Tsukihime Typo/Grammar mistake Report [v1.1]

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Unread postby Ryuusoul » January 6th, 2007, 9:40 am

Thank you very much for your replies.

And just out of curiosity... is this Konstantin from Tsunami Channel? I loved those comics... didn't know it was back up and running (I'm way behind, apparently).
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Unread postby cielsempai » January 8th, 2007, 8:10 pm

First off, I realized that I just repeated the same mistake in a mistake I was trying to correct >_<;;;

Day 2, Akiha morning convo:
["Geez. you take things too easily, Nii-san."]

- should be capitalized; ["Geez. You take things too easily, Nii-san."]

Sorry :oops:

And now, as I'm done with Arc's route, new things! Sorry these don't include the section numbers in most cases. I'll go back and recheck them once I replay her route, if you'd like.

*s31: [Arihiko sighs as he eats his Chikara-udon.]
- This is capitalized only the first time, but is in lowercase every other time it's mentioned. (The same is true of the lunch Ciel brings Shiki: it's Curry Rice, Curry Rice and Curry Udon, though that's a bit different.)

*s31: ["Oh, it's party joke!"]
- not sure what the intent of this line is, but anyway it's grammatically incorrect; needs an 'a' at least.

*s31: [Following Arihiko, I decide to quickly finish my curry-udon.]
- again, this isn't hyphenated any other time it's mentioned.

Day 4, talking in Arcueid's room:
[How can you say that when you have that much information.]
- should this have a question mark at the end?

["I don't know how many people you killed until now,]
-["I don't know how many people you killed up until now,] or maybe before now.

["What's with that scary face all of a sudden.]
- question mark at end?

[She says this lightly, almost dismissingly.]
- improper grammar; [She says this lightly, almost dismissively.] - or in a dismissing way, if that's preferable.

["Now that you are up Shiki, I want to talk about now on--"]
- comma needed between up and Shiki; also, the ending part is clunky and I'm not sure what it means.

[I reach up for her cloth.]
- should be clothing, or clothes.

[I'm getting so irritated, so I decide to hurry up and get something to treat her as fast as possible.]
- grammar, maybe?: [I'm getting so irritated that I decide to hurry up and get something to treat her as fast as possible instead.]

Fight with Nrvnqsr:
["Like various things mixed together in a primordial earth with no one knowing what will fly out..."]
- Not sure if this is wrong or not, but it sounded odd - especially since he referred to himself as a primordial sea the other few times. (If it is indeed "primordial earth", I'd love to know what the original phrase was, for my own edification :) )

[So using the simply more superior life forms, wild animals and magic beasts, as raw material, they compose their body.]
- plural agreement; compose their bodies.

[Even if she ran away, I don't think she can get away from that monster.]
- could get away?

When Arc tells Shiki to throw away his human morality:
["They'll only weigh you down in the crucial moments."]
- It will only weigh you down

Talking with Nrvnqsr:
["I supposed you have long found out all there is to know about the current Twenty-Seven Ancestors of the Dead Apostles."]
- long since found out

["You are the one capricious one."]
- Not sure about this; the first "one" looks redundant, but on the other hand I can understand how it might be correct. If that is indeed the correct sentence I'd suggest changing it to "the only capricious one" to eliminate confusion.

["Your purpose is to execute Dead Apostles, so why do you persistently pursue the Serpent of Akasha"]
- needs a question mark

[And that grizzly bear could have torn a tank apart with it's uncontrolled violence.]
- its uncontrolled violence.

[If he had lived, he may have devised a means to control the chaos]
- might have

[As expected from the executionerprepared by the True Ancestors.]
- Executioner isn't capitalized here, even though it was in other sentences.

["Your nemesis "The Serpent" came to me..."]
- MAJOR nitpick, but... it was 'The Serpent' (i.e. not in quotation marks) every other time. :oops:

[My ankles are bit.]
- In the proper tense, they were bitten.

Arc's bedroom:
[Run away and pretend like I never saw it?]
- pretend that I never saw it, or just pretend I never saw it.
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Unread postby delta » January 8th, 2007, 9:57 pm

*s336 (Akiha route, detached building 1):

"It does make sense now that she mention it".

Should be "mentions".
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Unread postby Ryuusoul » January 10th, 2007, 3:39 am

Thanks.

cielsempai wrote:Fight with Nrvnqsr:
["Like various things mixed together in a primordial earth with no one knowing what will fly out..."]
- Not sure if this is wrong or not, but it sounded odd - especially since he referred to himself as a primordial sea the other few times. (If it is indeed "primordial earth", I'd love to know what the original phrase was, for my own edification :) )


Like a primordial earth where no one knows what will fly out after the mixing of various things...

