

VS Berserker "Small resistance"
The giant does not block... no, he does not even take care about my attack.
Problem: word choice. 'Even take care' is clumsy.
Solution: he does not _even care_ about -or- does not even take _notice of_ my

12th Day: Breakfast preparation-Emiya household mee
ting
"Struggle for hamburg steak-Saber, Rin,
Ilya: A great morning battle"

Skip this scene? Yes/No
Problem: line break issue

VS Rider(I) "Summoning and rescue"
Line: In the space between the sky and the ground, in the sea of thought like time has stopped, I wish upon the Command Spell on my left hand.
Problem: clarity wants a comma, for offsetting the parenthetical phrase
Solution: in the sea of though_,_ like time has stopped,

8th Day: Afternoon "Funny lion"
"----Fuji-Nee, did you eat that apple?"
"Yeah, I did. It was sweet and sour and good."
"I see. Than it's your turn. Give me a gift for what you've eaten."
Problem: wrong then. Time indicator not comparator
Solution: _Then_ it's your


Line: I once took care of a lion cub and I was happy that the child was attached to me.
So since that time, I have had feelings for them.
Originally, I am more linked to dragons, but...
Problem: tense. This occurred in the past, so past tense.
Solution: Originally, I _was_ more linked

8th Day: Lunch "Last stand Saber"
Line: "Oh yeah. Saber, how about having a different kind of tea..."
I pop my face out the kitchen.
Problem: missing word
Solution: face out _of_ the

8th Day: Conversation with Saber "What to pour into the Grail"
Line: Since the only ones who can obtain the Holy Grail are the Masters, she is only helping me to take share the reward.
Problem: missing word
Solution: to take share _in_ the reward -or- to take _her_ share _of_ the reward

Curious: 7th and 8th day conversations with Saber are all the same stories, but display in a full set of permutations as new scenes (not giving the "skip" option). Are all these scenes stored in the same place, or different places. Depending on the answer the following few paragraphs may be irrelevant.

7th Day: Conversation with Saber "Hero apocalypse story"
Line: Though one might misunderstand from the name Saber, but she might have been a normal girl who didn't even use a sword.
Problem: see 8th Day Hero apocalypse
Solution: see 8th Day Hero apocalypse

Line: Whoa, so you always had such a tense personality? ...That's terrible. I sympathize the people who were around you.
Problem: see 8th Day Hero apocalypse
Solution: see 8th Day Hero apocalypse

Line: As I say, protecting you is what I must do.
Problem: see 8th Day Hero apocalypse
Solution: see 8th Day Hero apocalypse

8th Day: Conversation with Saber "Saber-san angry"
Line: What is it, Shirou...? I get a feeling that you are looking at me with a lot of expectation.
Problem: see 7th Day Saber-san angry
Solution: see 7th Day Saber-san angry

Line: ---I'm dead.
If this was a real battle, she would have certainly killed me by now.
Problem: see 7th Day Saber-san angry
Solution: see 7th Day Saber-san angry

Line: "----Calm down, let's calm down Saber. I contemplate my action. I think I know why you're mad too."
Problem: see 7th Day Saber-san angry
Suggest: see 7th Day Saber-san angry

Line: If there is a special move for you, it would be enough judgment to stop yourself from getting into a situation that requires for you to fight!
Problem: see 7th Day Saber-san angry
Solution: see 7th Day Saber-san angry

7th Day: Conversation with Saber "What to pour into the Grail"
Line: Since the only ones who can obtain the Holy Grail are the Masters, she is only helping me to take share the reward.
Problem: see 8th Day pour into Grail
Solution: see 8th Day pour into Grail

5th Day: Question "Unknown"
Line: "...You are right. It is certainly strange.
"Oh, it is probably because of our compatibility."
Problem: extra opening quote
Solution: strange_. Oh_, it is

5th Day: Question "Survivor"
Line: I have no intention of going out to fight someone who isn't attacking me, but it'll only end the conversation if I said that now.
Problem: tense. Conditional
Solution: but _it'd_ only end

