F/sn Typo/Grammar Mistake Report [v2.0]

It's alright, we feel your pain. Noone wants to admit being gar for Berserker.

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Unread postby md » March 31st, 2008, 2:33 am

Withdrawn as an installer error.
Last edited by md on April 4th, 2008, 5:13 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Unread postby 1529op » April 2nd, 2008, 3:40 am

I've found 3 typos. All in Unlimited Blade Works
4th Day, Before Noon - Solo & Only

"----All right
"May I, Saber? It'll be the first time we sit down and talk----"
I made up my mind and talk to her.
-----And then.

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h314/ ... SNtypo.jpg
Extra quote on the second line.

6th Day, Matou household - People at the Matou household

I manage to make it back before dinner.
An angry saber awaited me at the entrance----and I told her what happened today, about how we eliminated the boundary field at school, and how Tohsaka is expecting a counterattack tomorrow.

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h314/ ... titled.jpg
Saber should be capitalized if its her name. If its talking about an actual sword, then forget it.

And finally during the first fight between Caster and Archer.
"I did say so. I'm stronger than anyone here. Saber and Berserker aside, you shouln't scratch me.

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h314/ ... itled2.jpg

Correct shouln't with Shouldn't
Last edited by 1529op on April 4th, 2008, 3:32 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Unread postby james-skarz » April 2nd, 2008, 10:56 am

And i thought my first few UBW posts were long but MAN Balcerzak...that's huge...gj :D.

This time I only have a small error to report...I forgot to report it ages ago since I've been avoiding F/SN in favour of Oblivion >_>.

Anyway, the error is in UBW: Day 15 - 'VS' at Einzbern Castle :
Once Archer has descended from the stairs and told Shirou that he regretted his actions, he projects K&B, to which Shirou also projects the twin swords, immediately after doing so he comments/narrates '...What a bad job. The twin swords I once through were perfect are too unprecise compared to him.' change the word [through] to [thought]. The second i found was an error thanks to the spellcheck of this very site :P, unprecise not being a word (at least the spellcheck doesn't think so). So I think [unprecise] should become [inaccurate], however if this should become the case, the sentence should read 'The twin swords I once thought were perfect are too inaccurate compared to his.', considering that Archer himself isn't a projected pair of twin swords.

Peace out ^_^

P.S Gilgamesh (Tomokazu Seki) completely screwed up the 'Faker' line in my opinion, and while this cannot be fixed, I think he should've spat the words out under his breath, instead of sounding like a pedophile going 'feeeeeeeikaaaaaa'.
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Found more :(

Unread postby james-skarz » April 2nd, 2008, 12:26 pm

I know I said I only found a small error, but it turns out theres more... Simply because I kept reading on so that I could hopefully finish off a days correction for day 15...of course I haven't re-read through Days 12-14 yet but I'm quite sure that there weren't any errors in those days.

Oh and just so anyone can understand/anyone who's interested, the new breakdown of my reports will read as following:
[Route // Day:Scene / Explanation & Error, Correction]. For a new day it'll be [// Day:Scene / Scenario], for another error it will just be [/ etc.]

Anyway, once again onto the report:
UBW // Day 15:Intermission / When Lancer is ordered to kill Rin and she thinks about Shirou seeing her dead, she says "-----Sorry, Emiya-kun. I'm retiring first." The problem is that it's not in quotation marks, but is voiced by Rin's seiyuu nonetheless, simply add quotation marks.


/ After Lancer is ordered to kill himself, Shinji says to Kotomine: "N-No, you can't have Tohsaka! I have so much to pay back to her, so she has to be alive...!" Once again this is my own personal griping, but the sentence sounds odd, as if Shinji actually has to pay her something, I think the line should read as "N-no, you can't have Tohsaka! I have so much to pay her back for, so she has to be alive...!"

/ When Kotomine is stabbed by Lancer's Gae Bolg, 'The weapon protruding form his chest is the cursed lances that always strikes its target.' [lances]->[lance]. Although I'm pretty sure that's been reported, sorry. :S

*ALREADY REPORTED* / Once the lance is pulled out from Kotomine's chest, the narration reads 'The priest, giving nothing to show for his departure, falls and dies.', [giving]->[having].

/ When Lancer is dying and talking to Rin, while this isn't an error, I'm pretty sure his seiyuu says (JUST before he tells Rin to leave...and dies) 'Looks like nothing ever changes', but the line reads only as 'Man, this never changes'. Whether that was altered from Realta Nua/altered to fit the translation property/makes little difference doesn't matter much, but it's just a foot-note on my part. :)

// Day 15: End of Battle - Answer / When Shirou is fighting Archer, (After he sees his future in Archer and is starting to 'die'), he is parried and says "Damn------!", but the seiyuu says "Kono! (You!)" and again when he says "Damn" (in the same page) Archer's seiyuu (or at least it sounds like him) says "Tch", but it's still translated as 'damn'; whether that should be changed in the translation or not I'm clueless, but do as you please with it, just reporting :).

/When Archer tells Shirou to drown in his ideals again, he says "Shut up, dammit..!!!!", but his seiyuu says "Usakenna, chi kuso!!!!" and while I'm definitely worse than Takajun at understanding Japanese, in most of the other contexts that I've heard the phrase 'usakenna' used, it usually translates into 'don't f*** with me' / 'stop screwing around' / 'F*** off', rather than just 'shut up'.

/After Shirou says to Archer 'I won't lose to you!' and begins to attack him, the narration reads 'The boy has absorbed his combat skills to the point where he's able to fight decently, has now returned to fighting without them.' While by itself [upto the comma], the sentence is fine, as an entire [sentence], it should read 'The boy that has absorbed his combat skills to the where he's able to fight decently, has now returned to fighting without them'. Just so there's more of a reference, heres the scene with the error Image

/Again when Archer and Shirou are 'frantically' swinging their swords, the narration states that 'The space is filled with sparks, and anything entering the space should be cut to pieces.' I think it should be [should]->[could]

/Again, the translation reads "----------Damn.", but all the seiyuu says is "Tch". The narration even states afterwards that he 'clucked his tongue', so I think it should read as so.

*ALREADY REPORTED*/'The impact breaks one of the arm and the leg'. Fix has been stated by many others, but to reiterate, it should be 'The impact breaks an arm and a leg'.

This one is a general translation thought, but 'Seigi no Mikata' translates into 'Hero of Justice/Protector of Justice', but the tranlsation is only 'superhero', which I think is too general, as Archer/Eirei Emiya is actually described as the 'Hero of Justice', not just as a 'superhero', so i think it would be fitting if [superhero] was changed to [Hero of Justice], but whether this will fit nicely in the different contexts isn't so much my call :P

Quite sure that's it, so-
Peace out, j-s ^_^

P.S Shinji's seiyuu when mounting Tohsaka, SO good it's hil-AR-ious. And if you skip through some of Archer's lines during the fight you'll actually get to hear them read as if he's swinging his swords right after he says them, which makes them sound so much better, not that that single little detail could top Suwabe's delivery anyway :P
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Unread postby flurk » April 6th, 2008, 4:36 pm

in ubw, when rin was tied up in einzbern castle by archer, she said "So, what do you intent to do, Archer?

"intent" is wrong, it should be intend
Sir Bedevere: How do know so much about swallows?
King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
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Unread postby Anonymous__ » April 9th, 2008, 4:43 am


"Einzbern" not "Einzbren"
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Unread postby Crack » April 9th, 2008, 10:14 am

Fate route

Day 9: Night
Line: Many students were taken to the hospital, bot none of their lives are in danger.
Problem: wrong usage of "are", "none of" implies that the part later on is singular
Solution: bot none of their lives IS in danger

Day 13: Night
Line: I'm a magus too even if I'm a bad one
Problem: punctuation
Solution: missing comma after "too"

Day 14: Morning
Line: Even more shocking than the fact that I couldn't get any sleep is the fact that I couldn't come up...
Problem: repeated words: "the fact"
Solution: remove the second "the fact"
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Unread postby Balcerzak » April 19th, 2008, 8:42 pm

Here is the second part of the compilation of all of the grammar mistakes I noticed so far (UBW completed). Things that have already been reported have been struck-through (my apologies if I missed some and double-report). The general format for my reports give the Route once (until or unless it changes), the scene once (until or unless it changes, with minor location or activity notes mentioned in parentheses), the line(s) of (and occasionally surrounding) the error, what the problem is and why, potential solutions or suggestions. In my solutions or suggestions I often do not repeat the entire sentence, but only the area around the error, and changes from the original are offset by underscores. All errors found within the H-scenes are hidden by spoiler tags. Actual spoilers are out in the open.

Repeating issue: 'atelier' vs 'workshop' consistency
Repeating issue: 'Bloodfort' vs 'Blood fort' consistency
Repeating issue: When talking about the set of three Command Spells, often you use just 'Command Spell'. Is this intentional?
Repeating issue: I only noticed this in the first pieces of Sakura route, but some of the closing quotes are either in a different font, or two closing single quotes/apostrophes sandwiched together. I'm not sure if this happens intermittently elsewhere throughout the rest of the script

UBW route
3rd Day: Night "First Command Spell"
Line: The man in red is in unfavourable position after being attacked by Saber, and he's about to receive a fatal blow.
Problem: missing word, British spelling. So far your translation has been using American spellings so consistency is better.
Solution: is in _an unfavorable_

Line: "Then you're saying you're just an amateur who can't even run his own workshop?"
"...? I don't have a workshop."
Problem: Consistency. In Fate route, in the equivalent scene, instead of 'workshop' you used 'atelier' (See repeating issue).
Solution: Choose one.

3rd Day: Night, Returning home-Ilya "Another night-VS Berserker"
Line: "What? I thought we promised that you won't talk until I tell you it's okay."
Problem: Tense. Since the sentence is in the past tense, in order to match, the conditional must be used.
Solution: that you _wouldn't_ talk

Line: A youngful voice echoes through the night.
The melodic tone is unmistakably that of a young girl.
Problem: word/misspelling.
Solution: A _young_ voice -or- A _youthful_ voice

Line: They have extereme accuracy.
The silver lights that are shooting through the giant are indeed "arrows".
Problem: Misspelling.
Solution: They have _extreme_ accuracy.

