The Red Moon: Kind of a fanfic(?)

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The Red Moon: Kind of a fanfic(?)

Unread postby Sobzob » September 28th, 2007, 8:38 pm

Well, I was bored so I started writing this. It's not exactly a fanfic, just that I was inspired by Tsukihime and Kara no Kyoukai. Maybe you could say some kind of alternative universe?
There is no character from neither Tsukihime nor Kara no Kyoukai, but many of the names are taken from Type-Moon works and have been combinated because I really suck at making up names.

I really suck at writing and whenever I do start to write something it always ands up in "I" form in the end, so I decided to write it all from different points of view.
So feel free to hate all you want on it.
And if I'm posting this in the wrong place, I'm sorry!

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Chapter I Crimson

Yet another crimson sky was arising... The Sky was dyed red as the moon appeared, as if trying to shine like the brightest ruby, the moon was shining oh so crimson. Even redder than the crimson sky...
"Oh ho? Again so soon? It've only been twenty one days since the last red moon. I guess I should look for dinner yet again.. Shit, and here I was thinking that I could at least stay in this town for few months."
My teeth is starting to hurt, this pain.. I wonder how many times I've felt it now?
I suppose one could say too many. But I guess I'm rather used to it now, after all it've been six hundred years since then..
I started moving into the town again, to search for the next meal.
"Tonight a fresh virgin wouldn't be bad."
All the doors are closed, the locks are locked, the windows are barricaded and I find myself laughing in the middle of the town.
How can I find a dinner like this? It appears that the town folks of this town are aware of vampires and when they take their meals. This is slightly troublesome indeed.
I walked around the town; I don't know for how long, but long enough to feel that I couldn't take it anymore.
I am about to breakdown, I've never felt this much pain caused by my impulse before. I fall down on my knees and attempt to hold back the pain while thinking about something else, like this I won't be able to last for another hour.
"I feel pathetic, disappearing like this.. A vampire who've lived for six hundred years. I am ashamed of myself, maybe I should jus-"
Suddenly a girl runs up to me, by the smell she's a virgin too. She is looking at me with worried eyes, this is the first time I've ever seen a human looking at a vampire like this. Though, she doesn't know I'm a vampire as of yet so that would be the reason.
"Are you ok mister? It looks like you're in pain! I can take you to the nearest Inn if you want. There are vampires around at a night like this."
"Ah, thank you.. I would be glad if you could, I'm a traveler and I haven't eaten anything for a couple of days.."
Of course that would be twenty one days, but that's something I keep for myself.
"I'll get you to the Inn then, here grab my shoulder, I'll help you stand."
"Thank you once again."
As I grabbed her shoulder we looked into each other’s eyes. This would be the perfect chance to begin my meal.

// Karen view

"Are you really sure there's a vampire around this town Karen? I mean a small town like this; even on a red moon I think it's a little too much.
They all seem to be aware of vampires too."
"Akira, don't say that. You can never be sure where a vampire will appear."
I jumped up on a house building to get a better view of the town; I can say for certain that there is some kind of unnatural presence here at least.
"Say Akira, do you also feel this unnatural presence? You should be able to feel something too."
"No, I don't feel anything. You're the one good at those things; I'm the one doing the killing."
"Yeah.. You're right. Let’s take a look then, I can feel it coming somewhere from that direction."
Akira jumped up on the roof with me and we leaped roof to roof following the unnatural presence.

// Cruz view

My eyes shined as red as the red moon and the girl looking into my eyes was paralyzed.
"Ah, I guess this pain was worth it if I get a virgin like this."
My black coat and dark hair was blowing with the wind as the girl fell into my arms.
I bared her neck and licked it.
"I should really enjoy this now; after all it turned out to be a lot of effort."
I untied her necktie and stripped her clothes, the wonderful flesh, a virgins flesh. More pure than any other, not touched by anyone but me.
I touched her soft breasts and licked her white skin, this was enough. I thought I would erect, this excitement was the greatest. A virgin, in my own hands, these moments are probably what life is worth living for.
I followed her beautiful body with my tongue, once again up to her neck. But this time, it was for the main purpose.
I revealed my teeth, "Now let’s have a bite.."

// Karen view

The Presence was getting stronger, and more and more similar to a vampire.
"Akira, I think we found it."
I stopped on a roof top and looked down on the ground, there he was, the vampire we've been looking for in thirty five years... Cruz Vanheilt.
Akira jumped up beside be and grabbed her sword, she was more than prepared to fight Cruz.
"He even got a victim?! In THIS town?! How is that even possible? Unless it's some idiotic girl trying to help a stranger."
"Akira, relax. Things like this happen all the time, you should know that by now."