Line: That red lance and runic protections around his body, and on top of that, his abilities specialized in survival.
Problem: missing word
Solution: red lance and _those_ runic protections -or- and _the_ runic

Line: ...I have thought it was the ability of the possessor rather than the power of the weapon, but it seems I was wrong.
Problem: tense. Saber clearly no longer thinks this, so the past perfect is a better tense.
Solution: I _had_ thought

5th Day: Lunchtime "Tohsaka Rin(IV)"
Line: Even though the winter in Fuyuki-city is warm, the coldness of the rooftop is unbearable.
Problem: consistency
Solution: in _Fuyuki City_ is

Line: I think it was bad for me to be late. Because of that, I brought you something, but you might not need it acting like that, huh?
Problem: awkward tense/phrasing. Mixing present and past is bad.
Solution: I _agree that it is_ bad for me to be late.

Line: Other Masters must have come from elsewhere, or a weirdo that got selected because they know a bit of magic.
Problem: missing word. Looking at just the last half makes it clear. "Other Masters must have a weirdo that got selected [...]" is clearly missing a verb.
Solution: or _been_ a weirdo

Line: It's like we're in a stomach of something alive.
Problem: wrong article, see early stomach comments
Solution: in _the_ stomach of

Curious: This scene has the same name, but different content depending on which of the immediately prior choices was selected. The only difference seems to be at the end in Shirou's room, if "ask true name" choice was selected Saber doesn't discuss not being able to confide in him there (as she already did earlier). However, the rest of the text is the same. Depending on if it's stored in the same or different places I've reproduced the previously mentioned errors here as well.

4th Day: Afternoon "Saber's Circumstances" (from "ask true name")
Line: I hear a sound of a something heavy falling at the door.
Problem: same as other Saber's Circumstances
Solution: same as other Saber's Circumstances

Line: "No, I mean about yourself...! Geez, if you don't understand, that's fine! If you say any more, I'll make you obey using my Command Spell...!
I breathe out hard and intimidate Saber.
Problem: same as other Saber's Circumstances
Solution: same as other Saber's Circumstances

(shirou's room)
Line: Since she was summoned like that, it'd be strange if there wasn't anything wrong with her.
Problem: same as other Saber's Circumstances
Solution: same as other Saber's Circumstances

Line: Yes. If I use up the magical energy I have, I would not be able to stay in this world.
Problem: same as other Saber's Circumstances
Solution: same as other Saber's Circumstances

Curious: This bulk of the Rin's question scenes are the same, but content is displayd in different order with some minor changes depending on which was selected. Depending on how the text is stored (whether in the same or different places) I've reproduced the previously mentioned errors here as well, in addition to any new ones.

4th Day: Rin's question "Understanding the current situation"
(about last night)
Line: The more I talk with her, the more I understand this is the real Tohsaka Rin, and that Tohsaka at school is just a mask she puts on.
Problem: Same as previous Rin's question
Solution: Same as previous Rin's question

Line: ...No, it's something I have realized already yesterday.
Problem: Same as previous Rin's question
Solution: Same as previous Rin's question

(about future plans)
Line: "Honestly, I don't know. You say I should fight for the Holy Grail, but I've never been in a fight between magi. First of all, I------
I want to try to avoid killing people, and most of all-----
Problem: Same as previous Rin's question
Solution: Same as previous Rin's question

Line: The Servants are answering the Master's call because they can obtain the Holy Grail.
Problem: Same as previous Rin's question
Solution: Same as previous Rin's question

4th Day: Rin's question "The serious stuff"
(about future plans)
Line: "Honestly, I don't know. You say I should fight for the Holy Grail, but I've never been in a fight between magi. First of all, I------
I want to try to avoid killing people, and most of all-----
Problem: Same as previous Rin's question
Solution: Same as previous Rin's question

Line: The Servants are answering the Master's call because they can obtain the Holy Grail.
Problem: Same as previous Rin's question
Solution: Same as previous Rin's question