Line: A black whirlwind runs in pursuit, and...
Silver lights come flashing down to stop intercept!
Problem: extra word
Solution: flashing down _to intercept_!

VS Berserker "Third Death" (from Do as Tohsaka says)
Line: ...The living room is just as I left it.
The air is still and motionless ever since Lance attacked and Tohsaka came here.
Problem: Tense agreement/awkward. Currently mixing past tense came with present tense is, to bad effect. Should use a perfect tense, and perhaps an additional clarifying phrase. Two options have been provided, depending on the original meaning.
Solution: The air _has been_ still ever since -or- The air is still and motionless_, as it has been_ ever since

VS Berserker "Third Death" (from Stay->Don't go)
Line: ...The living room is just as I left it.
The air is still and motionless ever since Lance attacked and Tohsaka came here.
Problem: Same as above, repeated in case they're stored separately.
Solution: The air _has been_ still -or- The air is still and motionless_, as it has been_ ever since

VS Berserker "Equal match-Archer's shot" (from Stay->Follow)
Line: ...Maybe this scene made me accept everything.
No matter what may befall upon us in the future...
Problem: Extra word, "befall upon" is redundant.

Solution: what may _befall us_ in the -or use other version (from Follow)- what may _fall_ upon us

VS Berserker "Equal match-Archer's shot" (from Follow)
Line: I'm sure that an hindrance of this degree is only trivial for Berserker.
But it's more than nothing.
Problem: Agreement
Solution: that _a_ hindrance of

Line: Their battle is continuining without change.
Berserker's attacks smash through empty space and only destroy his surroundings.
Problem: Misspelling.
Solution: battle is _continuing_ without

Line: ...Maybe this scene made me accept everything.
No matter what may fall upon us in the future...
Problem: Consistency with other choice. See above (from Stay->Follow)

4th Day: Dojo-Phone "Saber's compromise-Mistake that is yet to be seen"
Problem: Several minor consistency issues with the related Fate Route "Solo&Only" scene
e.g. "Shirou, that is not a possible mean." vs "Shirou that is not a possibility."

Line: (fresh page) But I must obey if you order so. In that case, you will have to use one of your Command Spells to compensate for treading inside me."
Problem: Needs opening quote
Solution: _"_But I must

Line: "Those are the seven classes.[pagebreak]
Problem: close quote
Solution: classes._"_

Line: Saying that, Saber looks down awkwardly for a second..
Problem: punctuation.
Solution: period or ellipsis, take your pick.

Line: ...Saber narrows her eyes.
They are the calm eyes of a swordman who allows no disagreement.
Problem: Misspelling.
Solution: a _swordsman_ who

Line: Yeah, I don't know what kind of people other Masters are.
Some of them may be really good people.
Problem: Missing word. He's referring to specific other people, so the definite article is appropriate.
Solution: people _the_ other

4th Day: Night-Bedtime "Training, meditation"
Line: The magic that I succeeded for the first time in a few years last night. I have to repeat it before I forget the sensation.
Problem: Missing word. Succeed (when referring to a specific goal or accomplishment) typically takes 'at', i.e."to succeed at [goal]".
Solution: that I succeeded _at_ for the first time

Intermission "Tohsaka Rin(II)"
Line: She opens the windows and treats those who are in an especially bad condition. After that, she leaves the room.
Problem: awkward/agreement. 'An' and 'condition' both signifies something singular, but those is plural. This isn't the case of many people possessing one thing, though, as each person's condition is different.
Suggest: and treats those _whose conditions are especially bad_. -or- and treats those who are _in especially_ bad condition.

Line: I don't know what kind of a Master it is, but such a thing is beyond human powers. If there's anyone capable of doing it, it'll be the Servant Caster.
Problem: Tense. As she's speculating here, the conditional is the proper tense.
Solution: capable of doing it, _it'd_ be

Line: No, first of all, he destroyed the proof of his heroism under his own will. It's so crazy that other Servants would faint from shock if they would find out about this----
Problem: Wrong word/tense.
Solution: other Servants would faint from shock if they _found_ out about this

Line: So will it be a different story if that Master is in front of you? For example, if Emiya Shirou shows up in front of you without care that he's a Master..."
Problem: Missing word/awkward. "Without care" is an awkward construction.
Solution: without _a_ care that he's -or- without _caring_ that

5th Day: Morning, school "Tohsaka Rin, Mitsuzuri Ayako"
(student council room)
Line:It all happened last night.
We got a contact from a family saying that their daughter has yet to come home from the archery club.
Problem: Tense. As this refers to something that began and ended in the past, the past perfect, not present perfect, is needed
Solution: their daughter _had_ yet to

(classes out)
Line: She's firm, and she's stronger than most guys
It's not a trivial matter that she's missing, and most of all, I can't ignore it as her friend.
Problem: Missing punctuation.
Solution: than most guys_._

Line: I wave goodbye and leave.
If there's any place to go now, it'll be the archery range.
Problem: Tense. As he's speculating, the conditional tense is the correct one.
Solution: now, _it'd_ be the

Line: It's been three hours since lunch.
It might be possible that she's already been found and it turns out nothing was wrong at all.
Problem: Tense/awkward wording. Currently, the sentence is structured such that the whole thing is under the supposition of "it might be possible that...". In this case "[has] been found" should match with "turns out", which due to time ordering requires a progression from the present perfect to the past. However, if instead only one part is being supposed, then that needs to be made clear
Solution: and it _turned_ out -or- already been found _in which case_ it turns out

Line: What sort of magic is it?
The instance she points her left hand at me, my vision is filled with light.
Problem: Wrong word. Instance vs instant. [already discussed in my previous report]
Solution: The _instant_ she points

VS Tohsaka Rin "Panic sonic roller coaster"
Line: We're about four meters apart, in front and in the back of the classroom.
Problem: Agreement. inconsistent use of 'the'
Solution: in _the_ front and in the back -or- in _the_ front _and the_ back

Line: My hand bumps into something on the floor.
"It's a leg of a chair. She really did destroy this place."
Problem: article. I can't come up with a rule describing why, but the definite article feels like it fits better in this saying.
Solution: It's _the_ leg of a chair

Line: The numbness in my feet is temporary, so I think I can move them if I wanted to.
Problem: Tense. He's making a supposition, so the conditional is proper.
Solution: I think I _could_ move them if

5th Day: Staredown-To the woods "Hanging death-VS Rider" (from Command Spell)
Line: She has her magical energy, no, life energy to be precise, drained. ...This is about as bad, no, worse than people who got attacked by Caster.
Problem: Tense, missing word. Describing the past, should be past perfect. Comparing specific things, should use the definite article.
Solution: She has _had_ her magical
Solution: worse than _the_ people who got

Line: An ethereal beauty and a thick smell of blood.
I don't know class she is, but her existence is beyond human------
Problem: Missing word.
Solution: know _what_ class

Line: It's so strange that I think I might have been killed by that previous surprise attack and merely dreaming now.
Problem: missing word. 'Merely dreaming now' is a fragment, it needs a verb.
Solution: and _am_ merely dreaming -or- and _might be_ merely dreaming now.

Line: I have a weapon in my hand, even if it may be a weak one.
And my body still can move.
Problem: word order. 'Body' is the subject, 'can' is the verb, 'still move' is the direct object of the verb, and should not be split.
Solution: my body _can_ still move

5th Day: Rin's room "Cooperation established"
Line: It's not complete, but everyone inside would weaken and die once it's activated. Well, it's not like I'm going to let it happen.
Problem: Tense, word choice. Since it's a certainty, the future tense is the correct choice. The choice of pronoun is a bit peculiar at the end. 'That' fits better, in this instance.
Solution: everyone inside _will_ weaken and die once it's
Solution: let _that_ happen.

Line: It seemed like he taught me magic because I woouldn't give up. He also told me from the beginning to be a magic user and not a magus.
Problem: Misspelling
Solution: I _wouldn't_ give up

Line: As Tohsaka Rin is the head of the Tohsaka family, she is a supervisor of this land even though she's young.
Problem: article. The land only has one supervisor, so the direct article is needed.
Solution: she is _the_ supervisor

Line: She was entrusted with the supervision ten years ago, and it's only recently that she actually become able to protect the land.
Problem: Tense. The sentence is in the past tense, so 'become' is out of place.
Solution: actually _became_ able to

Line: We should be hiding the scope of our power., and first of all, a magus has to keep his magic hidden at all costs.
Problem: punctuation
Solution: our power_,_ and first of all

5th Day: Return home "Archer's escort, definition of hero"
Line: "My wish cannot be granted by a thing like that."
The knight in red declares contemptedly.
Problem: Not a word
Solution: declares _with contempt_.

