I dunno if the terms are final here and you wont take in more suggestions at this time. I also dont know if you take suggestions from people not in your teams.
But I have some opinions in some of the the terms translation. Please tell me so if there is to be no more discussion of the terms already.
Some of these translation here are more accruate and correct than the EvoSpace ones. But I think using German is a very strange choice for translation of tsukihime, as
1 This game does not deal with germans at all.
2 The characters in this game are japanese, french and british.
3 The German words, while accurate are way too scientific rather than mystic in style, sounds like something you would use in Sci-Fi, or Sci-Fantasy(Last Exile, Final Fantasy, xeno saga, Elfen Lied, and other Magic + Science setting) while the magicial lore in tsukihime is a more superstitious and mysterious setting.
4 We dont understand german, and german is long and hard to read, and sounds very artificial in this japanese made game
5 Japanese ACG writters like use their broken english, latin, greek, and french, but german is rarely used. (I think Elfen Lied used it, the context though, is to provide a pseudo-science style)
6 The fact you have long rationale means your have put into much effort for word to be accurate, however this same long rationale also means the reason is convoluted, complex and the reader will need additional nowledge of a new language, or addition things like the key of solomon which is not referenced in the original. It would be a distraction from engaging into the game.
In the magical and religious branch, a much better alternative is to use latin because such practice is very common in japanese ACG, latin words are easier to understand with english speakers, and give a distinct feeling of chanting magical/divine words.
In the Demon branch, it is a better idea to use the romanji for terms that are throughly explained in the game, perhapes give a literal translation the first time they are used. Because the demon branch is distinctively japanese.
I think in translation should be done as transparently as possible, to preserve the original meaning, mood, and style. Adding the translator's own interpretation and intruducing new knowledge( A new germany system for the koyuu kekkais) and reference into it would undermine the aspects of the original because afterall, we are not experts and we do not work with the author.
I would like to make these suggestions:
"Vampiric" is not a word...
Vampiric Creature is longer but it is a word and it describes the distinction between Vampire and other blood drinking creatures nicely and clearly
Original term: 魅了の魔眼
Romanization: miryou no magan
Translation: Enchanting Eyes(Sight)
(capitalized, a more straight and shorter of EvoSpace's, generally using "of" makes a term longer)
Latin: oculus venustas (Enchanting Eyes)
Original term: 空想具現化
Romanization: kuusou gugenka
EvoSpace TL: Marble Phantasm (Wierd term, but pretty much "official")
(1. This is soooooo widely accepted its already a specific term now)
Original term: 固有結界
Romanization: koyuu kekkai
Translation: Innate Domain (A domain is a bounded field where the properties and rules are dominated by its owner, I seem many instances of the word 結界 translated into "Domain".
Original term: 獣王の巣
Romanization: juou no su
Translation: Beast's Lair (Another accepted and perfectly fine translation)
Latin alternative: domus bestia
Original term: 創世の土
Romanization: sousei no tsuchi
Translation: Soil of Genesis (I totally agree genesis should be used)
Latin: solum de genesis
Original term: 埋葬機関
Romanization: maisou kikan
Translation: Burial Agency
(1 This is actually a sub-group of the inquisition you have suggested, it is focused on the Purge/Destroy aspect of the inquisition, and the fact this agency only have serveral independant members and all they do is destory the oddballs
2 This term is also defined and explained in the game and it is very specific.
3 Burial Agency sounds cool.)
Original term: 埋葬者
EvoSpace TL: Burier
Original term: 代行者
EvoSpace TL: Executor
( 1 This is same as agent but Agent sounds too modern
2 This term is also specific in context, the Executor is not just any Agent, it is a Agent from the church)
Original term: 黒鍵
EvoSpace TL: Black Key
(1 Solomon is a new reference not in the original game
2 People will have to look up this word because it is not explained in the game
3 Black Key is widely accepted already)
Original term: 火葬式典
Romanization: kasou shikiten
EvoSpace TL: Cremation Ritual
(1 Actually The 火葬式典 is ciel's special skill, it is not a part of the Church's teaching and a type of magecraft, the Church has tolerated ciels usage of this because Ciel is actually a supernatural being herself. Ritual describes magecraft better
2 Rite is NOT the same as ritual, and rite does not fit here.)
Original term: 鬼
Translation: oni or Ogre
( 1. The Oni is actually closer in both appearance, behaviour, and habit with the western orge
2. The Oni is actually a specific type of japanese demons(Ma)
3. Keeping the romanji is a good idea too, because most ACG fans know what is an Oni, its the same idea we almost always directly use the term Ninja rather than translating them)
Original term: 混血
EvoSpace TL: Hybrid
( 1. D&D multiverse is decidedly western while the tsukihime Demon storyline is decidedly japanese
2. Teifling is never mentioned in japanese ACGs I know of
3. The term Hybrid is never used in context of offspring from diffrent nation/ethicity in tsukihime so there would be no confusion
4. The term Hybrid is explained in game for its spcific context
5. Many people dont play D&D)
Original term: 紅赤朱
Romanization: kurenai sekishu
Translation: kurenai sekishu
( 1. It would be a good idea to use the original romanji, while adding a bracket note when its mentioned for the first time, something like: (Literal: Crimson Red Vermillion)
2. This term is explained fully and very specific to the tsukihime universe so using romanji would enhance uch specificity.
3. This is a names like "Orochi" or "Kyobi" and "Sannin", in other mangas these terms are translated literally in the first appearance as a note and then introduced into the readers vocabulary
3. Kurenai Sekishu sounds cooler than Crimson Red Vermillion)
Original term: 檻髪
Translation: Imprisoning Hair or origami
( 1. Your translation is more compreshensive, but the thing its consist of 7(?) sylibis and 4 words as well as the "of" word, perhaps use both when its used first time to inform the reader?
2. Here is a good situation to keep the original japanese, with your translation as a note )
Original term: 退魔組織
Romanization: taima soshiki
Translation: Demon Hunter Clan
( 1. Clan = Family + Guild
2. Clan sounds very japanese
3. Clan IS the official way of refering to what people call feudal japanese families)
Original term: 直死の魔眼
Romanization: Chokushi no Magan
EvoSpace TL: Death Eyes(Sight)
Latin Alternative: oculus mortis
Original term: 魔眼殺し
Romanization: magan goroshi
( 1. This is a specific NAME of an Artifact, so the EvoSpace's long literal translation would not seem to fit well
2. may be you cant find it in a normal dictionary but "fascinum" is the latin for "Evil Eye"
Original term: 反転衝動
Romanization: hanten shoudou
EvoSpace TL: Inversion Impulse
( 1. The term you have chosen discribe how would a doctor explain shiki and akiha's 反転衝動, however...
2. This term, used in this game, STRICTLY means the impulse of DEMONIC influence, and using a medical term for that would be awkaward as well as ignouring the demonic aspect.
3. Literally, inversion impulse is as accurate as it gets
4. Using a modern western medical term to describe an ancient oriental superstitious concept ruins the distinct style)
Original term: 魔術協会
Original term: 魔力
Original term: 魔力回路
( I like your translation for this three a lot, just wanna voice my support for these terms)
Trans: Withering Garden
Latin Alternative: platea vietus
Withering Garden seems better than "Withered Garden" since it also describe the "manifested ideal effect" of this innate domain - to oppose "life".
- I am pretty sure this means something a westerner would call a dagger
- Yard. how does courtyard sound?
- Lunch break, I am sure on this
- I would say wound, it is not a scar because it is never healed and although it happend a long time ago it still bleed often
- In a school, it is called a infirmary, I am pretty sure on this