(about last night)
Line: With an unpleasant sigh, Tohsaka starts to describe what happened yesterday
Problem: punctuation, need period
Solution: yesterday_._

Line: The more I talk with her, the more I understand this is the real Tohsaka Rin, and that Tohsaka at school is just a mask she puts on.
Problem: Same as previous Rin's question
Solution: Same as previous Rin's questionl

Line: ...No, it's something I have realized already yesterday.
Problem: Same as previous Rin's question
Solution: Same as previous Rin's question

1st Day: Night "Taking Sakura home, introductory chapter"
Line: ...I don't care about getting falsely accused myself, but it's not good if Shinji take it out on Sakura.
Problem: agreement. Shinji is singular, so the verb should be too.
Solution: if Shinji _takes_ it out

1st Day: After school "Expensive flower(Intended pun)"
Line: But I think you're going too far that it might eventually overwhelm you.
Problem: awkward. 'Too .. that' is not a proper construction, see comments in H-scene.
Solution: you're going _so_ far that it might -or- you're going too far _and_ that it might

1st Day: Breakfast preparation "Matou Sakura(I)"
Line: I'd feel bad letting my junior do all the work, and for Sakura coming here so early in the morning.
Problem: awkward
Suggest: I'd feel bad_, both for_ letting my

Line: It has all changed a year and a half ago into this cooperative kind of relationship.
Problem: See 1st Day: Dojo scenery
Solution: See 1st Day: Dojo scenery

4th Day Bedtime: Shed
Problem: consistency
Solution: 4th Day_:_ Bedtime_-_Shed

15th Day: Church "That which cannot be surrendered"
Line: That is the doubt of the girl Arturia before she became a king.
That mind...
The mind she has left behind on the day she drew the sword.
"-------"
Why did she not realize it before?
Problem: tense. The event is far in the past, past or past perfect is needed not present perfect.
Solution: The mind _she left_ behind -or- the mind she _had_ left behind

Line: I do not want outsiders to discover the true nature of the Holy Grail, so I had the Master leave at an early stage. But it would not be smart to eliminate the Servant as well.
I needed a piece to hasten the fighting, so I just borrowed Lancer's Master's rights as Master.
Problem: tense. Talking about the past, use a perfect tense.
Solution: But it would not _have been_ smart to

Line: This is the Servant Archer. He is a heroic spirit that was my partner in the last Holy Grail War.
Problem: article. Kirei only had one heroic spirit in the last war (I hope), so the definite article is the proper one.
Solution: is _the_ heroic spirit

Line: "What do you mean by that? Did you intend to let Saber go as well?"
"Of course. I have no intention to kill Saber. That thing is mine."
Problem: tense. Is discussing the past, (witnessed by Lancer's question using 'did') so use the past tense.
Solution: I _had_ no intention to

15th Day: Escape-Foreigner's cemetery "Shining star"
Problem: plural, see earlier foreigners' discussion
Solution: Foreigner_s'_ cemetery

Line: "Excuse me----this will hurt a bit, but please bear it."
Saber's finger run across my chest.
Problem: agreement. 'Finger' is singular, run is plural, make them match.
Solution: Saber's _fingers_ run across -or- Saber's finger _runs_ across

Line: King Arthur died in the battle of Camlan because that sheath was lost.
Problem: consistency check on Camlan (elsewhere has two 'n's)
Solution: the battle of _Camlann_

Line: "Since you are inexperienced as a magus and uneducated as a Master, you needed a connection that overcomes all those deficiencies.
"That was my sheath----the lost sheath of Excalibur."
Problem: tense, extra opening quote. Mixing past and present tenses. 'Needed' is past, 'overcomes' needs to be conditional, not present.
Solution: you needed a connection that _would overcome_ all those deficiencies_. That_ was

Line: That was before we made a contract, correct
The sheath is my Noble Phantasm.
Problem: missing punctuation.
Solution: correct_?_ The sheath