5th Day: Dinner "Tonight's dinner"
Line: If the person there was really Shinji, he has to have some kind of connection with the Servant in black.
Then------there's the worst possibility that he is a Master.
Problem: missing word.
Solution: worst _case_ possibility

5th Day: Night "Inform Saber about cooperation with Rin"
Line: No. I agree that you should learn from Rin, as you have no knowledge.
But I would have liked for you to tell me earlier. And if you can, consulted me beforehand as well.
Problem: Extra word, tense. 'Can' is in the present, yet 'consulted' is in the past. They need to match.
Solution: would have _liked you_ to tell
Solution: And if you _could have_, consulted me -or- And if you can, _consult_ me

6th Day: After School "Master identified"
Line: It's meaningless to teach magic to such a thing, and it's a waste of time.
...Geez. A slow woman like her won't be able to use magic.
I'm the only one that inherited the secret.
Problem: Tense. This is speculation, as Shinji is supposing what would happen if Sakura had been taught, thus the conditional is needed.
Solution: woman like her _wouldn't_ be able to

6th Day: After Dinner, training "Full armor double Saber"
Line: It looks like there's a yellow lid on the bowl, and it honestly doesn't look good.
But it should make rice taste better since it's in a bowl.
Problem: Missing word. Since it's referring to specific rice, not rice in general, the definite article is needed.
Solution: make _the_ rice taste

6th Day: Midnight "Calling"
Line: It's cold.
The wind is blowing on me, and since I'm in my pajama's, my body is freezing.
Problem: Plural not possessive.
Solution: in my _pajamas_, my body

Line: ...This coldness is unlike Fuyuki City.
The chill is cold enough to wake me up if this were a dream.
Problem: Tense. Since this is supposition, the conditional is needed
Solution: The chill _would be_ cold enough

Line: It means I was cursed when I was sleeping.
Even if I was asleep, it should be impossible for me to be seized by a magic cast from so far away.
Problem: Tense. The main body of the sentence is in past tense, as evidenced by 'was asleep', so the remaining needs to match. Putting them both in the present perfect works best.
Solution: Even if I was asleep, it should _have been_ impossible for me to _have been_ seized

Line: For that reason, indirect intervention magic such as hypnotism and binding has a low success rate.
Problem: Clarity, parenthetical phrase. Without offsetting with commas, the main body of the sentence 'intervention magic [...] has a' gets lost.
Solution: indirect intervention magic_,_ such as hypnotism and binding_,_ has a

Line: All the Masters are weak, but you are the weakest by far.
Your magic resistance is on the same level as ordinary people in this town.
Problem: comparison. Compare apples to apples, not 'people' and 'magic resistance'.
Solution: same level as _that of the_ ordinary people

Line: In that case, I shall tell you. I, Servant Caster, have a privilege to make a 'territory'.
Problem: article. Since she's referring to a specific privilege, the definite article is proper.
Solution: have _the_ privilege

Intermission "Saber VS Assassin"
Line: It makes no difference whether her destination is the enemy's territory or how many traps await her.
Problem: nor
Solution: territory _nor_ how many

6th Day: Ryudou Temple "Archer VS Caster"
Line: I want to fight back, but my body will not move.
My senses are taken away, and I'm sure she would eliminate my body in a matter of seconds.
Problem: Tense. Since this is being narrated in the present, and there is no doubt to its occurrence, the future is required.
Solution: she _will_ eliminate

Line: There are arrows pierced in the ground in front of Caster.
Problem: arrows is the subject, the adjective should describe it. While you could argue the phrase "pierced in the ground" is a complex adjective, it is clunky and awkward.
Solution: There are arrows _piercing_ the ground

Line: The 13 arrows were shot from above.
They were probably all shot at the same time, and I'm sure it would've gotten Caster if there was one more arrow.
Problem: tense, awkward. Since the sentence is in the past as evidenced by "They were", describing prior events should use the past perfect. Additionally, the current structuring is awkward, as at first glance "it" appears to conflict with "they" until you reach the end where "one more arrow" is mentioned.
Solution: if there _had been_ one more
Suggest: They were probably all shot at the same time, and I'm sure if there had been one more arrow it would've gotten Caster.

Line: Every Servant needs a Master to exist.
Weren't they supposed to disappear if they don't have a supply of magical energy from their Master?
Problem: Tense. Present "don't" and past "Weren't" are being used at the same time. The tenses need to match.
Solution: _Aren't_ they supposed to disappear if they don't have -or- Weren't they supposed to disappear if they _didn't_ have

Line: It is natural for the Master to be on his guard against a familiar of greater power.
...If I was your Master, I would not give any freedom to a witch. There is no way he would allow you to summon a Servant that will only obey your orders.
Problem: subj., tense. Archer is positing something contrary to fact. "would" and "will" need to agree.
Solution: If I _were_ your Master
Solution: no way he would allow you to summon a Servant that _would_ only obey

Line: I'm stronger than anyone here. Saber and Berserker aside, you shouln't even be able to scratch me.
Problem: typo
Solution: you _shouldn't_ even be

Line: The red shadow runs.
I don't know when he got them, but in Archer's hands are those weapons-----those twin sword.
Problem: agreement
Solution: those twin _swords_.

Line: Archer is still holding on to his swords.
Problem: word
Solution: holding _onto_ his

Line: Caster's slashed body disappears.
As Archer starts to put his weapon away after seeing it...
Problem: agreement (two swords)
Solution: to put his _weapons_ away

Line: The magical energy in that small light is about three times my full magical energy.
Even Archer should have his body blown away if he takes a direct hit.
Problem: Should/would. "Should" implies a sense of obligation, while "would" merely describes a possibility. An obligation to have one's body blown away sounds weird.
Solution: Archer _would_ have

Line: That's more like great magic.
To activate it, it needs a simple magic circle and a "ten count", a spellcasting of more than ten verses.
Problem: subject clarity
Solution: To activate it, _one_ needs

Line: Because great magic is strong, casting them takes time.
Problem: agreement. "Great magic" is singular, but the pronoun "them" is plural
Solution: Because great magic is strong, casting _it_ takes time. -or- Because great _magics are_ strong, casting them takes time.

Line: A normal magus would take about a minute to cast such a big magic.
Even a magus that can use high-speed casting will take thirty seconds or so.
Problem: tense. Supposition on what a magus could do requires the conditional. This is also consistent with the previous sentence.
Solution: that _could_ use high-speed casting _would_ take

Line: Caster is using all her magical energy to heal herself, but I'm sure she would've died instantly if it was a direct hit.
Problem: subj. Positing contrary to fact.
Solution: it it _were_ a direct hit.

Line: In front of me are Archer, and Caster who's glaring at Archer.
Problem: Comma placement. The people in front of him form a complex object, which shouldn't be separated with a comma. The comma rather should set off the parenthetical phrase that describes Caster.
Solution: Archer_ and_ Caster_,_ who's

Line: I only use my sword at perfect opportunities, and only when I swear sure kill. I don't like killing meaninglessly.
Problem: awkard/confusion "swear sure kill"

Line: I doubt my own ears.
Did he just say he'll let Caster go...?
Problem: tense agreement. The 'future' of the past tense is the conditional tense.
Solution: Did he just say _he'd_ let Caster

6th Day: Ryudou Temple "Fall down, your mind"
Line: For example, the damage will extend beyond this town if Caster obtains the Holy Grail. That goes for Ilyasviel and other Masters.
As far as I know, you and Rin are the only Masters that will not use the Holy Grail for your own good.
Problem: missing word. Refers to a specific set of 'other Masters'. The definite article should be used.
Solution: Ilyasviel and _the_ other Masters.

Line: I missed, huh? It must be my mistake of letting out my intent to kill, or it must be your cleverness to jump back instantly. Well, I don't care either way.
Problem: Awkward, matching. 'I missed' is past tense, and sets the tone for the whole passage, and the perfect tense should be used to agree with it. Also, "letting out" is in gerund form, while "to jump" is in the infinitive, these too should match.
Solution: It must _have been_ my mistake _in_ letting out my intent to kill, or it must _have been_ your cleverness _in jumping_ back instantly.

Line: The knight in red cannot come down the steps, being blocked off by the Servant in kimono.
Problem: Missing word
Solution: the Servant in _the_ kimono -or- in _a_ kimono

7th Day: Morning-Training swordsmanship "Saber unhappy"
Line: It's not good for my mental hygiene to have girls staying in the same house as me...
Problem: word choice. 'Mental hygiene' is a phrase I've never heard in my life.
Solution: mental _health_ to

Curious: The sounds of our shinai echo. (How is shinai pluralized?)

Line: As I thought. You asked me for teaching, but you copy Archer's technique, huh?
Problem: Tense agreement. 'Asked' is past, but 'copy' is present. They should match.
Solution: You _ask_ me for teaching, but you copy Archer's technique -or- You asked me for teaching, but you _copied_ Archer's technique

Line: Of course. You did not have a basic style before. Anyone can tell if one base enters your style.
Problem: tense matching. 'Did' is past tense and sets the tone for the passage
Solution: Anyone _could_ tell if one base _entered_ your style.

7th Day: Lunchtime "Magical bullet shooter" (from play dumb)
Line: "Hm? You just did something like a flip. It seemed like you did a flip while sitting in that chair."
Gotou-kun requests for me to teach him how to do it.
Problem: Awkward
Solution: Gotou-kun requests _that I_ teach him

7th Day: Rooftop "Tohsaka Rin(IV)"
Line: He said it'll be troublesome if you got controlled again like yesterday, so he decided to kill you."
Problem: Tense. 'said' is past tense. The 'future' for the past tense is the conditional
Solution: He said _it'd_ be

Line: The bell rings to signal the start the 5th period.
But what are we doing, drinking hot coffee here like this?
Problem: missing word
Solution: the start _of_ the 5th

7th Day: Boundary field activation "Choice"
Line: That's to be expected because she supervises this land and knows about all the magi with a history that live here. So she should know that Shinji's a Master-------wait, hold on......!!!!!!"
Problem: No quote, internal monologue!
Solution: hold on_......!!!!!!_

7th Day: Blood fort "Go to first floor with Rin, Rider's death, Shinji's escape"
Line: The only thing filling my head is the desire to get to the first floor..
Problem: punctuation
Solution: floor_._ -or- floor_..._

Line: I take the two swords in my hand and swing them like I saw him use them------!
Problem: agreement. It's ridiculous to wield two swords in one hand.
Solution: two swords in my _hands_ and

Intermission "A Story"
Line: To the miracle, that in the long, long path between the start and the goal where what is right or wrong are not definite...
Problem: Awkward, agreement. Compound subjects connected with 'or' are treated as singular. Also, you already have 'what' taking 'is' so you should remain singular for that reason as well.
Solution: the goal_,_ where
Solution: what is right or wrong _is_ not definite

Line: From the start, he ran with his utmost effort, not for himself, but for strangers shouldn't have meant anything to him-------
Problem: Missing word
Solution: but for strangers _who_ shouldn't have

Intermission "Another blessing for this loser"
Line: Now, everything makes sense.
His desperation is like that of a pray being chased by a hound.
Problem: word choice
Solution: like that of _prey_ being chased

8th Day: Dinner-Bedtime "Reason"
Line: Fuji-Nee went home, saying that she has work to do tonight.
Problem: Tense. Already completely in the past, use past perfect.
Solution: she _had_ work

Line: No, I have an answer.
But I'm unconsciously restraining myself that I should never say it.
Problem: Second sentence is badly awkward.
Suggest: unconsciously restraining myself _from ever saying it_. -or- unconsciously restraining myself, _feeling_ that I should

Line: But all I obtained was wisdom to conclude that an ideal is just an ideal.
Problem: missing word. He didn't gain general wisdom, but rather a specific wisdom, so the definite article should be used.
Solution: obtained was _the_ wisdom

Line: Even though I've been attacked with the fact that it's meaningless, I've continue to do whatever I could.
Problem: Tense. To use the present perfect (like you should) you need to turn continue into its past participle
Solution: I've _continued_ to do

Line: Even if I'm battered by reality, I can keep standing even by bluff if I don't accept the loss.
Problem: Awkward. 'Even by bluff'' is a parenthetical phrase and either needs to be offset by commas or moved to the end. Additionally it sounds incomplete and awkward. My suggested revision follows.
Suggest: I can keep standing _if I don't accept the loss, even if I'm only bluffing_.