I rephrased it.
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Unread postby cielsempai » January 10th, 2007, 10:54 pm

Ryuusoul wrote:Like a primordial earth where no one knows what will fly out after the mixing of various things...


Ah, I see. That does make more sense. :D

OOC, what was that phrase in Japanese? I'm quite curious now.
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Unread postby Konstantin » January 11th, 2007, 3:06 am

Ryuusoul wrote:Thank you very much for your replies.

And just out of curiosity... is this Konstantin from Tsunami Channel? I loved those comics... didn't know it was back up and running (I'm way behind, apparently).


Yep, that's me! Akira has started drawing again in Fall '05, and I've been trying to keep people entertained in the rant space whenever work eats him. Site seems to be kinda wobbly at the moment due to server problems, though tsunamichannel.net should still be up and running.

Thanks again for doing the translations. Went on a bit of a TYPE-MOON shopping spree when I was in Japan, only to realize that Nasu's vocabulary and grammar were way beyond my level of Japanese.
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Unread postby Ryuusoul » January 13th, 2007, 9:24 pm

cielsempai wrote:
Ryuusoul wrote:Like a primordial earth where no one knows what will fly out after the mixing of various things...


Ah, I see. That does make more sense. :D

OOC, what was that phrase in Japanese? I'm quite curious now.


原初の地球みたいに色々なモノが混ざり合って何が飛び出してくるか解らない

Konstantin wrote:Went on a bit of a TYPE-MOON shopping spree when I was in Japan, only to realize that Nasu's vocabulary and grammar were way beyond my level of Japanese.


Ah, you've been playing the wrong eroge for 10 hours a day...

Fate/Stay Night, Tsukihime, Tsukihime Plus Disc, and Kagetsu Tohya are the only eroge I've played... but I guess they are a bit different than most of them out there. I have played some of Higurashi no naku koro ni, but that's not ero... I guess I started at the top. Fate/Stay Night, which was the first game I played, has much harder vocabulary than Tsukihime (at least that was my impression at the time). I got interested in Type Moon after watching the Tsukihime anime but wasn't able to buy a copy of Tsukihime for several months.
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Unread postby Jinnai » January 15th, 2007, 10:16 am

Day 11 - Savage Night - Acrueid route

Always-----always, we were together.
When Akiha came to play, me and him were always there to welcome her-----so why---have I forgotten his name until now...?

should be "he and I" or "him and me"

he/him should always precede a reference to the person speaking.
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Unread postby pifactor » January 19th, 2007, 12:12 am

Actually, you would never use me in this case if you are sticking to proper English since me is an object pronoun. But me and him is fine in the vernacular.
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Unread postby cielsempai » January 19th, 2007, 6:52 am

Ryuusoul wrote:原初の地球みたいに色々なモノが混ざり合って何が飛び出してくるか解らない


:shock: Oh, that Nasu. With such a difficult source sentence, you really did an admirable translation ^_^;; Thanks for satisfying my curiosity.

More items:

s20:
Exactly the seventh day after I met Sensei, She arrives
- capitalization after comma

s30:
Tohno-kun, Um...
- capitalization after comma

don't know the number, but the hotel fight with the dogs on Arc's route:
I thrust the point on the black dog's chest
- should be thrust into or towards the point

s120:
You don't have the education as the member of the Tohno family, right?
- a member of the Tohno family

s121:
Titling my head
- Tilting my head

My fingers moves under her upraised skirt.
- my finger moves, since he's only using one at this point ^_^;;

While moving my finger inside her,
- and now, it's multiple fingers at this point.

I release all of my pent up desire.
- hyphenate; pent-up

I still can't help but to feel regret on that part.
- 'to' is extraneous; just but feel regret

the sheets were still wrapped around my waists
- just one waist, I hope! :)

I may have spoke something in my sleep, but it would be great if you think it has nothing to do with me at all...
- this one's kind of messy, syntax-wise; since he's supposed to be imploring her, just changing the 'you' to you'd might make the intent clearer.

It makes my duty to wake you up a little more difficult.
- my duty of waking you up

it resembles too much of the dream last night
- improper grammar; it resembles the dream of last night too much

The sound of my footsteps trail behind me
- if sound is singular, it should be trails; if not it should be sounds of my footsteps trail

What are you doing with that fever?
- suggest a comma between doing and with; otherwise it reads oddly.