Akira started unsheathing her sword.
"Stop! Akira, if you unsheathe your sword here this whole town will fall into ruins. Even you should know that more than me!"
"Yes I know. But I can't just do this.. I can't continue watching like we've been doing all these years. We're always waiting for a chance outside a town, but have we ever had one? NO!"
"AKIRA STOP! YOU WILL BE DISMISSED IF YOU DO ANY FURTHER ACTIONS!"
But she doesn't listen, Akira unsheathed her sword, and as she did that the whole building they were standing on fell apart.
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Unread postby Sobzob » September 28th, 2007, 8:38 pm

Chapter II Church Association

There is a girl in a dark room, she’s crying. Around her is three dead bodies, two of them could be in the thirties and the other could be in his teens.
The girl is asking, why? Why them, why her family, what did they do to deserve the eternal thing so-called death? The girl didn’t look up once while I walked up to her, she was still crying and asking why.
I patted her back and asked for her name; Akira. She said her name was Akira, this small girl called Akira have had her mother, father and brother killed… Killed by a creature so-called vampire, a creature that drink human blood to survive, a creature that kill without hesitation, even among themselves if necessary. The Vampires has or rather had a rule, a rule they have to strictly follow, and it goes; ?Thou shan’t disturb the human peace when there is no Red Moon.?
A rule that were strictly followed by ancient vampires… Our daily vampires are different, they eat for fun, they kill for fun, they only think about themselves. For that, we had to defend ourselves, and thus the Church Association was created.
I reached my hand out to the girl named Akira, and asked of her; ?Do you want to hunt, hunt down the horrible creatures that killed your family??
The Girl looked up at me with eyes that had regained hope of life and nodded.
?Then you shall join the church association and be trained by me, Iris Aozaki.?

Years had passed by, and Akira truly showed potential to be a strong warrior. She always followed my guidelines, did her best at everything, always smiled, and she even mastered the skill of the sword in only six years.
We slayed vampires together, she did well. At times she even saved my life. (Luckily enough I don’t have to admit this to her, because it is only something that I would notice alone in battle).
After sixteen years, the association parted us. They noticed we had grown way to close to each other, I as one of the top in the association and Akira, climbing fast up to the same top as I. They started to feel a threat, since Akira started to get cocky and I agreed with her in the most chases she had to be. The Association thought we would start a revolt against them, and forced us to part. And if this would not be followed, we both would have to be executed. The Reason why they thought we would revolt against them is still something unknown, I suppose even those helping people are down to dirty business as well.
This girl is once again crying in front of me and asking why. And for the first time in my life, I felt like doing the same, I wanted to cry, this nostalgia she gave me from the first time we met and all the times up till now.. ?Akira.. You know, I’ll miss you. These sixteen years are probably the best time of my life. You better take care of yourself! There is just something I have to give you before we part.?
I removed my sword from my waist and threw it down to her, ?Here, take Soukyuu with you. I don’t need him anymore, and you really deserve a wonderful sword like him! Farewell Akira, I’ll miss you.?
Without saying another word, I just started walking… Walking away, I didn’t even listen to what Akira said after that, and I cried…

// Akira view

I flew down from the collapsed building and rushed towards Cruz, this time I was certain that I would get him.
I swung my sword and aimed towards his head, I will kill him, this is perfect, and he can’t possibly have time to dodge.
But this was just another bad miscalculation. As I was just about to cut his head off, he turned around and jumped backwards. In his place, I sliced the girl in two. Covered in blood, not being able to think clear, I didn’t bother that I just killed an innocent girl and continued to rush towards Cruz.
?Oh? Since when did the Church stop bothering when they kill innocents? Oh well, I guess she was already dead since I just finished my meal.?
Angry for his words, I swung my sword in the mid air, trying to hit him. But as a result, another two buildings fell into ruins. And the vampire just kept on laughing.
That was it, out of my intent I snapped. All of my thoughts disappeared and I didn’t care about any of the surroundings anymore, I just kept on swinging my sword towards Cruz and each time I did that more and more buildings fell into ruins, I couldn’t hit him. It was impossible, even at the monstrous speed and power I have right now, I can’t hit him!
He always kept on dodging by jumping to the side, so I have to corner him. But how is that possible now with all of these ruins everywhere? Stupid town folks, why do they have to build things, all they do is breaking anyway.

There! I found it! The Perfect place to corner him, all I have to do is to swing my sword so he jumps in there. My first strike came from above and he jumped backwards, my second strike came from the left side and he jumped to the right. Now all I have to do is strike from bellow and he’ll jump far enough to end up in the corner. But, just as I started my final strike from bellow I feel a horrible pain in my leg.
?I guess I don’t have to run anymore then, it’s always great to have enemies on your side isn’t it? See you both some other time.?
He left; Cruz started walking away from the town as if nothing had happened, WHY?! WHY DID SHE DO THIS?!
I pulled out the black key from my leg and turned my face to Karen, ?Why… Just why did you stop me?! I HAD HIM!?
?No you did not; if you would’ve taken him into the corner he would just have killed you. It was way too obvious. You destroyed this town and killed many innocents so you are now dismissed from this mission; I will have to assign someone else, Farewell Akira.?
Karen started walking away. Again, I had to see someone just leaving me all alone… Iris, why does it always end up like this?