Line: I have to succeed after Kiritsugu and protect what he admired.
Problem: extra word. When 'succeed' is used in talking about matters of succession, it only takes a direct object. No additional words or phrases are needed.
Solution: I have to _succeed Kiritsugu_ and

Intermission "A story of a knight"
Line: If there were such a thing as disposable money, that's what it would be like.
It'll be used by strangers, and it'll only disappear after it's used.
It's easy to take advantage of it, and that it'd be used is already a given.
Problem: tense consistency. The first sentence and third sentences use the conditional, so too should the second.
Solution: _It'd_ be used by strangers, and _it'd_ only disappear

Line: Let me make a contract. I shall give you my life after my death. I would like the recompensation now.
Problem: wrong word. Recompensation is not a word.
Solution: like the _compensation_ now

(Rin's POV)
Line: I don't know if this is as I expected or not
But he used to be a hot-blooded man.
I don't know what hero he is, but it seems he was more honest before.
Problem: punctuation
Solution: as I expected or not_._

Line: Trusts are usually set up by tactic. I cannot trust someone without a reason.
Problem: Awkward. 'Tactics' is almost universally used in the plural. When talking about trust in general, one should use the singular. Additionally, the verb used most frequently when describing trust is 'establish'.
Suggest: Trust is usually established through tactics.

9th Day: Ambush "Caster's appearance, Saber's slash"
Line: Oh, this is unexpected. Do you understand you position now, boy?
Problem: wrong word. Possessive needed.
Solution: understand _your_ position

Line: But Emiya. Is Caster's doings so bad?
Problem: Agreement
Solution: _Are_ Caster's doings

Line: In terms of skills as a magus, we have no chance of beating Caster.
Problem: Agreement. 'Magus' and 'we' must agree.
Solution: In terms of _skill as magi_, we have

Intermission "Poisonous snake, jack of all trades"
Problem: the 'Jack' in 'Jack of all trades' is a proper noun.
Solution: "Poisonous snake, _Jack_ of all trades"

Line: The sword has stopped before slashing the enemy body, being caught between something.
Problem: wrong word. possessive needed
Solution: the _enemy's_ body

9th Day: Ambush "Saber defeated"
Line: ----I don't think it killed her, but I'm sure she won't be able to move.
At the very least, Saber will stay on the ground until the wound on her neck and body heals.
Problem: Agreement. There is no way for one wound to be on her neck and her body. Multiple wounds.
Solution: the _wounds_ on her neck and body _heal_.

VS Rider "Spider's captive"
Line: You were bound to use your Command Spell if I keep your left hand free.
You were twittering nonsense before, but you are no different from other Masters once I corner you.
Problem: Tense. Past tense 'were' and present tense 'keep' do not agree. They must. Additionally, Rider already cornered him, so should refer to it in the present perfect.
Solution: if I _kept_ your left hand
Solution: once _I've cornered_ you.

Line: That is enough bleeding. I would have extracted your heart, but I shall refrain myself since you put up a good fight.
Problem: Word choice. 'Refrain' doesn't take any objects, 'restrain' does. (intransitive vs transitive)
Solution: I shall _restrain_ myself

Line: You shall survive if you are lucky-------but your brain should not function even if you are saved.
Problem: tense. Discussing the future, and not speculatively, so use the future tense.
Solution: your brain _will_ not

8th Day: After school-Shopping district "Strange maid"
Line: I see something strange out the corner of my eye.
Problem: Missing word
Solution: out _of_ the corner

6th Day: Matou household "People at the Matou household"
Line: "I'm glad. So, Sakura. Can you stop coming to help for a while?"
"-U-um, Senpai. It's a bit sudden, but I don't think I can go help you for a while..."
Problem: the lines overlap (specifically "a while?" and "-U-um,")

Line: I manage to make it back before dinner.
An angry saber awaited me at the entrance----and I told her what happened today, about how we eliminated the boundary field at school, and how Tohsaka is expecting a counterattack tomorrow.
Problem: capitalization
Solution: An angry _Saber_ awaited me

9th Day: Night, intersection "Plan failed, Rin's wonder"
Line: Rin. I will warn you that the temple is a treacherous place for we Servants.
Problem: Word
Solution: for _us_ Servants.

10th Day: Awakening-School-Return home "Half the body paralyzed"
Line: Anyway, I fell no pain and I don't feel sleepy nor tired.
My head has clear up, as I managed to get about three hours of sleep.
Problem: Tense. To use the present perfect (which you should), you need to put 'clear' into its past participle form.
Solution: My head has _cleared_ up

Line: This is like the numbing one gets from having the bloodcirculation to a limb cut off temporarily.
Problem: Missing space
Solution: the blood_ _circulation to a limb

Line: She puts margarine on hear bread while she's speaking.
It doesn't really matter, but Fuji-Nee doesn't use butter.
Problem: Typo
Solution: margarine on _her_ bread

(making lunch)
Line: "I am glad that you are trying to do your best, but I do not want your blood in our meal."
Well, I don't want that either.
I'll be a failure as a cook.
Problem: Tense. Supposing, so conditional.
Solution: _I'd_ be a failure

10th Day: Afternoon "Rin strikes back"
Line: No, this is a good opportunity, so we'll hold the meeting here today.
You won't turn away a friend who came to see you, will you?
Problem: Tense. Conditional
Solution: You _wouldn't_ turn away a friend who came to see you, _would_ you?

10th Day: Night, porch "Tohsaka Rin(V)-Shirou's defect"
Line: We get away from Fuji-Nee, who's in the living room, and continue the meeting out in the porch.
Problem: preposition. You can't be in a porch.
Solution: continue the meeting out _on_ the porch

Line: For my first year, I trained all the time except for sleeping and eating
I honed my sensitivity, facing death every night.
Problem: Punctuation
Solution: and eating_._

(after Tohsaka goes to outbuilding)
Line: In a daze, I watch her go and look at myself in the mirror.
My face is red as an apple.
Problem: missing word
Solution: is _as_ red as an

Line: What's she thinking, sleeping in the same houses even if we're far away from each other?
Problem: agreement
Solution: sleeping in the same _house_ even if

10th Day: Bedtime-Shed "Night Training-Archer's warning"
Line: That is it...? Then he has not taught you the magus' way, or his knowledge?
Problem: consistency. In Fate you used magus's as the possessive.
Solution: the _magus's_ way

Line: But at the same time, he was the cause of every trouble. It would have been a better age if he was not as mischevous.
Problem: subj. Positing contrary to fact
Solution: if he _were_ not as

Line: It is something your master or Rin would not think of. A legitimate magus would never imagine of a heretic whose nerves are his Magic Circuit.
Problem: extra word
Solution: would never _imagine a_ heretic

11th Day: Shinto "Special?"
Line: I thought you ate it because you got hungry at night. It sounds too much to eat a whole loaf, but I thought it might be possible in your case.
Problem: missing word
Suggest: It sounds _like_ too much

11th Day: Afternoon, return home "Caster's attack"
Line: Saber's presence moves.
She's ready to fight. She should charge into Caster if she sees an opening.
Problem: should usage. 'Should' indicates a sense of obligation, whereas here you're just expressing future certainty without anything else attached. Use 'will'.
Solution: She _will_ charge

Line: I don't understand anything since my mind's frozen.
Not even Tohsaka, who's watching me with worry. Not even Saber, who looks down painfully.
Not even the nausea that fill me up.
Problem: agreement
Solution: the nausea that _fills_ me up

Refusal "Distortion(III)-Rule Breaker"
Line: Oh, I thought you might be clueless,but I guess you do know the position you are in.
Problem: Spacing
Solution: might be clueless,_ _but I guess

Line: Saber crumbles onto the floor.
...There is a mark like a bruise on her forehead.
Problem: Wrong word. 'Crumble' means to break into small bits. 'Crumple' means to crush or collapse.
Solution: Saber _crumples_ onto

Intermission "Tohsaka Rin(VI)"
Line: Hm. So I guess you two weren't friends or lovers.
That's too bad. I would've found out Saber's true identity if that was the case.
Problem: subj. Positing something contrary to fact.
Solution: identity if that _were_ the case

Intermission "Holy woman violated"
Line: Entrances and windows are ordinarily used to let things enter and leave.
The cracks cannot be covered, and besides, if it is entirely closed off, it cannot fulfull its duty to be used as a passage
If one wants to completely shut out the light, there should not be any entrances.
Problem: typo, punctuation
Solution: it cannot _fulfill_ its duty to be used as a passage_._

Line: She will not do something crude as taking her virginity.
Problem: missing/wrong word
Solution: something _as_ crude as -or- something crude _like_ taking

Line: "I acted arbitrarily, Master.
After that, I attacked the church to obtain the 'vessel' of the Holy Grail. I have killed the priest, the caretaker of the Holy Grail, but the Grail's whereabouts are unknown."
"That is your decision as well, huh? You must not have returned because you could not find the Holy Grail. ...Hm. But it is a place you obtained after much trouble. It should be meaningless to abandon it without finding what you are after."
Problem: Some awkward tense in Kuzuki's lines.
Solution: That _was_ your decision
Solution: It _would_ be meaningless

12th Day: Church "Bad Luck"
Line: His role is to protect Masters that are not able to fight anymore.
...This is ironic, but I am qualified to be under the church's care as I have lost my Command Spell.
Problem: consistency? (See recurring issue. This was the first time I noticed it, but it may have happened elsewhere.)
Solution: lost my _Command Spells_.