15th Day: Return home-Rin "Choice"
Line: There are many things to think about.
I have to rest for now and prepare myself for later tonight,[pagebreak]
At that instant, my mind stops.
Problem: punctuation, comma should be period
Solution: prepare myself for later tonight_._

15th Day: Night "Before the decisive battle"
Line: "You can activate it by yelling "laesst" and putting as much magical energy into it as you can."
Problem: quotes inside quotes should be single quotes (ignore my inability to type German characters for the moment)
Solution: by yelling _'_laesst_'_ and

15th Day: Decisive battle "Holy Grail completed"
Line: He smiles sarcastically and open his arms to welcome me.
...This is the site of our battle.
Problem: agreement. 'He' is a singular subject, the verb needs to match.
Solution: and _opens_ his arms

Line: I jump sideways.
"------"
This is the result of my instincts not wanting to die..
...Surpassing my desire to kill him.
Problem: missing word. The instincts aren't doing the wanting, the wanting is describing the instincts.
Solution: my instincts _of_ not wanting to

Line: The instant he speaks...
"Haa---ah, ha---!?"
Lots of mud come splashing toward me, telling me I cannot let myself stop.
Problem: agreement. Mud is singular, the verb must match.
Solution: mud _comes_ splashing

15th Day: Night: Shed "Trump unknown" (from strengthen Saber)
Line: I know how hard it is to put magical energy into humans, let alone someone other than me. But this is the only thing I can come up with right now.
Problem: reflexive pronoun needed
Solution: someone other than _myself_.

Line: ...There's less than ten percent chance of success.
Problem: missing word
Solution: less than _a_ ten percent

Fate "stay Night(I)"
Line: Ominous premonitions pick at my skin.
Problem: misspelling
Solution: premonitions _prick_ at my

(with Kotomine)
Line: He smiles sarcastically and open his arms to welcome me.
Problem: See "Holy Grail complete" dead end.
Solution: and _opens_ his arms

Line: I jump sideways.
This is the result of my instincts not wanting to die..
...Surpassing my desire to kill him.
Problem: See "Holy Grail complete" dead end.
Solution: my instincts _of_ not wanting to

(saber & gil)
Line: ...My master is still well alive. Shirou will not be defeated by that Master.
Problem: awkward/extra word. 'Still well alive' doesn't work.
Solution: still _alive and well_ -or- is _still alive_ -or- is still _very much_ alive

Line: ...Actually, there is a way.
There is is only one, but there is a way to defeat that golden knight.
Problem: extra word
Solution: There _is only_ one, but

(kotomine again)
Line: The instant he speaks...
"Haa---ah, ha---!?"
Lots of mud come splashing toward me, telling me I cannot let myself stop.
Problem: See "Holy Grail complete" dead end.
Solution: mud _comes_ splashing

Line: The pain and fear before death remains as magical energy and becomes the next curse to seek out living people.
Problem: agreement. Compound subject, pain and fear, takes a plural verb
Solution: The pain and fear before death _remain_ as magical energy and _become_

Fate "stay Night(II)"
Line: If she was conscious, she would have known it was the ultimate black light.
Problem: subj. Posits something contrary to fact.
Solution: If she _were_ conscious

Line: It is a magnificent cluster of magical energy and any magic should be possible with that amount. ...If it was Caster using it, nothing would be impossible.
Problem: subj. Posits something contrary to fact.
Solution: If it _were_ Caster

Line: Do not take me so low. How can I be a hero if I cannot swallow a curse such as this?
All evils of the world? Heh, bring at least three times as much as that if you want to stain me.
Problem: adverb needed, missing word. 'Low' describes take, so should be an adverb.
Solution: Do not take me so _lowly_.
Solution: All _the_ evils of the world?

Line: The greatest protection in this world.
The greatest that cannot be infringed by anybody, not even by the five sorceries.
Problem: agreement. Anybody refers to people not things.
Solution: by anybody, not even by the five _sorcerers_. -or- by _anything_, not even by the five sorceries.