The sound of my running footsteps are my only response.
- the sound is singular, so it is my only response.
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Unread postby Jinnai » January 19th, 2007, 8:28 pm

pifactor wrote:Actually, you would never use me in this case if you are sticking to proper English since me is an object pronoun. But me and him is fine in the vernacular.
Even with vernacular, you always refer to someone else before you refer to yourself. You always refer to yourself last.
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Unread postby cielsempai » January 20th, 2007, 1:54 am

Some more Arc-route things:

s234:
All I ended up doing was walk around.
- walking around

a chill runs up through my spine
- the 'through' seems extraneous and I'd suggest removing it, but this may be a matter of personal choice

s97:
the mouth of an crocodile
- a crocodile

s101:
The black dog dies as it's death is cut.
- its death

s144:
Without saying anything or without making a noise.
- should be and; I'd also suggest putting a comma after 'anything'

s152:
I feel like I've forgot something important.
- forgotten

s180:
a pain works it way from inside me.
- its way

s181:
The headache disappears and my heart returned to normal.
- tense-mixing

s183:
Why didn't I realize such an obvious inconsistency.
- needs a question mark

s189:
Anything living internalizes death the moment they are born.
- tenses; it is born

all my classmates scatter and run out the room.
- out of the room.

as long as something has shape, it cannot but perish.
- is this it cannot help but perish?

s193:
In it's place,
- In its place

I was thinking for you to hurry up.
- incorrect usage. Usually 'hoping' would go there, but in keeping with what Arcueid is saying, something like "I was thinking I wanted you to hurry up" might be better.

The deeper I go, my awareness breaks apart.
- something like As I go deeper, my awareness breaks apart.; or at least the more my awareness...

I think it's strange for me to know how she looks like
- either how she looks or what she looks like

s198:
there is no healing someone who's lines of death are cut.
- whose

s199:
He is both mine and her mutual enemies
- He is both my and her mutual enemy

I also have a something strange.
- extraneous a

Being hid away by Tohno Makihisa
- hidden away

Everything around Arcueid seems to burst apart any minute now.
- about to burst apart

Day 7, Arcueid explaining the Akashic Record:
Without a single ue of Magic Circuits, there are humans who, despite not being a transcendental race, have the potential to create transcendant phenomenon.
- I may be wrong here, but shouldn't this be phenomena, plural?

she's already finished and left the city already
- redundancy

Day 7, first meeting with Roa:
The clouds part for a brief moment and illuminates the dark figure.
- illuminate

My eyes, feel like they're going to burst out of my sockets
- not necessarily an error, but their sockets is the more common usage.

His blood-shot eyes seems to be saying
- seem to be saying

Day 7, talking to Arc:
please don't make things more complicated than it is!
- than they are

Day 8, talking to Hisui:
You already do so much for me already.
- redundancy

And now, some stuff from the Ciel route!

Day 1, in the tea room with Ciel:
"That's when they told me to return to the mansion, now that my old man is no longer there, and I finally agreed to them."
- "agreed with them" or "agreed to go", or even "agreed to their wishes" or something.

Returning home:
...and it seemed like everyday we would run around the garden together.
- every day is two words; this appears pretty consistently.

In the sitting room with Akiha:
"Is that acceptable with you?"
- Is that acceptable to you?

I can't say anything and I drift my eyes towards Hisui.
- I let my eyes drift towards Hisui

That night:
[Akiha has become the Akiha right now, too.]
- the Akiha of right now

s91:
There is some kind of ruckus on the floor below, I can hear the noise of many people talking.
- needs period/semicolon there.

Even under the assumption some people have woken up early,
- needs that

Day 2, recieving the knife:
With a "pachink!", a ten centimeter blade pops out from the bar.
- hyphenate

Day 2, eating lunch with Ciel:
It seems like Senpai has long finished eating her lunch.
- long since finished

Day 2, following Arc:
I walk with my hands in my pocket.
- hands in my pockets, or more likely hand in my pocket

Why I'm trying to this.
- trying to do this

The red blood is all over the wooden floor, like a overturned bucket of water.
- an overturned bucket

Day 3, in hotel with Arc:
"I don't think so, it was probably for surveillance."
- should be semicolon

Very beginning of day 4, Arc's room:
-A news caster's voice flows from the speaker.
- newscaster's

If I itch it, I feel the scratch.
- Itch is definitely NOT a verb in correct usage >_< (sorry, this is just a pet peeve of mine.) 'scratch' is more proper.

How can you say that when you have that much information.
- question mark at end

I sigh from heart-felt relief.
- heartfelt is generally one word.