Line: I stop myself before sitting down on the chair.
shelf might have come down, as I hear things breaking and Kotomine's voice.
Problem: missing word
Solution: _A_ shelf might

7th Day: Lunchtime "Magical bullet shooter" (from ignore her)
Line: "Hm? You just did something like a flip. It seemed like you did a flip while sitting in that chair."
Gotou-kun requests for me to teach him how to do it.
Problem: Awkward (same as from play dumb)
Solution: Gotou-kun requests _that I_ teach him

6th Day: After dinner, training "A peaceful moment"
Line: That is because Taiga told me that I have to go hard on you or you would not listen to me. It is not because I was angry yesterday-----
Problem: Tense. Since this is discussing something that happened in the past of the past, the past perfect is used.
Solution: Taiga told me that I _had_ to go hard on you or you would not listen

12th Day: To battle "Source of information"
Line: I open my eyes.
My eyes are not the only thing that wakes up, as my sleeping mind wakes up as well.
Problem: agreement. Eyes are plural, so should be the pronoun, and verb.
Solution: My eyes are not the only _things_ that _wake_ up,

12th Day: To battle "Choice"
Line: I open my eyes.
My eyes are not the only thing that wakes up, as my sleeping mind wakes up as well.
Problem: agreement (see above)
Solution: My eyes are not the only _things_ that _wake_ up,

12th Day: Shinto "Search and lure"
Line: ...I know I wouldn't be of much help and that she would object.
Problem: tense
Solution: I know I _won't_ be of much help and that she _will_ object

Line: ...The other Masters aren't coming out either... I guess there's no need to attack me now that I don't have my Command Spell.
Problem: consistency?

Intermission "Infinite..."
Line: There are those who left the world loved by people, and there are those who left the world praised as a noble kings.
Problem: extra word
Solution: praised _as noble_ kings

12th Day: Night-Church basement "Confrontation between Rin and Caster"
Line: ...I don't have enough energy just to stand here and think.
Problem: Word reversal. While it may not be technically correct (splitting the infinitive and all), I honestly think it sounds better as arranged below.
Solution: enough energy _to just_ stand here

Line: Tohsaka and Caster are looking for an opening to strike.
It will be suicidal for them to look up in a situation like this.
Problem: tense. Supposition, use conditional.
Solution: It _would_ be suicidal

12 Day: Church basement "Sword and Magic"
Line: That's why I used the Command Spell and ordered her to kill you guys. It was my Master's order. I did not want to use it, but I have to, right?
Problem: Tense. In the past tense, so use the past perfect, not the present perfect.
Solution: but I _had_ to,

Tiger Dojo 22
Line: Taiga--The one living in Ryudou Temple in Fuyuki City, Caster-san (pseudonym), 28 years old (estimated).
Problem: Consistency with image which says "Caster(pseudonym)-san, 28 years old (Estimated)". Both placement of the "(pseudonym)", and capitalization of "Estimated"
Solution: Either change the text or the image so that they match. I personally prefer the (pseudonym) to come after the honorific, and an uncapitalized estimated.

12th Day: Confrontation "Desperate projection-return alive"
Line: I want Tohsaka to escape at the very least, but even that would require so much luck that in makes me sick----
Problem: typo. Need pronoun, not preposition
Solution: that _it_ makes me

Line: Let them go? ...Heh, you are more good-natured than your act.
Problem: typo. Need pronoun not possessive.
Solution: more good-natured than _you_ act

12th Day: Return home-Dinner "Warm dinnertime"
Line: I don't care about this Master thing. It makes no differences that I'm not a Master or that I've lost Saber.
Problem: word. The common phrase uses the singular version of 'difference'
Solution: It makes no _difference_ that

12th Day: Strategy meeting "Is there a way?"
Line: ...You seems like you don't know anything, but you know some interesting terms. ...Well, you're not right, but not wrong.
Problem: subject-verb agreement.
Solution: You _seem_ like you

Line: You can't project it if it's not perfect inside of you. As it is a shadow of the true object, the projection magic requires for there to be no mistake.
Problem: awkward
Solution: projection magic requires _that there be_ no mistake.

Line: So, I imagined a sword that would not break and projected it. But the projected sword broke during battle.
When that happened, I denied the sword, saying 'Hey, this sword broke.' As a result, the project sword disappeared.
Problem: word. Need to use 'projected', as you want an adjective
Solution: the _projected_ sword disappeared.

Intermission "Princess Medea"
Line: Her Master was a legitimate magus.
He was in his thirties, had a medium built, and had few noteworthy characteristics.
Problem: typo
Solution: a medium _build_,

Line: That was her first impression of him, and she thought it would be easy to turn him into a puppet.
-----She grews to realize that the thought was a mistake.
Problem: tense/agreement
Solution: She _grew_ to realize -or- She _grows_ to realize

Line: ...Archer. I thought I ordered for you to keep watch outside.
Problem: Extra word
Solution: I thought I _ordered you_ to

Line: In that regards, she and Rider are not heroic spirits.
Problem: plural
Solution: In that _regard_, she

Intermission "Winter forest"
Line: Even though they should be the owners of the Holy Grail, they have been degraded down to common magi that "donates" help.
Problem: agreement. Magi is plural, so too should be the verb.
Solution: that "_donate_" help

(interlude out)
Line: --------The man reaches out for the that went to sleep.
Problem: Missing word (girl?)
Solution: reaches out for the _girl_ that went

Line: I don't consider the personal danger, nor what can happen to me.
Problem: Since he's unsure what might happen, the conditional is the better choice
Solution: nor what _could_ happen to me

Einzbern Castle "Your distortion"
Line: You would get enraged by seeing corpses, but you didn't feel any schock or disgust.
Problem: typo
Solution: any _shock_ or

Einzbern Castle "Lancer's proposal"
Line: ----Oh, but let me tell you. It's not 'you guys'. 'I'm' the one who thought that you guys would make good allies.
Problem: Confusing as hell. No wonder Shirou is troubled... Is Lancer explaining that this was his idea, rather than his and his master's together? Since I don't really know what is going on, I can't make a good suggestion as to a possible fix/improvement.

Intermission "Lance of sure hit, shield of no loss"
Line: This is the only skill he possesses.
It is not innate like Saber's "instict", but it is a simple weapon that anyone can gain through hard work.
Problem: typo
Solution: Saber's "_instinct_", but

Line: Lancer, with his limbs on the ground, raises his waists.
It's just like a sprinter waiting for the signal gun.
Problem: plural
Solution: raises his _waist_.

Showdown "Rin's clever attack"
Line: I desperately retreat.
I pitifully retreat while Kuzuki closes in, not revealing any hints of how he advanced."
Problem: stray quote mark
Solution: he advanced_._

(end interlude)
Line: She lashes out her foot with all her might as if to cut off Caster's legs---!--------! (first three hypens are broken, unlike all other solid lines)
Problem: Double punctuation, hypen/line problem. Intentional?

14th Day: Church underground temple "Reality Marble"
Line: Pain fills my brains.
Problem: plural. One person's brain is never referred to in the plural except in a few colloquialisms like "blow your brains out". This, however, is not one of those cases.
Solution: fills my _brain_.

Intermission "Captured princess"
Line: So. What do you intent to do, Archer?
Problem: word
Solution: you _intend_ to do

14th Day: Midnight "To the place of conviction"
Line: I stubbornly hated him, thinking that I cannot approve of him.
Problem: Tense. Since it is the past tense, you use the conditional, not the present
Solution: thinking that I _could not_ approve

15th Day: Dawn-Einzbern Castle "'VS'"
Line: You won't do anything, huh? That's good.
If Saber interrupts right me now, I'll have broken my contract with Rin for nothing.
Problem: word order
Solution: interrupts _me right_ now

Line: You're wrong, Saber. guardians are not ones that protect the people. They are only cleaners.
Problem: Capitalization
Solution: Saber. _Guardians_ are not

Line: Guardians are a colorless force that places humanity's survival before anything.
The powers are in the heaven, and the guardians appear in this world only when there's a chance of human extinction.
Problem: plural/extra word
Solution: The powers are in the _heavens_, and -or- The powers are _in heaven_, and

Line: I've lost more than I've gained.
But that's all the more why.
Problem: missing word
Solution: But that's all the more _reason_ why.