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That's all I've written for now, and I really hated Chapter II. I was so out of ideas how to write out all the scenes, so it turned out like that.
Right now I'm slowly writing Chapter III as soon as I make up something decent to write.
Ideas would be highly appreciated!
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Unread postby Message » September 29th, 2007, 6:40 pm

Please remember to add a spoiler tag to the thread if your fanfic contains spoilers. And no, I haven't read the above, this is just a reminder.
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Unread postby Sobzob » September 29th, 2007, 7:53 pm

There shouldn't be any spoilers.
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Unread postby marus » September 30th, 2007, 12:59 am

Well, I just read it, I thought it was okay. At any rate it has me intrigued so far.

Aside from typos, my main gripe right now is that the characters seem a bit generic. Of course every character from any story will seem generic during the first parts, but seeing the brash, bullheaded hero who's parents were killed and then was adopted to train by the sword gets old after a while. Cruz doesn't really stand out either, though at least he's not the archetype "I'm gonna take over the world" villian. It's all forgivable since there's hasn't been any time to develop the characters, it's just that right now none of them seem special. The other thing is that the setting isn't very well defined: I want to think of a modern town just because this is somewhat based off of Tsukihime, but all the talk about swords and vampires and inns (face it, everybody goes to a motel now) kinda makes me imagine a medieval setting, so I'm not sure what to think. Plus I don't really know what's going on, other than Karen and Akira have been following a vampire; I'm not sure if that's on purpose or not, because sometimes ambiguity works out, as long as details are properly filled in later, or at least hinted at.

Sorry if I sound a little harsh, I don't think it's bad, it's just that nothing really stands out to me; like, I don't mind reading it now because it's a small offshoot of nasuverse, but if it was a light novel or something longer then I probably wouldn't bother. Still, I think you could do pretty good if you just flesh out the characters and world more. Also, I'm not really a writer so don't take what I say by heart, but I hear it usually helps to kinda have the whole story planned out before you start writing, and then change things as you need to. Though if you're just going along for fun then you probably don't need to do that, just thought I'd bring it up. At any rate, I'm glad that you're writing this, I know it can be hard work, and I'll keep reading if you write more, because I want to see where this all goes (which is a good thing)
KATTO!
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Unread postby Sobzob » September 30th, 2007, 9:44 am

marus wrote:Well, I just read it, I thought it was okay. At any rate it has me intrigued so far.

Aside from typos, my main gripe right now is that the characters seem a bit generic. Of course every character from any story will seem generic during the first parts, but seeing the brash, bullheaded hero who's parents were killed and then was adopted to train by the sword gets old after a while. Cruz doesn't really stand out either, though at least he's not the archetype "I'm gonna take over the world" villian. It's all forgivable since there's hasn't been any time to develop the characters, it's just that right now none of them seem special. The other thing is that the setting isn't very well defined: I want to think of a modern town just because this is somewhat based off of Tsukihime, but all the talk about swords and vampires and inns (face it, everybody goes to a motel now) kinda makes me imagine a medieval setting, so I'm not sure what to think. Plus I don't really know what's going on, other than Karen and Akira have been following a vampire; I'm not sure if that's on purpose or not, because sometimes ambiguity works out, as long as details are properly filled in later, or at least hinted at.

Sorry if I sound a little harsh, I don't think it's bad, it's just that nothing really stands out to me; like, I don't mind reading it now because it's a small offshoot of nasuverse, but if it was a light novel or something longer then I probably wouldn't bother. Still, I think you could do pretty good if you just flesh out the characters and world more. Also, I'm not really a writer so don't take what I say by heart, but I hear it usually helps to kinda have the whole story planned out before you start writing, and then change things as you need to. Though if you're just going along for fun then you probably don't need to do that, just thought I'd bring it up. At any rate, I'm glad that you're writing this, I know it can be hard work, and I'll keep reading if you write more, because I want to see where this all goes (which is a good thing)


Thank you, I really needed that kind of advice. I'm not really a writer either, so I'm not really good at making a decent introduction of the characters nor environment. Basically, I've been writing the most whenever something comes to my mind.
For the third chapter I'll try work out the characters and environment more. So far of what I've written on it, it's pretty horrible. So if I just re-write that and try fill in some details I suppose it can get a bit decent.
Thanks once again!
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