"I don't know how many people you killed until now"
- before now, or up until now

Arcueid exaggeratingly covers her ears.
- exaggeratedly

s200:
No matter what the circumstances was,
- what the circumstances were

s222:
They call it the modern day vampire
- hyphenate

Akiha looks at me questioningly as I came out of the dining room right away.
- tenses; she either looks at him as he comes out, or looked at him as he came out. Or, if she's looking at him because he came out quickly, a comma between 'questioningly' and 'as' will convey that. :P


Please let me know if I'm being too pedantic with any of this :oops: Also, I'll try harder to get all the s##s for my future reports.
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Unread postby Ephyon » January 24th, 2007, 10:24 pm

Version 1.1

Day 3/The Black Beast I - Ciel Route - s91

It leaps.
Its speed belies all human comparison.
It don't even take two seconds to cover the ten meters down the hallway.


don't should be doesn't


Day 4/The Black Beast II - Ciel Route - s101

---My vision soaks in red.

"---Feed"
A black leopard flies from Nrvnqsr's body.
How many times greater than the black dogs' are its speed and ferocity?


There should be a possesive mark after dogs, since it's comparing the leopard's traits to those of the dog.
Last edited by Ephyon on June 28th, 2007, 12:20 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Unread postby Peorth » January 31st, 2007, 9:38 pm

Hisui true ending....


After she wakes Shiki up from his dream, there's a typo


"Damn it, if you're going to wake, me, wake me up earlier."

There is no need for a comma after 'wake'.
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Unread postby Ryuusoul » February 2nd, 2007, 2:49 am

Make sure you guys aren't reposting a lot of previously mentioned/corrected mistakes.

Also, don't worry about scene numbers. I can just run a search... I won't use scene numbers even if you provided them.
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Unread postby cielsempai » February 2nd, 2007, 9:26 pm

Great! I'll just go ahead and post everything I find by heroine's route, then.

These are all from Ciel's:

I penetrate into her with my erected organ
- should be erect :oops:

an uncouthly weapon
- an uncouth weapon

I can't believe why this person is saying such things
- syntax; should either have "why" removed or be I don't know why.

The Church viewed the child as heresy
- grammar; not as a heretic? Or did was it that they viewed the child's existence as heresy?

I must have broken my arm defending her attack.
- defending against her attack

Both you and Yumizuka seems to be acting like bad students lately.
- seem

so----Even if this is a dream
- start of sentence uncapitalized

...she couldn't move no matter how much she wanted. That's why she just stood there, even though she wanted to.
- Syntax stuff here; the second line is a little unclear. I assume "even though she wanted to" refers to her wanting to move, but the structure makes it looked like she was standing there because she wanted to.

But this is way different than when I do it myself
I can't hold back like this.
- should be a period after "myself"

I slice whatever part that tries.
- whatever part tries, or any part that tries

if---that impulse came again, what will happen to me?
- start of sentence uncapitalized

My school uniform had been neatly folded, and my shirt has even been ironed.
- tense disagreement

long finished eating her lunch.
- long since finished

Missing might be a better description than dying, since she was devoured...
- than dead

I'm irritated; There's something I can't stand
- inter-sentence; shouldn't be capitalized

Why don't you take a look at yourself.
- should have a question mark

The sound of rattling chains echo in the room.
- echoes

I can describe it as accurately as I can.
- redundancy; and I think the first "can" isn't needed here, but I don't precisely remember this sentence :oops:

I kind got curious
- kind of got curious.

I think Hisui prefers english tea.
- English tea

The serial killings you're talking about was always the work of just one vampire from the very beginning. So no new will come
- were always; and no new victims will come

she couldn't have sucked someone's blood and discard them on the street.
- discarded

that sword wielding shape
- hyphenate

There are other vampires who think up of worse games.
- either think up or think of

Well, he should be many times superior than The Dead earlier.
- to The Dead

The one before was the twelfth, so I don't think there's much more.
- many more

About this vampire lurking the streets.
- lurking in the streets

Come to think of it, eight years since that accident, I've always had to deal with my broken body.
- in the eight years since

He is killed by her, reincarnates, and killed by her again.
- and is killed by her

The Serpent guy, what kind of a guy is he.
- should have a question mark

Even you, even Arcueid are fighting to protect this city!
- grammar; possibly want an and before "even Arcueid"?

A pain that would have been never there if the chair was never here.
- never been there

In this room only with the ticking of the clock, I should be able to calm down quickly.
- with only

Yes, You have been unconscious since noon.
- shouldn't be capitalized

The chime sounds once, telling me that the gate closes.
- has closed or is closing

...... Yeah, come to think of it, you look normal.
- Since it's preceded with "you look bad today" and then "you look down", is it right?

he completely does not remember about Senpai.
- maybe just he "doesn't remember" her

Senpai extends out a hand.
- remove 'out'

sits down besides me
- beside me

you can be rest assured.
- you can rest assured

Such as when I see a poor beggar by the road. It seemed so funny, I wanted to stab him with a knife.
- perhaps it should be saw, since all her other memories here are in the past tense.