Line: ...What a bad job.
The twin swords I once through were perfect are too unprecise compared to his.
Problem: wrong word, wrong word
Solution: I once _thought_ were perfect
Solution: are too _imprecise_ compared

Last edited by Balcerzak on April 19th, 2008, 8:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Unread postby Balcerzak » April 19th, 2008, 8:43 pm


Intermission "End of a hero"
Line: But it would not have been unconscious if Tohsaka Rin looked more pale and her clothes were more disordered.
Problem: word
Solution: looked _paler_ and

Line: It is not a lie. I have raised her to be my tool. I have deceived her for ten years, so it will be boring if she retires so easily.
That is why I ordered her protection.
Problem: Tense. The bulk of the sentence is in the present perfect, so the past and conditional tenses fit better than the future and present do.
Solution: so it _would_ be boring if she _retired_ so easily

Line: The priest narrows his eyes.
The master and the slave.
The air inside the room freezes as they stare at each other
Problem: punctuation
Solution: at each other_._

Line: Redness permiates the floor.
...There's no sign of him getting back up.
Problem: Misspelling
Solution: Redness _permeates_ the floor

Line: The wound on his chest is fatal.
The weapon protruding from his back is the cursed lances that always strikes its target.
Problem: plural
Solution: the cursed _lance_ that

End of battle "Answer"
Line: My body becomes numb as if a hammer is smashed on it, and the headache finally sears my brains as well as my eyes.
Problem: tense, and plural. Numbness happens after smashing, if numb is present, smash should be in the past. See earlier comment on brain pluralization
Solution: as if a hammer _had been_ smashed on it
Solution: my _brain_ as well as

Line: I'm smashed away.
An attack as strong as one of Berserker easily flings away Emiya Shirou's body.
Problem: possessive
Solution: as one of _Berserker's_ easily

Line: -------The match is decided.
No, the match has been decided from the start.
There is no way for Emiya Shirou to be heroic spirit Emiya.
Problem: tense. Past tense in the past requires past perfect.
Solution: the match _had_ been

Line: If the difference in our powers is large, the fight wouldn't have turned out like this.
Problem: Tense. 'is' should be in the past, to match 'wouldn't' and 'have turned '
Solution: our powers _was_ large,

Line: The boy has absorbed his combat skills to the point where he's able to fight decently, has now returned to fighting without them.
Problem: missing word
Solution: The boy _who_ has

Line: The space is filled with sparks, and anything entering the space should be cut to pieces.
Problem: would/should
Solution: the space _would_ be cut

Line: The impact breaks one of the arm and the leg.
Problem: confusion
Solution: The impact breaks one of _my arms and one of my legs_.

Line: The enemy's left chest is open. Since half my body has broken, this will be my final blow.
Problem: left chest. You only have one chest, not two.
Solution: _The left side of the enemy's chest_ is open -or- The enemy's left _breast_ is open

Line: He pulls back his longsword to protect his open left chest.
Problem: left chest. See above.
Solution: his open left _side_. -or- left _breast_.

Intermission "Contradictory Holy Grail"
Line: How!? Kotomine said that even if we have the Holy Grail, we can't make it if there's no veseel! That kid's heart is not enough.
Problem: typo
Solution: if there's no _vessel_!

15th Day: Return home, night "Before the final battle"
Line: ...I really don't want to think about it, but from what I heard, the Holy Grail is Ilyasviel's heart, right?
But I think the Holy Grail is a set with Ilyasviel's body or her Magic Circuit.
He didn't want Ilyasviel to be the Holy Grail, so he pulled out the core of it, her heart.
Problem: conjunction confusion?
Solution: is a set with Ilyasviel's body _and_ her Magic Circuit

Last Action "Think one more time"
Line: I can't imagine my embarrassment if Tohsaka had to come wake me up after I'd slept all night.
Problem: Tense. This is a supposition, so use the conditional.
Solution: I _couldn't_ imagine my

15th Day: Night "Rin's proposal(lethal dose)"
Line: ...I'm the one who should apologize. didn't think you would dislike it so much."
Problem: missing word
Solution: apologize. _I_ didn't think

The two's choice "Mind and body"
Line: My body heats up.
I don't even think about trying to be nicer this time.
I press my lips onto hers as if to bite her.
Problem: word. 'Nicer' is a comparator. There's nothing to compare against, though.
Solution: to be _nice_ this

Line: I can't just be driven by my desires.
All the more if Tohsaka is a virgin.
Problem: Missing word
Solution: All the more _so_ if

Line: Haa, nn, no...! It's too big, no, it won't go fit-----...!
Problem: extra/wrong word
Solution: it won't go _in_---- -or- it _won't fit_---

Line: Her love juice and the blood from losing her virginity is dampening her pussy.
Problem: agreement. Compound subject. 'Love juice and the blood' so the verb should be plural
Solution: virginity _are_ dampening

Line: ......Hm... It's so sticky... Ha, Shirou's is spilling away...
Problem: Missing word
Solution: Shirou's _juice_ is spilling away (or replace juice with an appropriate synonym)

(post sex)
Line: ...I'm sure it would take years to fill up her whole capacity, but I bet her maximum capacity can reach a thousand.
Problem: conditional. Speculation, use the conditional
Solution: her maximum capacity _could_ reach a

16th Day: Before Dawn "To the Ryudou Temple"
Line: I honestly tell her.
I can easily projects dozens of weapons with this amount of magical energy.
Problem: subject verb agreement
Solution: easily _project_ dozens

Intermission "Unnamed great style"
Line: She started off after waiting thirty minutes, just as Rin ordered.
Even if she arrives at the temple before Rin expected her to, she is not going against Rin's order.
Problem: tense. 'arrives' is present tense, so too should 'expected' be.
Solution: before Rin _expects_ her to

Line: She looks up at the swordsman in astonishment.
Enmity nor murderous intent is emitted from his sword.
Problem: missing word
Solution: _Neither_ enmity nor

Line: Move aside, Assassin. The one that ordered for you to protect this gate has died.
Problem: extra word
Solution: that _ordered you_ to

Confrontation "Gift 'Embyro'"
Line: The distance is about thirty meters.
The lake is shallow, and it'll be easy to walk in it.
But----it's suicidal to go into that mud.
Problem: tense. Supposition, conditional
Solution: and _it'd_ be easy to

Line: Tohsaka. Can you do something about that mud? It looks like we can walk on it if we freeze it.
Problem: tense. Supposition, conditional and past
Solution: we _could_ walk on it if we _froze_ it

Line: That's impossible. I can do it if it's just water, but that thing is a curse made up of magical energy.
Problem: conditional
Solution: I _could_ do it

Line: Even a magus specialized in freezing will have a hard time freezing a magical energy that took physical form.
Problem: conditional
Solution:: in freezing _would_ have

Line: I am telling you two to stand there until the cocoon hatches. It is too lonesome if I were the only one to witness it.
Problem: tense. Past tense, so should match with conditional
Solution: It _would be_ too lonesome if

Battle "Circuit overload"
Line: If this curse is a crystallization of pure magical energy, she should be able to repel it With strong magical energy of her own-----
Problem: capitalization
Solution: repel it _with_ strong

Intermission "Holy Grail Breakdown"
Line: Tohsaka Rin and Matou Shinji are alive because they do not have the magical energy to be consumed.
Problem: extra word
Solution: do not _have magical_ energy

Line: The arrows coming down from the sky are literally a heavy rain.
It destroys the tentacles, the ground, and everything in her path-------!
Problem: agreement. 'The arrows' is plural. The pronoun in the next sentence should match, and then the verb too.
Solution: _They destroy_ the

Intermission "End of dream"
Line: Bathed in the light, the swordswoman accepts that her battle has ended.
Problem: consistency. Everywhere else saber has been referred to as a swordsman, swordswoman isn't even a word, actually.
Solution: the _swordsman_ accepts that her

Line: The king that sought the Holy Grail sets off for the hill of destiny without leaving a trail of memory behind.
Problem: agreement. A trail implies multiple objects.
Solution: a trail of _memories_ behind

End of battle "Last fight"
(Gil swallowed by void)
Line: Ku-------that fool. Does he not know Servants like it will not become the core......!?
Problem: Confusing pronoun use. Servants like what, exactly? It would help if we knew who this line was directed at (I'm guessing it's a Heaven's Feel prominent character). I have to assume Gil is referring to himself, as he, not Archer nor Saber, is being swallowed, so only one possibility makes sense.
Suggest: Servants like _me_ will not become

Daybreak "Stay away"
Line: The rising sun is at the distance.
A golden light is emerging from the horizon.
Problem: preposition
Solution: sun is _in_ the distance

Line: He lost his Master and received the king of heroes' Noble Phantasms.
He body was disappearing, but he did not come to her and ask for help, and he instead watched over this battle.
Problem: word
Solution: _His_ body was

Line: She does not put it into words.
She looks up at the disappearing knight with flood of emotions.
Problem: missing word
Solution: with _a_ flood of

Line: She wipes away her tears and talks to the one who is not here.
Problem: word. Since this is narrated, and not told from anyone's perspective we are outside the action, and the proper location reference word is 'there'.
Solution: the one who is not _there_.

Conversation "Wounded last night"
Line: And I would have been dealt a fatal wound had you not stopped me. The method was not a good one, but your instruction was.
Problem: Wrong word. Shirou's instruction has nothing to do with anything.
Solution: but your _intention_ was

Joint alliance proposal "Consent"
Line: "Oh, you can tell? That's great. There's finally someone who understands. "I was worried that things would stay like this to the very end."
Problem: extra quote
Solution: who _understands. I_ was

Choice "Ideal"
Line: -----If I can save him...
Is it wrong to want to prevent his death if I could?
Problem: tense. Should use the present tense here. Shirou is confident and not speculating (as shown by the first line). Despite the fact that he's wrong. ^_^
Solution: if I _can_?

To epilogue 2
Line: My attacks were immature, and it's not something one can call a sword dance.
Problem: tense. Past tense takes the conditional
Solution: something one _could_ call

Line: The city of Fuyuki has long Winters, but Spring is finally around the corner.
Problem: Capitalization. Winter and spring are not proper nouns, and should be in lower case.
Solution: has long _winters_, but _spring_ is

Line: The Holy Grail has been destroyed, and most of the damage caused by the Masters is taken care of by the church.
Problem: tense. Unless the damage repair is still ongoing (which doesn't seem in line with the context), the past tense should be used
Solution: Masters _was_ taken

Line: The surprising thing is Fuji-Nee, and it turned out that they often drank tea together.
Problem: Awkward/extra word
Solution: The surprising thing is _Fuji-Nee; it_ turned out that they often drank tea together.

