In "I see an illusion" I think either that "mirage" or "chimaera" is a better word in the situation than illusion. Or maybe rewritten as "Hallucination" (for the whole sentence). It's a tricky sentence to rewrite, but as it is now it's not very good use of language I think. Since he's in such a dreamy state it IS almost like a poem, and this inner dialogue would rather gain than suffer from being written like one
This is how I would rewrite it:
"The long road seems to go on forever.
Before me the gently sloping road. Above me a blue sky that looks to want to suck me in.
A chimaera; the road is like a ladder, reaching up into the clear, blue sky.
I take it all in, and an unsummoned memory comes to me. The memory of that sorrowful affair."
Yeah, something like that. I supposed it might not fit the rest of the text, but when working with just this page, this is what I came up with
I think translating too closely to the original text is unnecessary. It only leads to bad english. Better to try to do what book translators do and go for ambience and feeling over correctness in the translation.
The second image has a 4-row sentence. That's never a good thing ~~
"Hisui saw my face when I was having that dream?"
This feels very direct-translated. Could use some re-writing. In these kind of stories there are of course often things said and thought that no normal human would ever say or think, but they are used anyway to make sure you don't miss certain facts. Sometimes this can be useful, when watching a fast-paced movie or something like that, but when reading a book (and cmon, this is basically a illustrated novell) you read at your own pace, and the risk of missing half-hidden facts is small.
An example of such an unrealistic sentece is something often used by people in anime or we talking on the phone. Someone tells them something and then they say: "What? (And then they repeat what they had just been told, in every detail, no matter how much information it was)" while making a suprised face. This kind of annoying way of bringing information to the viewer is acceptable in tv series, but few would appreciate it in books.
The above sentence could be rewritten as "Was she watching me while I dreamt?" for example. (Uh, btw, was the word kao or sugata?
) I'm just interested. I know you are way better at japanese than I am.)
(I see no problem in the Arcueid-picture, and in the Hisui picture I would just lose the "and"