Gold separation
Line: "----Saber. Please fulfill your role."
I say so with flood of emotions.
Problem: missing word
Solution: with _a_ flood of

(epilogue)
Line:Ilya said she wouldn't go back to her country, so I consulted Fuji-Nee if I could keep her at my place.
Problem: missing words
Solution: consulted Fuji-Nee _to see_ if I

Line: Fuji-Nee really objected, said her house is better, and ended up taking Ilya in.
Problem: tense. Mixing past and present. All past is better.
Solution: said her house _was_ better

Line: *Brrrrrr* Leaving the exhaust sound, Fuji-Nee disappears like a bullet.
Problem: awkward "exhaust sound" what does that even mean???
Suggest: *Brrrrrr* Leaving exhaust _and that_ sound, Fuji-Nee

Line: Since then, her tardiness decreased considerably, but she has received another nickname of Rocket Tiger... I mean, Rocket Diver that only she doesn't know about.
Problem: misspelling, missing word, parenthetical
Solution: but she has received another nickname_, that_ of Rocket Tiger... I mean, Rocket _Driver,_ that only she

Line: "----Oh.
That's the first time I've heard that. I see, that would certainly------
...Wait, hold on.
That's only if we do the same things around the same time.
Problem: need closing quote
Solution: that would certainly-----_"_

Line: Her excuse is plausible, so I stop my greeting here and resume our way to school.
Problem: missing word
Solution: and _we_ resume

Line: The streets and houses below me have all changed to show the coming of the spring.
Problem: extra word
Solution: the coming _of spring_.

Line: There are certainly things that were lost and would not return.
Problem: tense. 'There are certainly things that' is in present so despite things being described as 'were lost' (which is past) the tense should be future, not conditional
Solution: and _will_ not return

Line: I'll recall her for the rest of my life.
My memory would fade away someday, and I would forget about her voice and her gestures.
But still-----I'll remember forever that this thing occurred and that I loved Saber.
Problem: tense. First and last sentences use future tense, so too should the middle
Solution: My memory _will_ fade away someday, and I _will_ forget

Line: It's still 7:30.
It's too soon a time for a student not conducting any club activities, but I guess there's nothing bad about being early.
Problem: awkward
Suggest: It's too _early_ a time for a student not _involved in_ any club activities, but I guess there's nothing _wrong with_ being early.

Line: If I aim for the distance, there should come a day when I would be able to reach out to what I have been aiming for.
Problem: tense. Present matches to future, not conditional
Solution: when I _will_ be able

(saber)
[A lot of messy tense issues here, not sure if they're stylistic or accidental]

Line: The hill that is covered with corpses is filled with curses and cries out to try to take the survivors with them.
Problem: awkward, needs rephrasing. Breaking the conjunction apart you can see that "The hill [...] is filled with cries out to try to [...]? clearly doesn't work. Assuming that the cries are matched with the corpses, the following suggestion is the best I can manage at the moment.
Suggest: The hill is filled with curses and is covered with corpses that cry out to try to take the survivors with them.

Line: In it all, the knight runs panting.
Problem: idiom
Solution: _Through_ it all,

Line: He has entrusted his sword, struggled to be of power, and made his way to a personal guard of the king as a young man because it was this king.
Problem: tense, missing word. All of this is distant past, so past perfect is better than present perfect.
Solution: He _had_ entrusted his sword, struggled to be of power, and made his to _be_ a personal guard

Line: The king opens his eyes to the knight's word.
Problem: awkward phrasing
Solution: opens his eyes _at_ the knight's _words_.

Line: ...I see. Than you shall be proud. You have obeyed your king's command.
Problem: wrong then. Time marker not comparator
Solution: _Then_ you shall be

Line: The heavens is far and the clearing sky is blue.
Problem: agreement. 'Heavens' is plural, so the verb so be.
Solution: heavens _are_ far
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Balcerzak
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