Line: She complained that she wanted to fight him once, so it seems Fuji-Nee knew that Kuzuki was a master in martial arts.
Problem: preposition. Typical usage is 'master of' not 'master in'
Solution: master _of_ martial arts

Line: ...I see. I thought you had more sense of humor, but I guess you really are a blockhead.
Problem: missing words
Solution: more _of a_ sense of humor

Line: No no, let's say I am able to rent an apartment there.
Problem: needs comma
Solution: No_,_ no, let's say

Line: "...Well, but you'll be in a disadvantageous position because you'll be a student at the Magic Association without being part of it.""
Problem: Extra quote
Solution: part of it._"_

To epilogue 1
Line: "Tohsaka. You're going to become my teacher...? [pagebreak]
"It can't be helped, right? There's no other suitable person."
Problem: need close quote
Solution: my teacher...?_"_ [pagebreak]

Fate/Heaven's Feel route
1st Day: Night "Taking Sakura home, advanced chapter"
Line: Seeing that smile, I hold my breath without realizing.
Problem: missing word
Solution: without realizing _it_.

Line: I've been noticing a strange person around my house recently, so I just wondered if he'll be here again today.
Problem: tense. Past tense 'wondered' means you should use conditional tense 'he would'
Solution: I just wondered if _he'd_ be here

2nd Day: Breakfast preparation with Sakura "Signs"
Line: There should be a fast rice cooker over then.
Problem: word
Solution: over _there_.

(after breakfast)
Line: She has been in such a good mood, but after seeing my bruise, Sakura suddenly became quiet and started to make lots of mistakes.
Problem: tense. The good mood is over, so the past perfect is more appropriate
Solution: She _had_ been

2nd Day: After School "Sakura's classroom - Matou Sakura(II)"
Line: "No, I have nothing to do here. I was just worried about you. You seemed a bit sick this morning.' '
Problem: the close quote is a different font than usual (maybe it's two single quotes?) (first noticed instance of the repeating issue)
Solution: morning._"_

Line: "I'm going to go and steal some tea from the student council room. You're forbidden to stand up until I come back.' '
Problem: awkward, and quote. People are forbidden _from_ things, not _to_ them.
Solution: forbidden _from standing_ up until I come back._"_

Line: "I-I can't. I can't wait here while you're doing something dangerous. Senpai, I don't care about the tea.' '
Problem: font quote
Solution: the tea._"_

Line: "Even thought it was after school and the track team had left, someone was still running around alone. When I looked closer wondering what he was doing, I realized that he was doing high jumps by himself.' '
Problem: font quotes
Solution: by himself._"_

Line: "No, it's okay if you don't understand. That just means that even though it looked that way to me, it was just an everyday thing for him.' '
Problem: font quotes
Solution: for him._"_

2nd Day: After school-Part time job "Tohsaka Rin(I)" (from Sakura)
Line: A park should be filled with people like families and lovers on weekends, but it's empty her now.No... this place is always desolate.
Problem: needs space
Solution: now._ _No...

(After work)
Line: I just gaze up at the building, just enjoying the night's scenery... "...?" ...When I think I saw something out of place.
Problem: verb tense
Solution: I think I _see_ something

2nd Day: Night-Matou household "Old man"
Line: She seemed to be feeling better, but since she has came to my place to make dinner, I think I've made her push herself again.
Problem: tense. 'Has came' does not work. Either use the past tense (only 'came') or the present perfect ('has come').
Solution: since _she came_ to -or- since she has _come_ to

Line: He must be really old, but he has sharp eyes and presence that doesn't match his small body.
Problem: missing word
Solution: sharp eyes and _a_ presence

Line: No no, it's nothing you should feel bad about. It was a mistake on my part.
Problem: needs comma
Solution: No_,_ no, it's nothing

3rd Day: Intermission "Worms from hell"
Line: There is still more chances to come. It does not mean this is the last chance.
Problem: agreement. Chances is the subject, and plural, so the verb should match
Solution: There _are_ still more

Line: The grail that would be filled in such an unstable battle will be far from perfect.
Problem: tense. Match tenses. Already using conditional, so keep using it
Solution: that would be filled in such an unstable battle _would_ be far

Line: Even if the gate is opened, it will not be possible to reach inside it.
Problem: tense. Supposition, use conditional
Solution: it _would_ not be

Line: It was planned to be a disposable, but if it can be used, it should be.
Either way, it is something that was planned to be disposed of.
Problem: extra word
Solution: planned to _be disposable_,

Line: It would be simple if mind can be taken over, but the work's mental barrier is stronger than expected.
Well, one with strong Magic Circuit was what was wished for.
Problem: missing words, tense (conditional)
Solution: simple if _its_ mind _could_ be taken
Solution: one with _a_ strong Magic Circuit

Line: As long as the latter is decided, controlling it is out of question.
Problem: missing word
Solution: out of _the_ question

Line: We must take away all Servants.
That is the idea swirling in this basement.
But pushing those aside...
Problem: agreement. Idea is singular, the pronoun should match
Solution: pushing _that_ aside
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Unread postby Ephyon » April 20th, 2008, 3:52 pm

There's a pretty big issue throughout... well, all of Fate's epilogue. Linebreaks all over the place are messed up so you get stuff like

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Unread postby Ilceren » May 2nd, 2008, 6:52 pm

Well, this is not a grammar mistake, nor a bug.
UBW route, 4th Day: Dojo-Phone Saber`s compromise-Mistake that is yet to be seen.
When the stats menu is unlocked, there's kind of a spoiler in Berserker's.
This time (unlike in Fate) Ilya does not reveal his true name, so it's blank; all right this far. But when you get to "skills", the description of the fourth one (Divinity) tells you who he is. Well it's not that bad, since you know it from Fate, but I had to report it ^^U
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Unread postby Balcerzak » May 10th, 2008, 11:43 am

The following are grammar mistakes I noticed in the Status, and Weapons screens. Much of my formatting remains the same as my other reports, the major differences are Weapons, or Status, are treated like routes and given in bold and italic. The individual entry (or category on status page) is given in underlines. For the Servants, the category is displayed as Servant->Category. Subfields within a category are given in bold. Line, problem, and solution remain given in italics.

Kaladbold II
Line: If the wielder of Kaladbolg is Ulster-born, Cu Chulainn has a duty to be defeated once by this sword due to his geas.
Problem: Misspelling/consistency. Geas vs Geis
Solution: due to his _geis_. -or- consistently use the common misspelling (Rin uses 'Geis' at one point in UBW, it's when checking up on that that I found out the correct spelling [I had been led astray by Dungeons and Dragons]).

Line: The king of Charlemagne was granted the word by an angel, and awarded it to Roland, the honored leader of the twelve knights.
Problem: factual error. Charlemagne _was_ the king, not the kingdom.
Solution: The _king Charlemagne_ was -or- _King Charlemagne_ was

Line: It is a demonic sword handed down the family that killed the Northern European hero Sigurd, and it is a Noble Phantasm originally possessed by the dragon Fafnir.
Problem: missing word. ("handed down the family" is a fragment)
Solution: handed down _by_ the family -or- handed down _through_ the family

Line: They are a pair of swords with a strong bond, which will return to its owner even if events cause them to be lost.
Problem: subject verb agreement, general confusion. What is the subject of "will return"? There are two choices, the bond, or the swords. In either case, there are two swords so the pronoun should be plural
Suggest: They are a pair of swords with a strong bond, that will return to their owner even if events cause them to be lost. -or (if the bond is the subject)- They are a pair of swords with a strong bond, which will return them to their owner even if events cause them to be lost.

Page 8
Line: Arthur's life has been sought many times by the princess Morgan, his older sister by a different father.
Problem: Inconsistency with page 6, also tense. Morgan vs Morgana?
Solution: life _had_ been sought
Solution: the princess Morgana

Line: At the end of the battle between him and the knight Mordred, born from princess Morgan's scheme, his legend closes it curtain.
Problem: consistency (see above)
Solution: princess _Morgana's_ scheme

Page 1
Line: His childhood name was Setanta, and it was prophesized from his young age that 'this child will live as a hero'.
Problem: awkward. Misspelling.
Solution: was _prophesied_ from _a_ young age

Page 4, 5
Problem: 'Geas' usage (see note at Kaladbold II)

Page 6
Line: At that time, Cu Chulainn captured the main culprit of the war, Maeve, but he released her saying that he cannot kill a woman and a reconciliation was reached between Ulster and Connaught.
Problem: tense
Solution: that he _could not_ kill

Page 7
Line: After numerous schemes, Cu Chulainn was forced to break his geas one by one, and as a result lost all his powers, and was at last stabbed in the side with a lance.
Problem: plural
Solution: break his _geasa_ one by one

Battle Continuation: A
Problem: Consistency (The bulk of this text is identical to Berserker's "Battle Continuation: A" the only difference is the first line "Does not give up easily." vs "The ability to stay alive." Personally, I prefer the latter)

Restart: C
Line: It can also return an unfavorable battle to the beginning (turn 1), and restores the conditions of techniques to their initial states.
Problem: verb verb agreement. 'Restore' follows 'can' and needs to be in the infinitive. (You never hear "It can restores", "He can has", etc.)
Solution: and _restore_ the conditions

Divinity: B
Line: Strength of one's god-like nature.
The more godlike blood possessed,
the higher this stat becomes
Problem: missing punctuation
Solution: this stat becomes_._

Archer->Noble Phantasm
Line: Can duplicates any weapon he has seen, but the duplicated weapon has its rank reduced by one.
Problem: subject verb agreement
Solution: Can _duplicate_ any weapon

Riding: A+
Line: Can ride even demonic and holy creatures, if they are beasts.
This, however, does not include dragons
Problem: Missing punctuation
Solution: include dragons_._

Rider->Noble Phantasm
Bellerophon: Reins of the Heroic Cavalry
Line: It is a Noble Phantasm of the highest level in both attack and defense, as defense also increases while in use due to Pegasus' divine protection.
Problem: possessive, consistency?
Solution: Pegasus's

Recurring: Irregular capitalization of 'king'. King should only be capitalized as part of a proper noun, yet we see varying instances of "King of Corinth" and "king of Corinth", "become a King" etc. here.