That he is the "Serpent" Senpai and Arcueid are looking for.
- 'Serpent'

talk your hearts out with her
- just one heart I hope :?

Like yelling at your dad after coming to wake you up after you stayed up all night.
- structure and some redundancy (with the "after"s); I'd suggest Like yelling at your dad when he comes to wake you up after you stayed up all night. or something.

my mind was grinded away
- ground away

I looked like my mother, who was oriental
- Oriental

My parents ran to me, as I came out the room for the first time in few months.
- out of the room

Falling down the stairs just means a little bruises here and there.
- a little bruising or a few bruises

He may have fell down the stairs due to a fever
- fallen down the stairs

Hisui's face returned to its usual lack of expression and tells me things I didn't even ask about.
- tense disagreement

Sorry for saying such selfish words,
- should be a period

even though they have death built in them
- into them

her delicious looking skin
- delicious-looking

I thrust my finger in her ass all the way in.
- rendudancy; fix as you wish.

even when I wore my glasses, regardless of what my intentions, I've been able to see those "lines".
- what my intentions were

-Amid all the Slice her aparts that repeat that one time is one Slice apart.

Or you don't want to talk to me now?
- Or don't you want to talk to me now?

It's a little different reaction than before
- a little different of a reaction, a somewhat different reaction, or etc.

It can't be forgiven, but the fact that I have to apologize to her.
- the fact is that

you should have went ahead and killed Roa.
- gone ahead

my fondness of Arcueid is also true.
- for Arcueid; as for the second part, maybe real would be a better choice, or else change the structure such as it's also true that I'm fond of Arcueid.

where Arcueid disappeared into.
- that Arcueid

A vampire makes a target their own by sucking their blood and mixing it with their blood.
- all the "theirs" make the action hard to track. I suggest something like A vampire makes a target their own by sucking the target's blood and mixing it with their own blood.

Walking down the usual road and after entering the usual alley
- Either put "after" at the beginning or insert a comma between "road" and "and".

There's no walls around,
- around it

Or to say, if Hisui came in right now
- Or, say, if

If you had that much strength, you should have went ahead and killed Roa.
- gone ahead

Gasping for air, I manage to suck in air.
- repetitive; perhaps "I manage to suck some in" or to "draw a breath" at the end instead?

After I told you not to leave your room, why did you go meet Arcueid!?
- since it's Ciel's room he was staying in, should it be my room or the room instead?

Like a puppet with it's strings cut
- its

there's no one else than me here
- no one other than me, or nobody else but me

maybe you're on a verge of losing yourself
- the verge
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Unread postby aldeayeah » February 4th, 2007, 12:02 am

First day, scenes s40 and s41:

"The eldest son of Kugamine-sama from a branch of the family, Touzaki-sama's third daughter and her fiancee, and Kishima-sama's eldest son came to stay for close to three years."

If Touzaki's daughter isn't a lesbian, then it should be "fiance".
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Unread postby Ryuusoul » February 15th, 2007, 10:46 am

Thanks.
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Unread postby Silverman » March 10th, 2007, 7:52 pm

Chapter nine, while Shiki is going out with Arcueid
"......."
I sit down across from her.
After Arcueid looks around quickly, she pops a french fry in her mouth
like she's done it before many times

I think it french fries would be better
EDIT: I've found another one
I frogot which chapter is it, but it's while Shiki is talking with Ciel after she reveals her true idenity

The vampires that are a completely different species from us, we call the True Ancestors

I think "we call them the True Ancestors" would sounds better
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Unread postby Ryuusoul » March 11th, 2007, 9:39 am

Silverman wrote:Chapter nine, while Shiki is going out with Arcueid
"......."
I sit down across from her.
After Arcueid looks around quickly, she pops a french fry in her mouth
like she's done it before many times

I think it french fries would be better
EDIT: I've found another one
I frogot which chapter is it, but it's while Shiki is talking with Ciel after she reveals her true idenity

The vampires that are a completely different species from us, we call the True Ancestors

I think "we call them the True Ancestors" would sounds better


Please be a little more careful. Your first suggestion is completely wrong.

Your second suggestion is off as well. The original text reads "These vampires that are a completely different species from us, we call the True Ancestors."

It is not an error and it fits the pattern of the original sentence.

Thanks for your suggestions, but I've chosen not to implement them.
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