Page 2
Line: When the Goddess Aphrodite who supported Jason realised that the King of Colchis was unshakable, she controlled his daughter Medea's mind and made her blindly love Jason.
Problem: Britishism
Solution: Jason _realized_ that

Page 5
Line: Thus Jason became a King, but his fellow Argonauts did not approve of his conduct;
Most of all, they disapproved of Medea's existence.
Problem: capitalization. If it follows a semi-colon, in needs to be lowercase.
Solution: became a _king_, but
Solution: conduct; _most_ of all

Page 7
Line: Medea appeared at Jason's wedding and used her magic to burn all whoattended including the king of Corinth and his daughter.
Problem: missing space
Solution: all _who attended_ including

Page 2
Line: It is said that he developed his secret sword technique, Tsubamegaeshi, which could even kill a swallow flying around the Nishiki-river in the Suou region.
Problem: Consistency on Tsubamegaeshi. Also clarity (is the swallow flying around the river, or was that where he developed his technique)
Suggest: It is said that he developed his secret sword technique, Tsubame Gaeshi, which could even kill a flying swallow, around the Nishiki-river in the Suou region.

Page 3
Line: Because of the sword's length, he cannot fight while holding onto his sheath, so he throws away his sheath in front to Musashi, and Musashi's quote when he saw that, "Kojirou, you lose" is all too famous.
Problem: Tense
Solution: he _could not_ fight while holding onto his sheath, so he _threw_ away his sheath

Tsubame Gaeshi
Line: Max targets: One
Problem: Consistency (treat it as similar to Noble Phantasm style listing)
Solution: Maximum target: 1 person

Page 4
Line: This was the beginning of the great hero Hercules, who single-handedly achieved great deeds equaling those of the Trojan War and the Argo Expedition. But the rest of Hercules life was again full of madness.
Problem: possessive needed
Solution: rest of _Hercules's_ life

Page 5
Line: Hera's hatred was endless, and Hercules, who should be immortal, was killed by poison by one of his wives.
Problem: tense
Solution: who _should have been_ immortal

Battle Continuation: A
Problem: Consistency (See Lancer)

Divinity: A
Problem: The text of this spoils his identity, in UBW where Shirou doesn't know he's Herakles until way late in the War. (Perhaps a non-issue?)

Archer (Gilgamesh)->Details
Page 2
Line: At first, Gilgamesh feared Enkidu as his enemy. But the two came to understand each other soon after, recognised each other as equals, and worked together to rule the country.
Problem: Britishism
Solution: soon after, _recognized_ each other
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Unread postby Nychi002 » May 20th, 2008, 5:35 am

Hey I've been curious. I thought Berserker's name was supposed to be Heracles, not Hercules. Yes, there is a difference...Hercules was Roman while Heracles was Greek (Hera*cles). I admit that Hercules is more commonly known but Heracles is what they say in the anime at least if you listen to the Japanese carefully enough. Anyway I was just curious why it was translated as Hercules.
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Unread postby Shinigami_AF » June 2nd, 2008, 1:47 am

to Nychi: it seems that Ilyasviel likes Hercules more than Herakles. I've seen Herakles at least once in the translation too, name used by Rin if I'm not mistaken.
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Unread postby james-skarz » June 6th, 2008, 4:35 pm

Its meant to be either, MM just uses hercules bcos its more common than heracles. remember:they mod for the general public, meaning non-versed in greek mythology too :P. but yeh Heracles and Hercules are the same. no typo. and im pretty sure rin says 'heracles, otherwise known as hercules' or sumthing.

P.S Spoiler tags! :)
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Unread postby Miraploy » June 13th, 2008, 5:50 pm

I just read an FAQ.


Q. Everyone knows that Japanese people refer to apartments as "mansions" but I hear the word "apaato" very often as well. What is the difference between a "Mansion" and an "Apaato"?
A. Contrary to popular belief, the word mansion does not necessarily refer to a condominium. The difference is in the building materials: a "mansion" is in a concrete building of three or more stories, whereas an "apaato" is in a wooden one of two stories or less. Many people refer to very tall concrete buildings as apaato however, and the word has the nuance of something slightly luxurious, Western and modern.--Thanks to Mike Chachich who helped with this answer.

Shouldn't Shirou's house then not be refered to as a mansion since it is wooden and less than 3 stories?
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Unread postby md » June 14th, 2008, 12:06 am

I'll be sure to tell Nasu.
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Unread postby Phoenician » June 14th, 2008, 3:44 am

Artistic license (also known as dramatic license, poetic license, narrative license, licentia poetica, or simply license) is a colloquial term used to denote the distortion or complete ignorance of fact, or the changing of an established fact that an artist may undertake in the name of art ? for example, if an artist decided it was more artistically "correct" to portray St. Paul's Cathedral next to the Houses of Parliament in a scene of London, even though in reality they are not close together, that would be artistic license.
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Unread postby yuki_tsumotteru » July 4th, 2008, 4:57 am


Below are a few instances where the word "mana" was used instead of "magical energy".
* The mana I am taking in is so concentrated that the original senses of my body are being repainted.
* The harvested mana in my blood.
* I have only to empty out the mana within me to move the engine called the summoning circle...
* All the mana in the air is frozen.

Prologue, 2/1:
* But Archer just says, "that's impossible".
-- That's should be capitalized.

* Lancer is in the house already and about to kill the same guy again, who has just come home without a clue of what happened.
-- a clue as to what happened, or similar

* There's no time for me to flee or plea for my life.
-- plead

Main story, 1/31:
* Yeah, you always say that. Well, that's why I wake up early, clubs or not.
-- Extra space after "that."

* ...and she has shown some capacity even for making yam soup by grinding yam.
-- yams

* I guess my strong point isn't an useful ability.
-- a useful ability

* Yeah, the AV-room is next.
-- no hyphen (consistency) - AV room

* Let's meet again in English class at third period, everyone!
-- in, or during

(choose to play with Fuji-nee after dinner):
* I guess it'd be an attractive quality somewhere in the Savanna
-- savanna - no capitalization. Also, "savannah" is a more common spelling, though both are acceptable.
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Unread postby yuki_tsumotteru » July 6th, 2008, 11:28 pm

* On top of that, if you commit a crime with magic, the heretic hunters of the church will come after you.
-- This sure sounds like the one that Ciel works for, so shouldn't it be Church, capitalized?

* "-----She's just like as always."
-- awkward; just like always

* ...I don't really care, but you have a bad taste, Emiya.
-- She wouldn't know that one way or the other yet XD Ahem... bad taste, or some bad taste.

* You mean that going after Tohsaka is bad taste?
-- is in bad taste

-- There are several Church/church issues in this day.

* It's only natural for a student to fix the school equipment, right? After all, we're the ones using them.
-- using it

* Don't just stick to the student council, and you should be useful to us sometimes as well.
-- suggest semicolon in place of "and" - Don't just stick to the student council; you should be useful to us sometimes as well.

* But there are so many more carbon-bows now.
-- extraneous hyphen; carbon bows

* Is it coming from the school ground...?
-- school grounds

* If I want to know, I'll have to go nearer the schoolyard.
-- nearer to the schoolyard

* I can tell not because I'm learning magic.
-- sentence structure would be more appropriate to a compound sentence - I can tell, not because I'm learning magic, but because [etc. etc.] At the very least, a comma between "tell" and "not".

* I should have ran into town to get away;
-- run into town

* And a school out of all thing.
-- And a school,of all things.

* Some things like humans were fighting in the school ground.
-- fighting on the school grounds.

* Feelings vanish from my fingertips.
-- Feeling vanishes

* But that makes no difference to the fact that the person saved me.
-- awkward and unusual structure; maybe "But that makes no difference in the face of the fact that the person saved me."

* ...The ongoing ominous events in the town of Fuyuki.
-- It's a town now? What happened to Fuyuki City? :)

* Perhaps because my wound on my chest is so vivid, I complain about things I shouldn't.
-- redundant; the wound on my chest

* He must have realized he is at an disadvantage
-- a disadvantage

* That must have been the signal, as the girl quietly nods her lovely face.
-- nods her lovely head

* Perhaps it's totally invisible as it does not show up even when sparks fly off from it.
-- needs comma - totally invisible, as it does not show up

* And the girl lets out a voice for the first time.
-- Seems like an odd choice - lets out a cry, perhaps?

* If you would not come, I can.
-- tense agreement - If you would not come, I could. OR If you will not come, I can.

* His hostility disappears and clucks his tongue annoyingly.
-- His hostility disappears and he clucks his tongue in annoyance.

* and she is ready to bring her sword down at anytime...!
-- word use; at any time

* In any spiritually-superior land is a family of magi that looks after that land.
-- extraneous hyphen; spiritually superior

* A church atop of the hill.
-- atop the hill

* And for a follower entrusted with a church like this and the more divine protection one receives, the more one should stay away from magic----
-- conjunction use; a church like this, the more divine protection

* Well, it won't do any good to preach you now.
-- to preach to you

* ...What trials.
-- sentence ending in a question; ...What trials?

* What's wrong, boy.
-- same as above - What's wrong, boy?

* Because other Masters were all monstrous.
-- Because the other

* Tell me your decision on if you want to join this battle, the Holy Grail War, now.
-- word use; suggest "your decision as to if"

* so get rid your Command Spell now.
-- get rid of your

* The lead colored Servant chases after her.
-- hyphenate - lead-colored

* The gray figure swings its giant sword as if its the only thing it knows how to do.
-- it's/its/its' use; as if it's the only thing it knows how to do.

* ----- She falls making a big arc.
-- comma use and sentence awkwardness; suggestion: She falls, tracing a big arc.

2/2, Forest of No Return:
* It would be better for you to form a contract a proper Master, not one like me.
-- missing word; a contract with a proper Master

* In the time I blink my eyes, Saber runs towards me,
-- Sentence choice; suggest "In the time it takes me to blink, Saber runs towards me,"

* Sweeps my legs and trips me over.
-- Sentence structure; suggestion: Sweeps my legs out from under me, and knocks me over.

* The black giant standing there swings his weapon upwards
-- extra space between "giant" and "standing"

* Heehee, you're well-mannered Onii-chan.
-- comma missing; you're well-mannered, Onii-chan.
Into 17 Pieces
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